My Secret on Post Secret...

one of my 'secrets' was posted over on postsecret on sunday, but in an attempt to keep it a secret, i'll only give you THIS link as a clue to which one is mine.

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A Holiday Secret [Post Secret]

my favorite from today's holiday secrets. in case you can't read it, it says:

"My bus driver gave all the kids on my bus Christmas cards to fill out and give to someone that they didn't know on the bus. This whole year I've been looking for a Miracle...and I think she is it. Despite what everyone says about us, she believes we are special. And in the end that's all I really want for Christmas. -Thank you."

[via postsecret]

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Good Sunday Morning, Be It Early...

[via postsecret]

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Please DON'T Say "I Love You."

"Maybe he doesn't love you because you appear to be spineless. How embarrassing it must be to have one secret and this be it."
[post secret via molls]

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100 Little Things...

i'm overjoyed
i'm over loved and feeling lucky
like a little boy who's just,
who's hiding under cover
and looking to discover
every way to play the part inside this darkened cave
the meaning of life well it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and i hope you see mine
~1000 things~ ~jason mraz~
me not writing lately hasn't been so much that i haven't had much to say, but more about how i'm not sure how to say it; and sometimes the most persuasive things are silent. prior to my two earlier posts from last night, it has been a while. and until my friend spleeness shot me a message, i was having trouble getting my act together. so in an attempt to get the proverbial juices flowing again, i've gone ahead and made a list of 100 things about me. (an idea that i totally swiped from her.) some of these things you may know, some you may not. at the same time, some you may wish you didn't know, but i'm fine with that too. feel free to comment if you wish, it would be appreciated as always.

and now, without further adieu...

100 little things about me.
1. I clean my ears everyday. Not because they are dirty, but because it feels good. Eargasms are awesome.

2. For the most part, I don’t mind generic brand products. Some products, however, cannot be substituted; one of those happens to be q-tips. Another is Heinz ketchup. You can keep your “cotton swabs” and “catsup.”

3. I totally have a man crush on Justin Timberlake.

4. I don’t do mornings. And by ‘mornings’ I mean the first 3-4 hours after waking up from 3-4 hours of sleep. If I am awake at 7am, you better hope I’m still up from the night before or else watch the hell out.

5. I despise snakes. I think it’s because I don’t, regardless of who tries to explain it to me, understand how they move.

6. I also despise dolls with freckles. Not really sure of the reason, though I’m pretty sure Chucky & his bride have something to do with it.

7. I love coffee. The darker the better. My purpose in life is to find the perfect cup.

8. I always sleep with a comforter on. In the winter I keep the window open and in the summer I pump the AC, all so I can keep warm under the covers.

9. I can’t sleep with socks on.

10. The worst feeling in the world is walking around in socks and stepping in something wet. Wet socks=DISGUSTING.

11. I can hold full conversations with certain people speaking only in movie and Saturday Night Live quotes.

12. I overuse certain words and phrases. Examples would include “divine” and “I wouldn’t be more serious if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet.”

13. I am probably the least jealous person alive.

14. I enjoy vacuuming because it fills me with a sense of accomplishment.

15. I can’t stand when people talk to me while I’m vacuuming, I must do it in complete silence. This is because you can hear noise coming from someone’s mouth if they talk to you, but you can’t actually hear what they are saying. That frustrates me, think about it. It’s annoying right?

16. I love going grocery shopping with a huge list and no money except the grocery money. I enjoy trying to get everything for a set amount of money. Typically, I end up with change.

17. I enjoy sand in my toes.

18. I love flip-flops.

19. I love shoes, but would rather be barefoot.

20. I bite my nails a lot. To the point that my fingertips hurt sometimes. That’s what you get for quitting smoking. (That and 20 extra pounds!)

21. I appreciate expensive shampoo. Redken is actually better and not because it costs more.

22. I collect books that I want to read, but I tend to reread the same ones over and over again.

23. I’ve read Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain 14 times.

24. My office space is always cluttered. Cluttered and organized. I always know where everything is, even if it’s a post-it in the center of a pile of papers.

25. People who can’t spell annoy me.

26. People who use poor grammar annoy me too.

27. People who mix up words that sound the same make me want to shoot a staple into my cornea. i.e. two, too, to.

28. I sleep on my stomach. Even if I’m on the couch.

29. I only snore when I am sick.

30. My favorite time of year is from Halloween to New Years.

31. With the addition of the 4th of July, because 4th of July BBQs are fantastic!

32. I don’t celebrate my birthday.

33. I don’t like when random people say Happy Birthday to me. Like when you run into a friend in the mall within a day or two of your birthday, and they are shopping with a friend that they work with, that you have never met before- and they say “happy birthday” and then the random friend feels obligated and says “happy birthday.” Happy birthday from a random person? I’d rather drink motor oil.

34. I’m not a huge fan of milk. One thing you’ll NEVER hear come out of my mouth- “I could really go for an ice cold glass of milk.”

35. When I do consume milk, I am VERY conscious of the expiration date.

36. I have no food allergies and I appreciate that.

37. I love artificial cherry flavoring.

38. Therefore I enjoy anything that is artificially cherry flavored.

39. I wish all food was “gummi.” I love gummi anything, especially worms.

40. I listen to a wide array of music. Literally some of everything.

41. Classical music makes me angry.

42. I think all gold jewelry looks cheap.

43. I don’t like making plans. I prefer to go with the flow.

44. I wander when I brush my teeth. I almost NEVER stand in front of the sink when I do it.

45. I’ve cracked my head open three times.

46. I hate when people try and beat around the bush. Just spit it out.

47. And be honest. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.

48. Don’t expect me to censor my opinion. That’ll never happen.

49. I’ve never been arrested. Officially at least.

50. I hate car payments.

51. I’ll cook you a delicious 8 course meal and I’ll enjoy every minute of it, but I won’t wash a single dish.

52. I can sleep through anything, but I can’t fall asleep if it’s not silent.

53. I’ve been homeless and have lived in my car.

54. I hate making multiple trips with groceries; I’d rather injure myself carrying everything at once.

55. My favorite bottled beverages: b-Relaxed VitaminWater, Wild Cherry Pepsi and Snapple Lemon Tea.

56. My favorite bottled water: Panna. But it has to be in a glass bottle.

57. I’m addicted to the entire Law & Order franchise. It doesn’t matter how many times I have seen an episode, I’ll still watch it again.

58. When it comes to competition shows on TV, like Dancing with the Stars or Next Food Network Star, I have anxiety if I miss an episode and didn’t get to see who got the boot. I feel like when I watch shows like that for so many weeks, that I invested so much time in them that would all go to waste if I missed an episode. I know, its neurotic, but it’s me.

59. I love Volkswagens.

60. I love driving with the windows down when it’s freezing cold and blasting the heat on super-hot-as-balls.

61. I’m totally whipped on NBC news. I cannot watch any other news channel because the newscasters are typically asshats. And by NBC, I mean NBC New York. When I lived in South Jersey and North Carolina, and now Pennsylvania, I’ve never cared about the “local” news, New York news is always my “local” news no matter where I am.

62. When it comes to eating strange food, I’ll try anything a dozen times before I decide whether I actually like it or not.

63. I love wine, especially red.

64. I especially love the warm & toasty feeling that you get after consuming copious amounts of wine.

65. Beer is delicious and I truly appreciate the difference in different styles of beers.

66. My least favorite “Beer Season” is the fall.

67. I’ve never owned a car without a sunroof.

68. I used to have a really important job. Everyone knew who I was. But I was never truly happy.

69. Some people think that I am gay because I have a good sense of style when it comes to interior design. They’re all haters.

70. I love photography, especially if it’s black and white.

71. I want to learn how to play acoustic guitar.

72. Or the piano.

73. I despise talking on the phone, because I have no attention span.

74. If I were a betting man, I’d be willing to bet you $500,000.00 that you don’t know another person who has worse credit than I. If I were a betting man, which I’m not.

75. I’m an ordained interfaith minister, like Joey from friends.

76. I’ve had names picked for my unborn children for about 10 years.

77. I thoroughly enjoy spontaneity.

78. I love music for the way it makes me feel. Whether it’s the way the lyrics make me feel, or the music itself. I’ve been known to like songs about “killin’ bitches and hoes,” just because the song had a good beat or a sweet hook.

79. I would love to have a job that required me to carry a gun.

80. Some people think I’m emo because I love Panic @ the Disco and I’m not afraid to admit it.

81. I enjoy cooking for people in my house or at theirs, but I typically don’t eat when I cook.

82. I prefer food that’s cold.

83. If I was on Death Row and was asked about what I wanted for my last meal, I would want my mom’s meatloaf, cold, on Wonder Bread with a whole lot of Heinz Ketchup. And sweet potato fries with honey.

84. It annoys me when people whistle to try and get someone’s attention. Whistle at me and I’ll rip your lips off, I’m not a damn dog.

85. It also annoys me when people refer to items by their brand names regardless of the actual brand of the product. Like people that call paper towels- “Scott Towels,” tissues- “Kleenex” and bleach- “Clorox.”

86. I like walking in the rain.

87. And sleeping through thunderstorms with the windows open.

88. My favorite sushi- spicy tuna handroll.

89. My favorite bagel- everything, not toasted with scallion cream cheese.

90. I love vodka. On ice. It’s delicious.

91. I rarely get hangovers, but when I do, watch out.

92. I used to be able to drink a 30 pack of beer and still be able to function. I say “used to” because it’s been a while.

93. I’d love to live in a shanty on the beach in Key West and have a job that required me to wear flip-flops.

94. Some people have the ability to make me so angry that it gives me a headache. Luckily, Elisabeth Hasselbeck doesn’t come around my house much or she’d be in trouble. Tom Cruise either.

95. I enjoy blogging, but the last dozen things I’ve written, I’ve kept private. Mostly because I don’t care what my sisters have to say about any of it.

96. I love the feeling of contentment after eating the perfect meal.

97. And also the feeling of contentment after sneezing or laughing so hard that your eyes water.

98. I too, have never been good at video games because I lack hand/eye coordination.

99. I appreciate alone time, but rarely have any.

100. I’ve sent six “secrets” to Post-Secret and all of them have been posted on the website. No one will ever know that I wrote them, but I have to say that it’s been nice to be able to get them off of my chest.

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My Reflection of Father's Day...

all my life's a circle...
my true self, is truly a culmination of who i came from and where i've been. i'm quite content with the realization that 'the real me' is actually a 'real them.' everyone learns things about themselves from their environment and from the people they associate with. in the self-absorbed society that we live in today, i am more comfortable defending the fact that i am a product of my environment. some may call it affectation, i call it learning. often times the thought of someone copying your style is viewed negatively; i, on the other hand, think that it's the ultimate compliment. from gestures to habits to phrases, the fact that someone can remember the way you do things is a sentiment to the fact that you impacted their life when you carried out the operative function. this just goes to show how the cycle begins again; just like i learned from the populace of my past, i pass my knowledge on to all those who follow me. and so it begins again...

cat's in the cradle...
when i think back to my childhood, the most vivid memories, though negative, often revolve around one person: my father. as far back as i can remember, my parents have been divorced; in fact, there was never a time that i can recall when my mother and father were married and living in the same place. most of my memories began when my mom took me and my sisters to live with my grandparents. i was young, afraid, and nowhere near a point of understanding why i could only go home to one parent when all of my classmates went home to two. it just seemed normal to me; after all, i had nothing to compare it to. i am the youngest and only son and in a nick-at-nite-world that means that i should aspire to be just like my father. he should have been my role model. he should have been there for me to play catch with; he should have been there to give me the talk about the birds and the bees. he wasn't. so many times he would call and say that he was on his way, coming to get me, to spend time with me; instead he would leave me waiting on the curb in tears, only to show up three hours late, or not at all. i hope that i learned from this, his, mistake; i know better now.

a better place to be...
all these times of heartache, left me to lean on the one person that was always there for me, my mom. she was the one who brought us away from a home full of bad memories, she was the one who told me about girls, she was the one that spent the time teaching me about the ups and downs of life, she was my role model. i can only imagine that trying to be mom and dad was no easy task, but she did her best given the circumstances. she more than anyone has shaped me into the person that i have become.

i wanna learn a love song...
eventually i stopped waiting. i stopped caring. i made the decision that if i was going to make it, i could do it without him. i had plenty of other people around me that had the time for me, who cared for me, and who had an influence on my present day self. i learned life lessons from the people who had the time to teach me. more often than not, i learned the most from people that didn't even realize that they were teaching me. my old principal from high school, ken hart, was a great example of that. the time that he spent butting heads with me way-back-when taught me how to deal with my stubbornness, a lesson which helped me get into the college of my dreams. i owe that feat to him. he stepped in for a short time, after realizing that a father figure was absent in my life.

let time go lightly...
i see myself following in the footprints of my influences in life. as far as the person that i am now, i am, for the most part, content. i'm writing my own past, and trying my best to sculpt the world that i will occupy in the future. the past year has been a tough one, and i'm not out of the woods yet. i have major life changing decisions to make to get my life back on track. i don't blame anyone for the turbulence in my life, but i do know the difference between an excuse and a reason. there are certainly reasons why the last year has been so tough, but as a very wise man once told me- "tough times never last, but tough people do."

the shortest story...
things aren't as bad as they seem. i don't hate my father. i forgive him for all of those tears, but i will never forget them. i don't know that he has learned from his mistakes, but i hope that i have. i don't want to end up like the cat in the cradle. i continue to learn from the people that i surround myself with, and i appreciate what you all have to offer me. i carry with me the memories of a turbulent life, the mistakes of myself and others, and the strength that has gotten me through it all. things can only get better with time and the fact that i am still here is a testament to that. i've slipped, i've fallen, and i've bounced back many times; each trip has only shown my strength and endurance. now it's time that i return from a reminiscent past and continue to concentrate on now...

this is a rewritten version of an essay that i wrote in 2002 titled 'all my life's a circle: a psychological self-assessment.' i edited it down a bit, and updated it at the same time. each section is named after a harry chapin song from the album 'greatest stories live;' an album that holds a bittersweet place in my life, as it reminds me of my childhood and days gone by, both good and bad.

i have been reading this every father's day since i wrote it, as it encompasses much of my still strained relationship between my father and i. we've never really gotten each other, and i am not sure that we ever will.

[PostSecret]

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Snap Out of the Funk...

i apologize for the deluge of youtube videos as of late, and yet here is another one. although this video is not so much about the images, as the song itself. it's much easier to post a youtube video with the song, than to try and find a place to host an mp3, so i'm afraid this is the best i could do for now.

i woke up in a strange funk today, and now it's 1:30 in the morning again, and after sleeping most of the day away, the funk continues. i could joke about how guys get their period too, maybe not on such a rigorous schedule, but at least for me when it happens, everyone knows about it. so i try and keep to myself.

i cried for the first time in a long time today. i've come to some realizations that i'll have to accept, although i definately am not happy with. i have a shared responsibilty that i have had to bear on my own for some time now, and it seems, although i thought the end was near, i must continue to bear it on my own. i will keep my promise to myself though. i will still be a happier person than i used to be. i do plan on living more simply, as i had planned before. now, i just have another obstacle to get by in order to make myself happy and have my needs actually become mine.

after all, my life has always been about tales of winning and tales of losing, though mostly tales from that nether state in between where i have learned to live. this is just another lesson to prove my place.

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Will Work For Food...

i stumbled onto this picture in my cellphone's online photo album tonight. i remember vividly the morning that i took it, and just about everything else about the three months that followed it. it was taken during a very strange period in my life; one that i would love to learn from and forget about, but instead i feel that i am constantly reminded of and wonder- 'just how much different is my life now?'

i woke up in the passenger seat of my car. in the colosseum parking garage at caesars in atlantic city. i had worked the day before, for literally, 34 hours straight. still exhausted and groggy, i was woken up by a single beam of sunlight, no larger than a dime, blasting from god knows where, right into my eye, broken up only by the cross hanging from my rearview mirror.

i don't often remember my dreams, and most of the time when i do, i would prefer to classify them as nightmares. but this particular morning, for some odd reason, i remembered every second of my dream. and right now, nearly 1 year later, i still remember it as if it just happened. i was having a heart-to-heart with god. not necessarily 'God' in the proper form, but with whom i can only assume was my god. he, for the record, looked very much like dennis miller (cir. 1990) with the intriguing eyes of franklin roosevelt. but he was outlining my life, concentrating as i recall, more heavily and in more depth on the present and near future. he was aware of everything, as i had not said a word, but i heard it all just as i had lived it. at the end of the reflection, he said "when the time comes you'll know what to do and you'll know when to do it." cue: beam of sunlight.

as i mentioned before, i had just worked 34 hours straight, hadn't showered or changed in that time, and hadn't had a day off in about 3 weeks. my life at the time consisted mainly of work, coupled with excess alcohol, drugs and debauchery. all the work, all the play, and i wake up in my car; not because i was responsible and didn't drive home after drinking, but because for 3 months of my life, my car was my home. for 3 months i lived at 2005 jeep liberty lane. and no one knew it. i had a semi-high profile job at a company that was "going places and taking me with it." i 'moved' into a post office box, stashed my stuff in a storage locker, and pretended to show up to work everyday chipper and well-rested.

as frank warren once said, "there are some secrets we keep from others, and other's we keep from ourselves." i spent many a nights thinking about where i was going, and where i was going to end up. how long could i do this? how long could i hide it? i wasn't sure. i couldn't answer my own questions, so i shut it all out. pretended that it wasn't happening. i decided to keep this secret from myself and everyone else. i went about my days without others having a clue. in fact, some of those people that i was hiding it from will read this now, and i hope they can look back and see the answer to the 'why?'

i think my biggest fear was about being judged. i wasn't supposed to be in this situation. i wasn't meant to be in this situation. but i was, and still, a year later, haven't completely recovered from it. i'm really trying to start a brand new chapter in my life. i feel like getting this off of my chest is something that i've needed to do for a long time. i think it will answer the question 'why?' for more than just my coworkers from that time.

i've carried a worn copy of this poem in my wallet since that day. it reminded me of what i was hiding from, and of how much worse it could get. the first time that i read it, i used it as a checklist to see how far i had fallen. i wasn't looking good, that was for sure. but time they say heals all wounds. and although i am still struggling to put my past into my past, i feel like this is a huge step. i can only hope that the judgement and ridicule isn't affirmed...

Will Work For Food by Rose Limongi

Who am I?
I am me; humble and alone
I am your son, your daughter, and your ex-
I am your friend, your lover, and a skeleton
I am a woman, a mother, and a child
I am a former CEO, a POW, disabled
I am a genius, an ex-convict, and prostitute
I am a druggie, an alcoholic, mentally ill
I am an annoyance, an embarrassment, and a cheat
I am filthy, robbed of my humanity, beaten down
I am playing the system, faking it (or am I?)
I am choosing to live this way – I could work if I wanted
I am living under bridges, in libraries, dumpsters and cars
I am an angel, a threat, a danger, and a pitiful reminder of failure
I am demanding – begging for leftovers and money
I am despicable for smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol
I am not responsible enough to love others, so you say
I am the person you judge each and every day
I am me; humble and alone

How many times will people judge me – naked and exposed?
My life and all my worldly goods contained in a sack
My shopping cart filled with your disposable consumer goods
My dining experience is your garbage, dumpster for 1 please
My healthcare is non-existent unless I’m left for dead
My conversations with people are from a distance
My mind aches from watching the haves tip the scales
My soul, no longer intact, has been scorched with hatred
I am me; humble and alone

You don’t want to see me, you hate me, and you despise me
You pity me, judge me, curse me, you wish I would go away
You throw money at me in disgust; shout obscenities and sneer
You nearly run me over – justifying the act in your mind
You head to toe me with disgusted eyes then make me invisible
You fear getting too close for smell or threat of crime
You lock your doors; take the safety off your gun beside you
You tell me to “get a fucking job you loser”
You ban me from earning any money on roads
You ban me from public places you enjoy
You deny me my basic civil rights because I lack a home
I am me; humble and alone

What you don’t realize is this
What I once was and who I have become are irrelevant
What I need matters far more ultimately
Buy me a meal at a fast food restaurant; then sit with me
Talk to me; get to know my story
Keep some easily opened, non-perishable foods in your car
Give me the greatest gift of all - a smile
Remember that I am human, with wants, needs, and desires
Never forget that you too, are one or two paychecks away
From the life you now sit in judgment of
Remember that it is only with each other that we all survive
Alone and apart – we die of spiritual starvation
Souls executed for being nothing more than - fallible, human
Extend the hand of love and friendship – invest in me again
Retrieve me from the vast wasteland of solitude and depression
Fertilize my mind with ideas and hope once more
Don’t abandon me when I fail, or fall back on bad habits
Be firm, yet fair – for I am you in one or two paychecks
I am me; humble and alone.

'Will Work For Food...' © 2004 Rose Limongi

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