My Reflection of Father's Day...

all my life's a circle...
my true self, is truly a culmination of who i came from and where i've been. i'm quite content with the realization that 'the real me' is actually a 'real them.' everyone learns things about themselves from their environment and from the people they associate with. in the self-absorbed society that we live in today, i am more comfortable defending the fact that i am a product of my environment. some may call it affectation, i call it learning. often times the thought of someone copying your style is viewed negatively; i, on the other hand, think that it's the ultimate compliment. from gestures to habits to phrases, the fact that someone can remember the way you do things is a sentiment to the fact that you impacted their life when you carried out the operative function. this just goes to show how the cycle begins again; just like i learned from the populace of my past, i pass my knowledge on to all those who follow me. and so it begins again...

cat's in the cradle...
when i think back to my childhood, the most vivid memories, though negative, often revolve around one person: my father. as far back as i can remember, my parents have been divorced; in fact, there was never a time that i can recall when my mother and father were married and living in the same place. most of my memories began when my mom took me and my sisters to live with my grandparents. i was young, afraid, and nowhere near a point of understanding why i could only go home to one parent when all of my classmates went home to two. it just seemed normal to me; after all, i had nothing to compare it to. i am the youngest and only son and in a nick-at-nite-world that means that i should aspire to be just like my father. he should have been my role model. he should have been there for me to play catch with; he should have been there to give me the talk about the birds and the bees. he wasn't. so many times he would call and say that he was on his way, coming to get me, to spend time with me; instead he would leave me waiting on the curb in tears, only to show up three hours late, or not at all. i hope that i learned from this, his, mistake; i know better now.

a better place to be...
all these times of heartache, left me to lean on the one person that was always there for me, my mom. she was the one who brought us away from a home full of bad memories, she was the one who told me about girls, she was the one that spent the time teaching me about the ups and downs of life, she was my role model. i can only imagine that trying to be mom and dad was no easy task, but she did her best given the circumstances. she more than anyone has shaped me into the person that i have become.

i wanna learn a love song...
eventually i stopped waiting. i stopped caring. i made the decision that if i was going to make it, i could do it without him. i had plenty of other people around me that had the time for me, who cared for me, and who had an influence on my present day self. i learned life lessons from the people who had the time to teach me. more often than not, i learned the most from people that didn't even realize that they were teaching me. my old principal from high school, ken hart, was a great example of that. the time that he spent butting heads with me way-back-when taught me how to deal with my stubbornness, a lesson which helped me get into the college of my dreams. i owe that feat to him. he stepped in for a short time, after realizing that a father figure was absent in my life.

let time go lightly...
i see myself following in the footprints of my influences in life. as far as the person that i am now, i am, for the most part, content. i'm writing my own past, and trying my best to sculpt the world that i will occupy in the future. the past year has been a tough one, and i'm not out of the woods yet. i have major life changing decisions to make to get my life back on track. i don't blame anyone for the turbulence in my life, but i do know the difference between an excuse and a reason. there are certainly reasons why the last year has been so tough, but as a very wise man once told me- "tough times never last, but tough people do."

the shortest story...
things aren't as bad as they seem. i don't hate my father. i forgive him for all of those tears, but i will never forget them. i don't know that he has learned from his mistakes, but i hope that i have. i don't want to end up like the cat in the cradle. i continue to learn from the people that i surround myself with, and i appreciate what you all have to offer me. i carry with me the memories of a turbulent life, the mistakes of myself and others, and the strength that has gotten me through it all. things can only get better with time and the fact that i am still here is a testament to that. i've slipped, i've fallen, and i've bounced back many times; each trip has only shown my strength and endurance. now it's time that i return from a reminiscent past and continue to concentrate on now...

this is a rewritten version of an essay that i wrote in 2002 titled 'all my life's a circle: a psychological self-assessment.' i edited it down a bit, and updated it at the same time. each section is named after a harry chapin song from the album 'greatest stories live;' an album that holds a bittersweet place in my life, as it reminds me of my childhood and days gone by, both good and bad.

i have been reading this every father's day since i wrote it, as it encompasses much of my still strained relationship between my father and i. we've never really gotten each other, and i am not sure that we ever will.

[PostSecret]