Maybe I Don't Feel Like Such a Fat Ass Anymore...

it's ironic that i just played five minutes to kill (yourself) 2 this afternoon over on [adult swim]. (and in case you were wondering, i was able to do it with 45 seconds to spare; after eating trash and drinking the contents of a colostomy bag in the park, i finished myself off by throwing myself into a wood chipper. not kidding, check it out HERE.) i think i could have saved myself the trouble had i just had access to a "happy" meal from McFatty's though. it could have been an instant coronary had it consisted of the following:

a monnow valley burger, medium-rare. this burger, from bompas & parr, is comprised of a hamburger patty with two slices of melted cheese, tomatoes, secret sauce and onions sandwiched inside a krispy kreme original glazed donut and garnished with a sliced gherkin. no worries though, the monnow valley burger only has 1000 calories and 45 grams of fat. it's practically diet food, and speaking of coronaries, this burger is also nicknamed the luther burger.

"would you like fries with that?" as a matter of fact, i would, as long as it's an order of these sweet potato fries covered in whipped cream and cinnamon sugar. wait, listen! can you hear me getting fatter? these happen to be a specialty at chicken charlie's, last seen at the l.a. county fair. (along with fried spam, fried artichoke hearts and fried pop tarts.) chicken charlie must live by anthony bourdain's fry-o-lator credo: "if it's smaller, slower and stupider than i am, batter it up and throw it in the fryer."

and why not wash down all of that deliciousness with one of these 2300(!?!) calorie death heath shakes from baskin robbins? i'm pretty sure that a normal adult male should consume about 2,500 calories a day; and although this shake nearly meets that requirement, there is a bright side, the saturated fat in one shake is over 3 times the recommended daily allowance of 20 grams, which will put you on the fast track for heart disease. of course, that's if the type 2 diabetes caused by all 266 grams of that sugar doesn't get you first. this beverage is so healthy, it should take away all the guilt you feel for eating that burger and those fries.

and i thought that i was a fat ass for downing 68 of the omnivore's hundred. but in any case, does that sound like a "happy" meal to you? maybe if you're michael phelps.

[via consumerist and cake wrecks]