Merry Christmas, Shitter Was Full [You've Got Cookies]

my actual cookies
i've spent many a year trying to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe, and i believe i have now found it. it comes from a woman i have never met, and affectionatly refer to as my future ex-wife. she works with my arizonian republican friend electa. she stressed to me the importance of using MAZOLA corn oil, "has to be mazola;" a direction that i followed, and because they came out so perfectly delicious, i also stress to you: use MAZOLA corn oil. this recipe makes a buttload of cookies, and requires what i can only imagine as a 50 gallon oil drum with the top cut off. (i ended up mixing in the chocolate chips on the countertop) you should be able to cut the recipe, unless of course you too need 15 dozen perfect cookies.

ingredients:

- 3 cups sugar
- 3 3/4 cups MAZOLA corn oil
- 3 cups dark brown sugar packed tight
- 8 JUMBO eggs (also stressed to me, the importance of JUMBO.)
- 4 teaspoons vanilla extract (here, i stress to you, DON'T use imitation vanilla. for anything. EVER. except perhaps to get drunk in a pinch. and i really don't recommend that either.)
- 9 cups all-purpose flour
- 4 teaspoons salt
- 6 teaspoons baking soda
- 12 cups of chocolate chips (12 cups of chips is a lot. even for this number of cookies. i ended up using 2 regular sized bags of hershey's chocolate chips, 1 1/2 bags of hershey's white chocolate chips and 1 bag of toll house chocolate chunks. regular sized bags of chocolate chips usually measure out to about 2 1/2 cups each.)

directions:

- mix oil and sugar until well blended
- add brown sugar and mix until well blended
- lightly beat eggs and add to oil/sugar mixture
- add vanilla
- mix flour, salt and baking soda in a seperate bowl (i know you usually skip this step, but it's important to make sure that salt and baking soda get ditributed evenly. so shut up and do it. what's one more bowl?)
- add flour mixture to oil/sugar/egg mixture slowly until it's all well blended
- add chocolate chips
- scoop golfball sized hunks of dough onto a cookie sheet (non-stick or not, you're always better off lining your cookie sheets with parchment. for any cookie recipe. it keeps them from sticking and cooks them more evenly. and you can use the same sheet of parchment to bake all of these cookies. no need to change it everytime. you can find it in the grocery store by the aluminum foil and plastic wrap. a roll costs $4 and will last you forever. invest in your cooking stardom, my friends.)
- bake in a 375 degree oven for 15 minutes
- gain 50 pounds eating them one tray at a time!

***i'm not a huge fan of crunchy cookies. or mushy cookies. that's why these are perfect. lightly crunchy on the outside, and chewy on the inside. and toss them in a ziplock, and they stay that way for weeks!