we've been having problems with our phone/interet/cable for weeks now. last week we scheduled an appointment for this past monday, for which no one ever showed up. yesterday, sam called to make another appointment because i know how i get when i deal with the cable company. the earliest available date for service? MONDAY! wtf, right? so this morning, the internet wasn't working before noon, which has lately been the case, and having not slept (and sans coffee), i twittered this:eleven minutes later, i got this: (to be read from the bottom up)fast forward to 2:16pm... comcast man rolls up in my driveway, spends 40 minutes f'n with wires and such and fixes EVERYTHING.
so for those of you that don't believe in twitter, you better recognize.
i'm not exactly sure how i missed this story last year, because even beyond the multiple headlines that accompanied this story and crack me up, there's also the circumstances and details surrounding it:
Kevin Hansen ordered a steak at a Texas Roadhouse in West Bend, Milwaukee and bit into it. After three bites, he noticed something odd. A foreign object. It wasn't a prize, or a coupon for a free drink. It was human facial hair, placed in his steak by cook Ryan Kropp. "...Hansen spotted what looked like pubic hairs "stuffed in the middle of the steak." A subsequent police probe resulted in the arrest of Ryan Kropp, a 24-year-old cook who admitted adding "at least two of his facial hairs" to the steak..." Hansen wasn't the only victim of Kropp's follicle-spreading-spree. According to the criminal complaint, later that night Kropp placed hair in a second steak, turned to a co-worker, and announced, "These are my pubes." The cook was charged with a felony count of putting a foreign object in food, punishable by a max of 3.5 years in prison(!!!) and a $10,000 fine(!!!).
Barry Goldberg decided that this was the season for giving — so he spent $1300 on $10 Walmart gift cards and stood in front of the store handing them out. Until Walmart stopped him.
Barry is an out-of-work mortgage executive who just wants to dress as Santa Claus and hand out gifts. Is there anything so terrible about that?
"The next thing I knew, they turned to me and said, ‘You have to leave the store. You can’t do this here. You’re soliciting,’” Goldberg said. “I said, ‘I’m not soliciting anything. I’m giving.’”
The out-of-work mortgage lending executive said he still has 44 gift cards left from his weekend adventure. “They asked me, ‘Well, where did you get these cards?’” he said. “’I bought them from your store 20 minutes ago.’ ‘Well, what are you doing?’ (they asked). I said, “I’m giving out gift cards. It’s the holidays. The right thing to do is to give, isn’t it?’” In a statement to Eyewitness News, Wal-Mart states,” While we appreciate the customer’s patronage, we understand that he was interrupting the flow of foot traffic in the store’s vestibule.”
There's a happy ending though, Target swapped his Walmart gift cards for Target ones and let him hand them out in front of their store.
reason #263,599,812 why walmart sucks and you shouldn't shop there. even at the holidays.
...i get that. but unless you have ever worked in an industry that pays you crap because you work for tips, you won't really understand this: in tough times, if you can't afford to tip, don't go out. don't go out to eat. don't get your haircut. don't get wasted at a bar. don't take a cab. nothing. if you know that dinner at shannanagin's costs about twenty-five bucks, not including tip, and all you got is a twenty-spot and a couple of singles, do us all a favor and hit-up the drive thru at mcfatty's. trust me when i tell you that betty-the-beautician is just as hard up for cash as you. keeping busy on your mop won't take her mind off of how she knows you're going to stiff her like last time. screw ben bernanke and his "economic stimulating." if you can't afford to tip - especially now that the holidays are here - forget the economy. stay home, rent some porn, and "stimulate" yourself.
Yahoo Hotjobs offers the following tip suggestions:
* Bartender: 10-15% of the bar bill. * Waiter/Waitress: 15-20% of the bill, at least 20% for fine dining or large groups. * Massage Therapist: 10-20% of the total, 20% if it's orgasmic. * Hairstylist: 15% of the total. * Concierge: $5-10 is average, more for special services or favors. * Doorman: $1 dollar or more for help with luggage or finding a taxi on the street. * Parking Attendant: $1-2, depending on how far they travel to get your car. * Van Driver: $1 or more per bag, especially if they help you with your luggage. * Taxi Driver: 15% of fare, $1/bag up to 5 bags, $2/bag for 5 or more bags.
In addition, if you regularly use any of these, or other service workers, you'll likely want to give them an extra holiday tip this season. For guidance on what amounts are appropriate, Consumer Reports offers a nice chart on what others are tipping this season.
...and if you need more tips on how to be a serious cheapass, buy THIS book.
japan is a unique country with an adventurous palate, the perfect place to try out new pepsi yogurt(wtf?) flavor, aka "pepsi white." consumerist reader danny says, "the flavor was quite sweet, and closer to that of 7-up with some slightly milky tones. not really yogurt, just milk. (as if that difference makes it more acceptable.) overall it was good, if odd." in this concoction, it would appear culinary scientists have discovered the absolute gastronomical inverse of crystal clear pepsi. splooge pepsi. yuk.
pepsi has unveiled its "blue hawaii" flavor available only in japan. the antifreeze-blue concoction delivers hints of pineapple and lemon which if consumed, will make you feel as if you have sailed into a heavenly island paradise, or something.
who has time for this crap? bring back the crystal meth clear pepsi!
it's ironic that i just played five minutes to kill (yourself) 2 this afternoon over on [adult swim]. (and in case you were wondering, i was able to do it with 45 seconds to spare; after eating trash and drinking the contents of a colostomy bag in the park, i finished myself off by throwing myself into a wood chipper.not kidding, check it out HERE.) i think i could have saved myself the trouble had i just had access to a "happy" meal from McFatty's though. it could have been an instant coronary had it consisted of the following:
a monnow valley burger, medium-rare. this burger, from bompas & parr, is comprised of a hamburger patty with two slices of melted cheese, tomatoes, secret sauce and onions sandwiched inside a krispy kreme original glazed donut and garnished with a sliced gherkin. no worries though, the monnow valley burger only has 1000 calories and 45 grams of fat. it's practically diet food, and speaking of coronaries, this burger is also nicknamed the luther burger.
"would you like fries with that?" as a matter of fact, i would, as long as it's an order of these sweet potato fries covered in whipped cream and cinnamon sugar. wait, listen! can you hear me getting fatter? these happen to be a specialty at chicken charlie's, last seen at the l.a. county fair. (along with fried spam, fried artichoke hearts and fried pop tarts.) chicken charlie must live by anthony bourdain's fry-o-lator credo: "if it's smaller, slower and stupider than i am, batter it up and throw it in the fryer."
and why not wash down all of that deliciousness with one of these 2300(!?!) calorie deathheath shakes from baskin robbins? i'm pretty sure that a normal adult male should consume about 2,500 calories a day; and although this shake nearly meets that requirement, there is a bright side, the saturated fat in one shake is over 3 times the recommended daily allowance of 20 grams, which will put you on the fast track for heart disease. of course, that's if the type 2 diabetes caused by all 266 grams of that sugar doesn't get you first. this beverage is so healthy, it should take away all the guilt you feel for eating that burger and those fries.
i've done my time in corporate america. and it's because of that time in purgatory, that i know that corporate big-wigs love, and i mean L-O-V-E, writing directions out for mentally disabled monkeys, high on rubber cement, to understand. (i've also done my share of authoring those directions.) and with this knowledge, it makes me wonder how the f#ck it is possible for the geniuses at wendy's to screw up the pricing on this sign? spleeness doesn't have a price listed at all. and not once, but over and over again. or at least these three times: in the photo above, you'll see that the photo captured by her royal free frosty upgrade perhaps? doubt it. next we have the $5.99 upgrade. listen, frosty's are delicious, especially as a sauce for your fries, but no way in hell is it worth $5.99. unless perhaps that increase includes additional bacon grease, or maybe a no spit guarantee. hopefully the district manager is hanging on to the extra money to send the managers to a "how to label a sign properly" seminar. then, of course, we have the $7.69 "airline" upgrade. no doubt this upgrade involves some type of "secret sauce" and an hour delay.
so i'm not sure if you're anything like me, but being the 'off the cuff cuisine' chef that i am, i try not to let anything go to waste. you know, when you bring home some bk or mickey d's, and after consuming your poor excuse for food, have ketchup packets or sauce shots left over that you throw in the door and forget about. same goes for chinese food, and you know they always give you enough sauce to put out a fire at the pentagon with your order. you throw them in your refrigerator door and forget about them. then one day you're trying to impress some last minute guests that have decided to stay at your place for dinner and all you have in your 'gourmet' kitchen are some ramen noodles, frozen veggies and some leftover grilled chicken from last weekend's cookout. the makings of a superb, on-the-fly stirfry. but wait, OH SHIT!, how are you going to make a sauce for your stirfry with no sauce? you look in the fridge and all you see is a bottle of ketchup, french's mustard (i use the term mustard loosely when describing french's), and a jar of pickle juice. oh no, what to do, what to do. then you bust open the butter holder, that invariably has never seen a stick of butter in it's life, and VOILA! soy sauce, duck sauce, hot mustard! packets, but instant chinkychow sauce nonetheless! each one of those packets, collected over time, came from a meal, inevitably eaten over conversation, an argument or during a lone lunch of self-reflection, came from a time and place in the past. as are our lessons learned. we learn through the years how to cope, how to inspire, how to teach, and how to live. we don't always remember those lessons, as we throw condiment packets in the fridge we throw life-lessons into the back of our heads, until one day we find ourself in a situation where it becomes relevant and we pull them from the back of our minds as to not waste the advice and lessons of the past. the moral of this story, and the linking of it to my blog- our life experiences are our 'soy sauce packets,' our hidden links to our experiences of our past...
e·piph·a·ny - noun - a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. [www.dictionary.com]
the epiphanies that we experience in life, questions or situations that we find ourselves in, and don't know how to resolve, can most often be solved my raking our brains in search of a 'soy sauce packet.' an answer to a question. a solution to a problem. and so this, this blog, is simply an ever-expanding culmination of soy sauce packets in my butter box, and the epiphanies that have helped to make room for more butter in my fridge...
eleven minutes later, i got this: (to be read from the bottom up)
fast forward to 2:16pm... comcast man rolls up in my driveway, spends 40 minutes f'n with wires and such and fixes EVERYTHING.
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