I Hate Facebook, And 25 Other Things That You Probably Don't Give A Sh*t About:

1- i've recently discovered that hearing people eat cereal makes me want to punch them in the face. the slurp/crunch combo kills me.

2- i have zero tolerance/compassion for sick people. and by sick, i mean cold, flu, headache, etc.; i'm not talking gravely ill. when i'm sick, i may be in a bitchy mood, but you won't hear me complaining about it.

3- i haven't had a cellphone in almost 2 years. as much as i love not having one, i've realized that it's the only way to keep in touch with some people. i'm currently in the final stages of breaking down to purchase a new one.

4- i'm totally one of those stubborn/loyal people that finds a product or service that works, and i never stray. some examples as of late: cough drops- fisherman's friend (they may taste like ass chalk, but they work like a charm), cold remedy- theraflu (because it's jersey born and raised, just like me), chapstick- blistex clear advance (well, i used to be loyal, until those asshats discontinued it. now i'm a carmex man).

5- totally opposite of #4, some things i couldn't care less about. exhibit a: toilet paper. i don't care if it's silk or 80 grit, if it keeps my hand clean and wipes the crack, it's fine by me.

6- i was less than legitimately employed for the first 11 months of 2008.

7- i thoroughly enjoy personal time, and i get bitchy when i don't have any.

8- some of my best blogging in the past 2 months has happened on the i95 corridor.

9- i enjoy drinking the juice out of jars of banana pepper rings.

10- lately i've had heartburn like a 90 year old and have been chewing zantac like pez. this can most likely be attributed to actions such as #9.

11- i really want to do undercover police work. i think i'd be great at it. nobody in their right mind would ever suspect me. ever.

12- i would kill a praying mantis for a spicy tuna handroll and a bowl of kimchee right about now.

13- even though i think i would be a great undercover agent, i would also really like to be the person that chooses the music to go in movies and tv shows. and i would be the fcuking cool musical director (if that's what they're called) because i wouldn't just use all the been-around-way-too-long-bands that get used in every damn movie. hey, mtv, call me.

14- that i can count, there are 6 people in my life that i refer to as "my future ex-wife." my girlfriend is not one of them.

15- ...but i don't ever want to get married, so hopefully that'll never happen. though i do want kids, and a 'wife,' just not marriage so much. goldie hawn and kurt russell did it and are living happily ever after, so why can't i?

16- i know that money doesn't fix everything, but $250,000 sure would be nice right about now. when i drive back and forth between virginia and new jersey, every time i see a lottery sign, i daydream about all the things that i would do if i won that money.

17- my current job requires me to talk on the phone for 8 hours a day. almost once a day, someone tells me that i have a sexy phone voice. today i have a sore throat and a stuffy nose, and 4, count them, 4 people said it today. and the last one was a dude that said i "gave him the chills."

18- i'm only going to say this once: i love watching the real world brooklyn. don't judge me.

19- i have the uncanny ability to not only draw strange connections between otherwise unrelated objects/places/smells/tastes/etc., but also to remember them. forever. i.e. whenever i drink dr. pepper, i immediately visualize the break room at leewards, where my mom used to work when i was 10. whenever i smell wet hay, it reminds me of the jaycees carnival at borough field in my hometown. i could go on forever...

20- facebook requires way to much effort on my part. i wish the world would realize that although myspace is juvenile, at least it tells you when somebody talks shit about you. on facebook you have to continuously stalk people to see who's talking smack. i don't have that kind of time.

21- for as stressed out as i feel all the time, i've realized that compared to most people i know, i'm a pretty laid back and easy going guy.

22- i hate that when i'm freezing my balls off i think to myself, "i'd rather be sweating my ass off." and when i'm sweating my ass off i think to myself, "i'd rather be freezing my balls off." because really, i'd rather be doing neither.

23- new words that i hate: truncate, lavage, piquant, meme, quixotic.

24- flashback to #16- people that cannot hold a conversation about anything, without mentioning the cost of something make me want to drink cod liver oil. money does not equal true happiness.

25- sometimes, i wish that i did, indeed, sweat actual butter. then i could rub toast in my armpits.

**BONUS** i bet after this, no one ever posts a 'note' on facebook ever again. and for the asswipe facebook inventor that started this meme, congratulations! now everyone knows about another useless function that facebook has to offer. thank you for providing mind numbing entertainment for half the country. next time just send an email chain letter, it's easier to forward. thanks.