Applebees Menu: A Retrospective [I Concur]

i'm not a food snob. i like some chain restaurants. i LOVE the olive garden. but nothing angers me more than the huge menu, full of a metric-fuck-ton of cross-utilized ingredients, at applebees. once you sift through the pages of creatively named crap, you're guaranteed to find something that seems delicious. but if there is one thing i know about applebees, it's that they are consistent. consistently half-assed and tasteless. and the last three times i've been there i've enjoyed my meal on a dirty, over sized plate. the funniest thing about applebees to me, is that i applied to work there when i was moving to north carolina, and they told me that i wasn't experienced enough. i have two college degrees, i ran the beverage department in an atlantic city casino, but i don't have the "experience" to work at applebees. long live mediocrity!

I had the moderate misfortune of being in Auburn, WA a couple of months back to film at a Maroon 5/ Counting Crows show. In pursuit of non-fast food, we ended up at Applebees. Allow me to guide you through the menu.
Perhaps you’d like to start with the Nachos, complete with queso cheese. “Queso” means “cheese” in Spanish. I’d suggest adding some poulet chicken and perhaps some pomodoro tomatoes.
Follow it up with this delicious “pizza”. We did; the waitress said it was just to die for. I assume she meant from clogged arteries. The “thin crust” was actually a tortilla. It was piled with enough cheese to tranquillize a horse. Also, it’s worth pointing out, “creamy spinach” is spinach covered in Alfredo sauce. A more accurate description of this item would be “Open Faced Quesadilla with Queso Cheese”.

You’ll notice that substitutions are OK to make. I’d suggest substituting a pizza.
If that doesn’t suit your taste, may I suggest the steak? It’s particularly delicious served with tiger prawns on a bed of semen.
Unfortunately, the chicken isn’t available with semen, although I’d venture to say that the vomit glaze is a suitable substitute.
If you’re not quite full yet, hows about a nice plate of Chicken Fried Chicken. At Applebees, they don’t pull any funny business and fry their chickens like anything else, they fry their chickens like chickens. Anything different would just be silly.
Is it just me, or is their debate about whether the term “oriental” is racist? What did they call it in the 70’s?
I’m not sure what to say about this meal. Steak quesadilla towers, mini bacon cheeseburgers, and boneless buffalo wings. I think it might be capable of murder.

Other than the food, we had a delightful time."

[via jaygrandin]