Happy Rosh Habailout.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

i totally understand the intentions of the 'great american bailout of 2008,' i just don't really know where i stand on the issue. i get it, our economy is in the shitter. but it's been in the shitter before. in fact, it's been in the shitter with half a roll of toilet paper clogging the hole, less that an inch away from overflowing. and now that i really think about it, our economy has overflowed the shitter. 9/11 anyone? and the government has never even considered doing anything this drastic to jump start it again. so why now? because we're afraid? we're afraid to be uncomfortable after living in excess for so long. that's really what it comes down to. the economy, like everything else, is a cycle. by getting the government involved like this, it's just going to fuck up the economic cycle. and we'll be much worse than just uncomfortable.

but i digress. regardless of my feelings on that whole clusterfuck situation, the goings on in washington yesterday really pissed me off. i don't get it. i'll pretend for a minute, to help make my point, that i'm all for this "bailout." and as you already know, the bill was voted on in the house of representatives today. it didn't pass. and because of rosh hashanah, they won't be able to vote again until thursday, at the earliest. i would think, that something that so strongly affects not only our country, but the entire world, is more important than celebrating the new year. i understand it's a religious holiday, but come on. god, nor your rabbi, will really frown upon you for supposedly saving your country (that allows you to celebrate your religion freely). i'm sure they'd consider it a real mitzvah. christmas is a "religious" holiday for me, and i can't tell you the last time that i had the day off. and i'm only a fucking chef, not a congressman. priorities my friends, priorities.

[thanks for the video holly!]


Rock the Vote! [PSA]

it's not too late to register to vote!
ROCK THE VOTE! Voter Registration. CLICK HERE.


Michelle & Jim-Bob Have Big News! [DUGGAR ALERT]

OH, PLEASE! PLEASE! LET ME GUESS... SHE'S PREGGO?!? (AGAIN.) as if there could be any other news from these professional babymakers.

i've long wondered about the fascination behind television shows featuring huge-ass families. and uh oh, here comes another one - tonight, TLC debuted '17 kids and counting', a reality show about the duggars, the 19-member family from arkansas that i've often mocked. former high school sweethearts michelle and jim bob (yes, really) are — huge shocker here — super religious (a.k.a. they clearly don't use condoms) and believe "that every child is a gift to be cherished." they have ten boys and seven girls with number 18 on the way, so they obviously need some camera crews to come in and liven things up. michelle has been pregnant for nearly 12 years of her life. i'll excuse you ladies while you clench for a moment.

i'm guessing our nation's obsession with these multiple baby television shows has something to do with the "how the fuck do they do it — and why?" quotient. i mean, these people have got to be straight-up clinically insane, right? how do they pay for all of the fucking spit-up rags and dollies and bottles? how do the husband and wife not kill each other after bickering constantly? (lots of make-up sex, i'll assume?) why do they want so many kids - are they weird and religious or just super charitable and giving? (i know you are thinking it, but i'll say it because i agree, it's definitely the former,weird and religious.) and most importantly: how the hell did that woman pop so many out? (i'd have to guess that about 8 1/2 months in, she probably just restricts her diet to eating nothing but bush's baked beans. strictly beans. then, when her water breaks, all she has to do is fart, and voila! baby #19? of course, that's just my opinion.)

[via defamer]

more duggarlicious reading from ssp&e:

-they haven't listened to bob...
-never mind the tater tots...
-going for the trifecta...


Sonseed "Jesus Jizz" [UPDATE]

Monday, September 29, 2008

remember when i mentioned that i have had a friend in jesus? well apparently the peeps over at gawker did too, and today posted this: "christian ska band was totally real, ye doubters." check it out, if ye too were a doubter.

[via gawker]



"They're All Kinds of Walking Sex Toys & Shit." --My Mom

that's a direct quote. by my mom. and before you ask, yes, i am proud.

here's the back story:
about a month ago, i was having a conversation with my mom about the television programs that kids watch these days. cartoons in particular. there is a huge difference between hand drawn and computer generated cartoons. am i wrong? i don't know, to me, there's something so pure & honest about hand drawn cartoons that is lost in today's saturday morning entertainment. one specific example that i recall talking about was hanna-barbera; do kids even know what that means anymore? hanna-barbera. the flintstones, the jetsons, huckleberry hound, the snorks! all lost on kids now. replaced with little 3-d people. what's fun about an animated person? i'll take yogi & boo-boo any day. and even worse is that anime crap. the slutty asian characters with blue or purple hair that are meant for kids that are 9 going on 19.

fast forward to two weeks ago. sam and i went to dinner at a friend's house. and i was so happy to see that their 5 year old daughter was watching the flintstones! sure she loves barbies and horsies, but she was watching cave people running around in rags and bare feet. and she was highly entertained. glued to the television like i was at that age; and i enjoyed a moment of nostalgia watching her stare at fred and barney being chased by a pterodactyl. apparently there is a cable station called boomerang that shows all those nostalgic cartoons, 24-7. (!!!) long live the troglodytes!

fast forward, yet again, to this past saturday, when i was surfing the tube looking for something to watch. all the usual spots, i've found, suck on saturday mornings. (no wonder i usually sleep till noon.) discovery, spike, a&e, food network- suck, suck, suck, suck on saturdays. the first channel i came across that didn't totally blow, and wasn't an infomercial, was nick junior. this show, which i later found out is called "yo gabba gabba," was on. the characters dance around, make sex noises, and on occasion, speak without moving their mouths. my mom hears this, looks up at the tv and says "what is that a walking dildo?" (ironically, she was referring to the 'one eyed monster' muno, as seen below.) then, one at a time, she identified each as a walking sex toy. she then completed the thought, as i changed the channel, by saying "they're all kinds of walking sex toys & shit." i hate to agree, but she's absolutely right. i can't agree with her opinion about the teletubbies being "cute," but i can agree that the yo gabba gabba gang looks like the treasure chest in the neverland ranch.

the only thing that we're stumped on is that green thing. what the hell is that supposed to be? any ideas?


The Greatest Loss in Life...


'The Bush Doctrine' Movie as seen in Times Square, decidedly NOT about Politics... [UPDATED]

Sunday, September 28, 2008

{originally posted at 2:11pm}

saturday night live was great last night, and not just because of this sketch. every sketch was pretty funny for a change. but after rewatching the entire episode a second time, i realized that this palin/couric interview got the most laughs, and it got me thinking...

so i went back and watched last week's skit when tina fey was on the first time. after the crowd's initial reaction to her being back, it was just the typical laughs of "wow, what an idiot." however this week, you could hear a lot more belly laughs throughout the entire 6 minute dialogue. great for nbc, but really, really bad for the moose queen of wasilla. because i went and found the transcript from the actual cbs news interview, and found that most of the dialogue from snl was not written by their writers, rather it was taken directly from the transcript of the original interview! i snipped a few examples below, but you can check out the rest of the transcript HERE.

[transcript screen grabs via tv.spreadit.org]

**3PM UPDATE** 49 minutes later, jezebel agrees.


Jesus Jesus #1

i'm convinced, it wouldn't be a sunday in the sticks of pennsylvania, without coming across a jesus related artifact. this guy was super excited that i was taking a picture of his jesus mobile, and asked if i minded if he got in the photo. who am i to disappoint on a high holy day? "say cheese jesus!" after all, i need all the help i can get after writing THIS.


[Your Morning Coffee]

"god only knows" by the fendertones
the brew dujour:
fair trade wild mountain blueberry- i know that i've said it before, how orgasmic this coffee is, but please join me in a moment of silence to pay homage to the last pot of blueberry deliciousness until i spring for more. {silence} wow, it's even more delicious when it's quiet...


A Bit of Relief from the "Liberal Media."

Saturday, September 27, 2008

it's no secret that the fox news network is seriously right wing, and according to republicans, every other media outlet is "liberal." my painfully republican friend electa and i had an email debate about what "liberal media" is, and what it seems to have come down to is all media is liberal media. to which i say what-the-fuck-ever. i was worried the other day when i posted this, but this myspace poll makes me feel a bit better. i know, i know, it's only myspace, but if as many young voters actually vote in the general election, as participate in pre-election activities, i think that WE will be in good shape.


Current_ + Twitter = Hack the Debate II

i'm a hacker too. my new obsession with twitter and current_ magazine made last night's debate much more fun. as you watch the debate live, you can send tweets to current_ that are immediately superimposed over the debate on live tv! the only downside, is your cable company has to offer the current_ station in order for you to see it; or if you live in the sticks, you can stream the channel online. it was even more fun than the myspace debates. here's the info for the veep debate on october 2. you can get more info, including channel numbers for your provider, on www.current.com/debate.


Shit-Talking Gone Too Far...

i did a five year stint living in rhode island, arguably the center of new england. i must admit, there wasn't much that i didn't love about living there. the only two cons that come to mind were their horrible lack of snow plowing skills in a place that gets dumped on frequently, and red sox fans.

i am a yankees fan, but that's not why i despise red sox fans. my hatred towards them flows much deeper than bill buckner and the curse of the bambino. ('bill buckner,' by the way, is the easiest way to get a red sox fan to shut the fuck up; and it's as simple as mentioning his name.) it stems from their obnoxious chanting and their uncanny ability to cause riots and get arrested, win or lose. regardless, i most often keep those feelings to myself around them.

other than that one occasion, sports shit-talking doesn't really bother me. maybe because i don't really take sports that seriously or maybe because, well, it's just not that serious. that was until yesterday. yesterday when the piece of shit scumbag owner of seahawkshuddle.com, a seattle seahawks fan2fan site, thought it would be cute to try and "rile up giants fans" (who they are playing next week), by putting a bunch of 9/11 jokes on their homepage, to "welcome giants fans," along with a photo of the world trade center on fire. here's one of them: "Q: What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones’ head when he was working on the World Trade Center’s 90th floor? A: The 91st floor." classy you piece of shit, real classy.

i must say i was really surprised that i didn't hear about this on the new york news. after being mentioned in columns in the new york daily news, deadspin and the stranger, the owner of the site removed the tasteless post and offered this half-assed apology:

"Here at The Huddle we pride ourselves on riling up our opponent fan base to make the game more exciting and meaningful to us fans. Obviously this time we/I went over the line." (you think?) "...no one here at The Huddle believes 9/11 wasn't a horrible tragedy...in American history, some of us tend to deal with issues like these with...humor in the worst taste. Obviously not everyone does this and we regret any hurt or pain that our comments have dredged up. That was never the intent. We can only apologize so much." (right, the intent was only to "rile" us up.)
like i said, real classy.

[via slog]


[Your Morning Coffee]

"when you come back down" by nickel creek
the brew dujour:
vermont country blend- Vermont Country Blend is the best medium roast coffee available anywhere. The aroma is amazing and the taste never disappoints. You just can't go wrong drinking this coffee.


Talking Heads.

Friday, September 26, 2008

damn if i'm not bored of listening to ALL the political talking heads today. so i'll spare you. my only comment, i continue to appreciate john mccain for sequestering his pitbull in lipstick after the debate, and not allowing her to comment, sending in rudy guiliani instead. nice play douchenozzle.

[the wheels come off sarah palin's not so straight talk express]
[the road to the white house may indeed go through the late show]


"At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought."

unless you just crawled out from under a massive, moss covered boulder, then you've already seen this. if you have just crawled out from under said rock, i hope, for your sake, that that space is still available; because trust me, you don't want to see what you've been missing. if you are indeed still reading this, then you must be interested. so enjoy these two clips. as you are watching the first one from last night's cbs news, see if you can recall where you've heard the lines from sarah palin's teleprompter before. i knew they sounded familiar, but i couldn't recall why. then i found the youtube clip (@ 1:08). the proverbial light bulb instantly glowed it's blazin' 120 watts.

Watch CBS Videos Online

sa-sa-sa-sarah pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-palin and da-da-da-da-danny sound way too much alike. do you think maybe we could get sarah to stutter read through a paragraph or two of "my sister fannie?" you know, for comparison purposes?

**UPDATE** apparently i'm not the only one that draws comparisons between sarah palin and billy madison. in a post about this palin interview video over on dooce, a commenter left the following:


The Things I Would Do To Be Her Special Victim...

...i really can't get into it though because my mom reads this blog. let's just say there isn't much i wouldn't do. milf².


The March of Mraz, as told by Morgan Freeman...

When I was younger I used to trip out at the thought of staying in a hotel room. Even if I was sharing a room with my parents and siblings, there was still free HBO, a pool, never ending hot water, beds you could bounce on from one to the other, a phone you couldn’t use, and mini-bar food you were never allowed to eat. Once upon a time an elementary aged lad went on a beach trip with his father and sister and grandparents and maybe his dad’s girlfriend from the era, I can’t remember. We had conjoining rooms to satisfy the sleep requirements meanwhile retaining the togetherness of a family vacation. Upon arrival my sister immediately began calling between our rooms and pretending to be someone else each time. You could hear her voice through the wall so she wasn’t fooling anyone, yet I’d still answer the sustaining old fashioned ringer to deliver a proper shut-up or quit-it into the receiver as young persons of blood relation are allowed to do to each other. After 10 or more minutes of this game my grandmother stepped in and broke up the excitement, bothered by the ringing of the phone and ringing of the ear caused by hyper children recently sprung from a 6 hour car ride in a shared backseat. Then the phone rang again and I’d like to think my Nanny cursed, even though I know for a fact the dirtiest word she’s ever muttered with foul intentions is the word...

CLICK HERE to continue reading this post...


Hey Manischewitz Guberman, Sarah Just Said "Douchenozzles."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

[via somecrazygarbage]


Billy and the Mooninite...

hey, remember when i announced that bill o'reilly was inducted into the douchenozzle hall of fame? in case i didn't make it clear as to why, HERE is another prime example. i rest my case.


It Takes Two, Baby...

we are a speed-obsessed culture. when the newer, faster, smaller model comes along, we toss the old one without hesitation. we cream our jeans when we read about a quarter-inch-thin laptop with dual processors and 10 hours of battery power. we go to the store and there's a waiting list. and in that instant the decision is made: we will get that laptop. and we do. we show it off to our friends. and for the first week we even wash our hands before we use it, to keep the keyboard clean. but in a month we'll be used to it. in six months, it will seem slow. we won't care when we drip instant cream of wheat on the keyboard, causing a short. in a year, we won't carry it on the plane anymore because it will be embarrassingly obsolete.

so imagine trying to have a relationship in this environment. and by that i am referring to the arcane concept of the long-term relationship. a marriage, even. imagine living in this culture and not walking out the door at the first sign of trouble. the second you hear "we need to talk" or "i've been thinking," you hit the DELETE key. do you know the chances of celebrating your 50th anniversary? something like 5 percent. don't believe me? google it.

successful, long-term relationships take two things that we, as a culture, have mysteriously become programmed to avoid: hard work and persistence.

we want our relationships to be great, and great all the time. on their own. work-free partnered bliss. as soon as issues occur, we think, "this one's not right for me." or, "we're growing apart." of course, the world is filled with psychos, and sometimes they are attractive and we end up married to one. which is a pity. and in this case, leaving is a very good thing. but most often we're just coupled with another normal person and experiencing normal problems, and leaving is the easiest idea, not necessarily the best one. i think part of the problem is that we marry too quickly. we fall in love, and then trust our hormones and brain chemistry and we get engaged. before we really know what we're getting into.

our divorce rate hovers over 40%. even i realize that percentage is most certainly an F in american relationships. and it's because we're viewing the first marriage not as the final exam but as the homework. the trainer marriage. the one where we can make all our mistakes. so that we can nail it the second--or third--time around. but guess what? the statistics don't show that. in fact, the statistics show the jaw-dropping, sphincter-clenching opposite. they reveal failed first marriages, followed by failed second (64%) and failed third (73%). i googled it.

so though i'd like my water to boil faster, and though the computer i bought nine months ago is painfully slow, and both of those items will soon be delivered to a landfill where they can infect the environment, in my relationship i'm willing to sacrifice speed for quality.

[via thelifestylekillsme]


"I Guess That This Chance That You Have, It Will Never Come Back, After Eight Years In the Dark..."

overly caffeinated italians can't be wrong. dean martin would be proud.

i found this video over on slog. here are two of the comments that were threaded with their post; i especially appreciate the second one.

[via slog]


What a Crock of Shit, Part Deux.

i twittered this last night:

regarding THIS.

to which i received this in response:
highlighted text: pleasant thought, no?


What a Crock of Shit.

thank you david blaine and abc, for wasting two hours of my life that i can never get back. i was hoping that the live presidential stuttering would cut into the lameness of the so called 'dive of death.' no dice.


I have had a friend in Jesus.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

i'm not sure that i've secured my ticket on the eternal damnation express with all of those i <3 jesus bumpersticker posts, so in an attempt to receive my receipt marked paid in full, i bring to you, courtesy of slog, my vote for music video of the year. it's a real gem by a lovely republican evangelical group called sonseed.* i'm not exactly sure of the song title, but i'm almost positive that it has something to do with not being friends with jesus.

*i’d like to again point out that the name of this band is “sonseed,” which is clearly nothing more than a euphemism for “jesus jizz.” oh, look! there's my receipt.

be sure to listen to the deep, meaningful lyrics. these are some of my favorites:

"once i tried to run | i tried to run and hide | but jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside | he is like a mountie | he always gets his man | and he’ll zap you any way he can"

that makes me want to start going back to church.

[via slog]


BREAKING NEWS: Bears DO Shit in the Woods...

not since the university of alaska's 2006 study proving that bears do, in fact, shit in the woods has a more exciting and revelatory discovery been made: on the cover of the new issue of people magazine, american idol runner-up clay aiken comes out of the closet. yes i know. take a seat and a deep breath, and let the shocking news sink in.

[via defamer]


This is Disturbing.

i know it's hard to believe, but when i said "this is disturbing," i wasn't talking about this photo.

i was talking about this pbs poll. check it out HERE.


Happy Birthday Christi.


I Thought They Came in Packs of Two...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

ok, so i doctored the advertisement; but this story, sadly, is real.

"south bend, indiana – a 20-year-old man told police he was stabbed by his younger brother sunday night after a fight broke out over a hot pocket.

st. joseph county police were called to an apartment in the 3600 block of generations drive just after 7 p.m. sunday, where they found a man bleeding from a cut on his side.

although the man was initially uncooperative with police, he admitted that he got into a fight with his 18-year-old brother over the microwave sandwich.

the victim told police the two began fighting over who got to eat the hot pocket, pushing and grappling with each other into a hallway. he said his younger brother then grabbed a steak knife off the kitchen counter and stabbed at his brother, cutting him on his left side..."
[wsbt2 via slog]


Monday, September 22, 2008


Hungry Fella? There You Go...

you know what's gross? germs. you know what's even grosser? a cupcake made out of hamster. this ad for lifebuoy soap features an incredibly lifelike rodent dessert, to send the message "you eat what you touch." you can't deny it's an effective way to get the point across, although if you're anything like me, you get distracted from the picture trying to figure out what the hell "lifebuoy soap" is. well my dear readers, as the self-proclaimed king of useless knowledge, i feel obligated to give you the 411.

1.) lifebuoy is a brand of soap that was originally marketed by the lever brothers in england beginning in 1895. it was popular for over 100 years, and is still available in the united states through specialty shops. it is the leading brand of soap in india as well as in some other south east asian countries like pakistan, bangladesh and indonesia. (not to be rude, but that doesn't say much for the "leading soap" in curry country. i sure hope the word 'deodorant' does not appear anywhere on the packaging.)
2.) when the philadelphia phillies played at the baker bowl in the 1920s, an outfield wall advertisement for lifebuoy stated, "the phillies use lifebuoy." one night, after the phillies lost, a graffiti artist sneaked in and added to the ad, "and they still stink." variations of that joke have been employed by detractors of other losing teams for decades since. (just like the soap, i've never heard of that saying either.)
3.) the term "b.o.", short for "body odor", was coined by lifebuoy for an advertising campaign. (ironic, no? that the brand that coined the term 'b.o.' is the national soap brand of india. go figure.)
4.) lifebuoy soap was notably used in the lamest holiday film of all time, 'a christmas story', after ralphie said "fuck."
consider yourself in the know.

[via gawker]


My Name is William Rast. And I Have Faith.

it's not because i have a total man crush on justin timberlake that i think the new ad campaign for his clothing line, william rast, is really fucking awesome. it's because it really is. you'll probably start to see the billboards and print ads soon, if you haven't already. they are promoting the new collection as if it were a movie, and they snatched up videographer jonas akerlund to make several "trailers" for it that are available online. sounds expensive doesn't it? not when it costs $68 for a t-shirt, $220 for a pair of jeans, and $726 for a jacket. nobody said you had to buy any of it, but you can check out the campaign here:



I Need A Bucket List...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

i totally cheesed when i watched this movie, and i really feel like everyone should have a bucket list. i think we all do, we just don't think of it as such. i'd imagine, that they are never complete. that they go on as they did in the movie, long after we have passed. and they forever receive additions as our hopes and dreams grow and change. here's the beginning of mine, a work in progress. i'll repost as i update.

-visit all 50 states.
- drive cross country.
- see jimmy buffett live in key west.
- pilot a helicopter.
- go to olympic games.
- meet paula deen.
- cook with paula deen.
- visit vietnam.
- get a book published.
- be present at a historic speech.
- eat at the french laundry.
- own a restaurant.
- attend pinot noir camp in the pnw.
- pick malbec grapes in argentina.


Bag O'Douchenozzles...

the secret social fellowship, skulls & douchenozzles, which already includes idiots like tom cruise, elisabeth hasselbeck, jimmy kimmel and george w. bush, has a new member. joining the elite bottom feeding whiners is none other than elephant fox news' own, bill o'reilly. congratulations bill!


A Jet or Current of Water, Sometimes with a Dissolved Medicating or Cleansing Agent, Applied to a Body Part, Organ, or Cavity for Hygienic Purposes...

in honor of last week's total meltdown of our economy-and the fact that bush/mccain expects us to pay to bail out the fuckers who caused it—let us take a minute to focus on the stripe-shirted, bottle service-loving, date-raping, trust-funded, ivy league pieces of human waste who made it happen. don't get too caught up in the mercurial definition of the word "douchebag" when picturing one; just think of a douchebag as anyone who hasn't really earned their own money (exhibit a), has horrible taste (exhibit b), is insanely crass (exhibit c), and gets off on being a complete shithead to other people (exhibit d). they've been around through the ages, and they don't seem to be on the endangered species list. and you can forget the "moneyed" part, douchebags exist in every social strata, and some of them are female as well (exhibit e).

[via gawker]


[Your Morning Coffee]

"baby, now that i've found you" by alison krauss & union station
the brew dujour:
fair trade island coconut- I stash Island Coconut in my freezer and only take it out for rare occasions. This mornings rare occasion was I ran out of other coffee. What could have been a complete disaster was saved by the best flavored coffee ever made. The flavor takes you straight to the tropics. As if I really need to say it- I wish it was available all year long.



it's 12:46 am and i'm about 99.9% sure that i just saw a real subway commercial during snl that referred to a foot-long sub as a "YUM ROCKET."


Maybe I Don't Feel Like Such a Fat Ass Anymore...

Saturday, September 20, 2008

it's ironic that i just played five minutes to kill (yourself) 2 this afternoon over on [adult swim]. (and in case you were wondering, i was able to do it with 45 seconds to spare; after eating trash and drinking the contents of a colostomy bag in the park, i finished myself off by throwing myself into a wood chipper. not kidding, check it out HERE.) i think i could have saved myself the trouble had i just had access to a "happy" meal from McFatty's though. it could have been an instant coronary had it consisted of the following:

a monnow valley burger, medium-rare. this burger, from bompas & parr, is comprised of a hamburger patty with two slices of melted cheese, tomatoes, secret sauce and onions sandwiched inside a krispy kreme original glazed donut and garnished with a sliced gherkin. no worries though, the monnow valley burger only has 1000 calories and 45 grams of fat. it's practically diet food, and speaking of coronaries, this burger is also nicknamed the luther burger.

"would you like fries with that?" as a matter of fact, i would, as long as it's an order of these sweet potato fries covered in whipped cream and cinnamon sugar. wait, listen! can you hear me getting fatter? these happen to be a specialty at chicken charlie's, last seen at the l.a. county fair. (along with fried spam, fried artichoke hearts and fried pop tarts.) chicken charlie must live by anthony bourdain's fry-o-lator credo: "if it's smaller, slower and stupider than i am, batter it up and throw it in the fryer."

and why not wash down all of that deliciousness with one of these 2300(!?!) calorie death heath shakes from baskin robbins? i'm pretty sure that a normal adult male should consume about 2,500 calories a day; and although this shake nearly meets that requirement, there is a bright side, the saturated fat in one shake is over 3 times the recommended daily allowance of 20 grams, which will put you on the fast track for heart disease. of course, that's if the type 2 diabetes caused by all 266 grams of that sugar doesn't get you first. this beverage is so healthy, it should take away all the guilt you feel for eating that burger and those fries.

and i thought that i was a fat ass for downing 68 of the omnivore's hundred. but in any case, does that sound like a "happy" meal to you? maybe if you're michael phelps.

[via consumerist and cake wrecks]


I Know What It Looks Like, But What Is It Supposed To Be?

check out the video HERE.

and really, tell me what you think it's supposed to be, because for the life of me, i can't figure it out.

[thanks electa!]


[Your Morning Coffee]

"sorry seems to be the hardest word" by blue
the brew dujour:
Lake & Lodge- This is it; there is no other. I French Press my Lake & Lodge every morning. Consistantly delicous.


RE: RE: At the Risk of Sounding Like a Complete Fat Ass...

Friday, September 19, 2008

from a comment on my post at the risk of sounding like a complete fat ass:

"goober grape! i haven't thought about that in years. that was the sh*t!" very interesting list but I can't say i'm surprised since you're a foodie connoisseur. so, questions for you, (for another blog post?):"
--her royal spleeness

so, here we go...

- what was your first experience of black pudding like & how old were you?
the real first time i had it, i was probably about 10. i thought it was absolutely vile. my dad used to buy it from the hungarian butcher, and he would steam it and eat it like some people eat hot dogs. this is going to sound really strange, but have you ever put the contacts of a 9-volt battery on your tongue? the metallic flavor that is left in your mouth after the tingling stops, is very much what it tastes like. the first time that i enjoyed boudin noir was in culinary school; i was probably about 22. i had an austro-german instructor named chef rainer heinerwadel that used to make all sorts of european delicacies at his house, and he would bring them in for us to try. the whole 9-volt battery thing didn't apply to his boudin. it's definitely an acquired taste. brasserie les halles in new york city makes a fabulous boudin noir, fresh everyday.

- you've *tasted* borscht, but do you like it?
i do actually like it, as long as it's cold. borscht is kind of like sake in a weird way, depending on who you ask, it's supposed to be served hot or it's supposed to be cold. just like my sake, i prefer my borscht cold. the summer borscht at veselka is the best borscht i've ever had. (and they don't mind serving it cold.) that's an actual picture of it; doesn't it just scream barbie! delicious?!?

- what is bagna cauda?
bagna cauda is a fancy name for hot antipasto. it's sort of the italian version of fondue, only you dip bread and blanched vegetables in a little simmering cauldron filled with a mixture of olive oil, butter, garlic, anchovy paste and sometimes cream. the hot flavored oil warms/cooks the the veggies, as well as coats them in deliciousness. it's one of only two times that i enjoy the taste of anchovies, the other is in fresh caesar salad dressing.

- not a question, but laughed out loud at your adding "clotted" to moist & trundle as taboo words!

words to be deleted from the webster's dictionary:
--moist? check.
--trundle? check.
--clotted? check.
...and instantly the world would be a better place. this is the foundation of my plan for world peace.

- did you eat chocolate grasshoppers on purpose? what was the occasion?
i did eat one on purpose, as well as a fried meal worm. it was while i was in culinary school, and i was just curious what the hype was all about. nothing too exciting about them, to tell you the truth. they kind of taste like chocolate covered pretzels without salt. meal worms on the other hand, remember when timon and pumba were eating bugs in the lion king? and timon says "oh, my favorite, the cream filled kind." timon must have been eating a meal worm. i just threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about it. let's just liken it to a fried twinkie and move on. chocolate covered grasshoppers=good. fried meal worms=bad.

- wtf is phaal and is it foul?
i wouldn't say it's "foul," but as i noted in the original post: "i'm going to have to say no, because the pain of a burning sphincter is not appetizing to me." here's what i meant by that: in a typical indian restaurant, you order your dish and denote the level of spice (spice=heat, not flavor) that you prefer. most indian restaurants offer four temperatures: korma/mild, curry/medium, madras/medium hot and vindaloo/hot. though not available in many restaurants, after vindaloo in terms of hotness, comes tindaloo, which i can only assume is like chugging a bottle of tabasco sauce and snorting a line of black pepper up your nose. phaal, that comes after tindaloo on the hot list. it's the hottest shit you can get. (funnily enough phaal means 'jump' in hindu, most likely denoting the hopping to the toilet with your buttcheeks squeezed together after taking a bite.) in some indian joints, they serve it to you in the bathroom stall with a bottle of pepto. so i'll have to stick with my original answer, i love my sphincter too much to put it through the pain of phaal.

- tell us about sweetbreads! when did you eat them?
contrary to popular belief (holly) sweetbreads are not brains, so there's no need to rush to turn into a zombie to enjoy them. they are actually the thymus gland from the necks of moo-cows. veal sweetbreads are the most delicious, and are most often fried until crispy and served with a light vinaigrette or aioli. i love to eat them but never make them myself. it's one of those things that tastes better if you don't make it yourself, and much like mussels, i don't eat them at restaurants where i don't know the chef. the best sweetbreads on the planet are at a little place called gracie's in providence, ri. they serve them with roasted garlic and leek puree. yummo!

- ok, so krispy kreme was on the list but what is your favorite donut brand/flavor?
i'm a serious lover of boston creme donuts from real bakeries and donut shops. that would have to be my all time favorite. the only kind of donut that i will eat from dunkin donuts is their blueberry cake donuts, which for some strange reason are extra delicious. i also love apple fritters from wawa, all that sugary gooey goodness that they pile on top, sooo good. and on the krispy kreme front, i never really understood what all the hype was about. their donuts are just ok and their coffee consistently sucks.

- have you ever eaten someone else's hollandaise and gotten ill??
i've made hollandaise a gazillion times, and it sucks. in fact no one likes making it. it's a royal pain in the ass, and to tell you the truth, it's really not that good. i've never gotten sick from it, and honestly you don't need to be worried about it anymore these days. any restaurant that does serious business and has it on their menu is using hollandaise made from a powder that you mix with butter and cream; and any upscale restaurant that bothers with it is making it to order. but when it comes to hollandaise, anthony bourdain said it best: "bacteria love hollandaise... most likely, the stuff on your eggs was made hours ago and held on station. equally as disturbing is the likelihood that the butter used in the hollandaise is melted table butter, heated, clarified and strained to get out all the bread crumbs and cigarette butts... hollandaise sauce is a veritable petri dish of bio-hazards." need i say more?


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