Obama Seeks New Commerce Secretary on Craigslist

Frustrated in his attempts to find someone willing to be Commerce Secretary, President Barack Obama today turned to Craigslist, the popular online classifieds site.

"The position of Commerce Secretary is too important to remain unfilled another day," Mr. Obama said. "That's why it is absolutely essential that this Craigslist thing work."

The President's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.

But hours later, Mr. Hurtstein did an about-face, withdrawing his name from consideration with the following terse statement: "At first I was like, that would be awesome, but I didn't realize I would have to move."

For his part, Mr. Obama said he would continue his search on Craigslist, adding, "While I have not yet found a Commerce Secretary there I did just find a great pair of skis."

[via borowitzreport]

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Starbucks Eliminates Coffee, Cups, Stir-thingies...

Latest Cost-Cutting Measures.

In its latest cost-cutting moves designed to improve its bottom line, Starbucks announced today that it would no longer offer coffee, cups, or stir-thingies beginning February 1.

In an official statement, company spokesman Carol Foyler said that Starbucks "wrestled long and hard" with the decision to eliminate the three items, "especially coffee."

"We are aware that many of our customers have come to Starbucks in the past looking for a cup of coffee," Ms. Foyler said. "We hope, however, that they will continue to come even though we no longer offer coffee or cups, for that matter."

She said that she did not think that Starbucks customers would be disappointed by the absence of stir-thingies, adding, "Since we're also eliminating sugar, Equal, and half-and-half, there's really nothing to stir."

When asked what Starbucks hoped would attract customers to their stores in the future, Ms. Foyler said, "We hope customers will see our stores as a place for the unemployed and/or homeless to come out of the cold and warm themselves over a scalding hot cup of water, as long as they bring the cup."

Elsewhere, House Minority Leader John Boehner explained House Republicans' opposition to President Obama's economic stimulus package: "We're ginormous assholes."

[via borowitzreport]

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Bush Repeals English Language:

Last Official Act as President

In what he hoped would be the capstone to his eight years as President, George W. Bush today signed an executive order repealing the English language.

Scrawling his name on the official document, Mr. Bush said that in abolishing English he had vanquished his "greaterest enemy."

For Mr. Bush, the executive order represents the realization of a longstanding dream that began in 2001 when he declared an official War on Grammar.

The President followed up that declaration of war in 2003 when he signed an executive order cancelling the agreement between nouns and verbs.

Mr. Bush's decision to repeal the English language could complicate matters for his successor, President-elect Barack Obama, who is scheduled to deliver his inaugural address tomorrow, presumably in English.

But thoughts of Mr. Obama seemed far away during today's jubilant Oval Office ceremony, which Mr. Bush summed up in four words: "I can has legacy."

Mr. Bush's executive offer also drew high praise from a fellow Republican, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska: "Being that the English language can and has been used in confusing and also too in harming ordinary Americans, knowing that it no longer can or will be used in doing that is something positive that this is doing also."

[via borowitzreport]

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Obama Poised To Become Most Ass-kissed President In History

Suckage Reaching New Heights, Historians Say

When he is inaugurated on January 20, President-elect Barack Obama is on track to become the most ass-kissed president in the nation's history, some historians believe.

Those experts say that with conservative pundits and evangelists scurrying to hop aboard the Obama bandwagon, in addition to the liberal talking heads who have been kissing his ass for months, the President-elect's buttocks are being sucked to a degree that is without precedent.

"Abraham Lincoln is perhaps our country's greatest president," says Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted historian and author of the bestselling Team of Rivals, "but he never had his fanny kissed like this."

At MSNBC, a top executive announced today that the news network would suspend its regular programming between now and the Inauguration "to administer one long, glorious blowjob to President-elect Barack Obama."

The network's new promos reflect this agenda, as a disembodied voice asks the viewer, "Do you remember the moment when you fell in love with Barack Obama?"

At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect's buttal region.

"You people never kissed my hiney like you're kissing his, and you know it," Mr. Bush said. "As far as I'm concerned, you bastards can all go to hell."

Mr. Bush later struck an elegiac note, saying that he was considering several options for his retirement, including a return to full-time drinking.

[via borowitzreport]

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Dipshit Palin Offers Thankfulnesses:

Alaska Governor Marks Thanksgiving

In order to celebrate Thanksgiving, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued what she called "my list of thankfulnesses":

The first thankfulness being that I'm thankful for this turkey, and also too for the metal funnel thingy that cut the turkey's head clean off while it was flapping its wings trying to get out and all. That was fun.

The next thankfulness being that I'm thankful that Levi is going to marry our Bristol, and I'm hoping also that we'll know soon what his location is.

Another thankfulness too being that I'm thankful for Sen. Ted Stevens, because compared to what he did and all it doesn't seem like a big deal if you tried to get some dumb old trooper fired.

My next thankfulness being I have thankfulness for our President-elect Barack Obama, and proudness, too, even though he probably is spending Thanksgiving palling around with Bill Ayres and Osama bin Laden and the Unabomber also.

A darned important thankfulness being I'm sure thankful that when the lawyers from the RNC came to take back all of that clothing they didn't check under Piper's bed. Good job, Piper!

And my last thankfulness, which I saved for last because it is the most important thankfulness, would be the turkey again also. I'm thankful that God created turkeys with so many tiny little bones in them and also too I hope Katie Couric chokes on one.

[via borowitzreport]

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World Series Cancelled for Lack of Interest - Phillies Led, Something to Something.

In an unprecedented move, Major League Baseball cancelled the 2008 World Series today, citing "overwhelming lack of interest."

This year's contest, featuring the Philadelphia Phillies and some other team, will be the first-ever World Series to be yanked before completion, but in the words of one baseball executive, "We're fairly sure no one will notice."

The decision to pull the plug on the Series came last night after the fifth game of the contest was rain-delayed and suspended with the score standing at something to something.

Some guys were on base and another guy was pitching when the rains came, but no one in the stadium showed a flicker of interest in the outcome.

"Enough already," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "Let's put this thing out of its misery."

At Fox Broadcasting, executives were reportedly "deliriously happy" about the cancellation of the low-rated Series and immediately announced plans to replace it with reruns of "Family Guy" and "House."

In Philadelphia, slugger Ryan Howard was philosophical about the decision to pull the Series: "I wasn't really following it - who was ahead, anyway?"

[via borowitzreport]

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The Most Ironic Speech to Date [Old White Men with White Hair]

In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."

"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience in Dayton, Ohio. "It's time to send a message to those in power - those Republicans in Washington, those old white men with their combed-over white hair."

Sen. McCain went on to attack the power elite on Wall Street, calling them "wealthy plutocrats with private jets and too many houses to keep track of."

"The time has come to say enough is enough to those rich old white men," he said. "And the same goes to their zombie-like trophy wives who plaster their makeup on like trollops."

Responding to the nation's economic turmoil, Sen. McCain said that as President he would create millions of jobs "by putting Americans to work making negative ads."

"We no longer lead the world in manufacturing cars, steel, or computers," Sen. McCain said. "But our negative ad industry is second to none."

In other economic news, President Bush announced another massive bailout today, saying that he had completed a deal for China to buy the United States in its entirety.

"This was a difficult deal to pull off," Mr. Bush acknowledged. "The hard part was identifying the parts of the U.S. that China didn't already own."

[borowitz report]
[photo: jill greenberg]

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Sarah & the Magic 8 Ball...

...three lame answers to eighty questions.

"GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for helping her come up with answers to "some darn tricky questions."

"Charlie brought his A-game, that's for darn sure," Gov. Palin said after her interview. "That's why it's a good thing I had my Magic 8-Ball with me."

During the interview broadcast on ABC, the Alaska governor was seen shaking her Magic 8-Ball after each question before responding to Mr. Gibson.

All in all, Gov. Palin responded to over eighty of the ABC newsman's questions with only three answers, believed to be a record for a nationally broadcast interview with a major political figure.

"Terrorists are hell-bent on destroying us," Gov. Palin said no fewer than nineteen times.

"I believe that America must do what we can to be strong," she said fifteen times.

"Reply hazy - try again," she said nine times.

Occasionally, she attempted an adlib, usually the word "Charlie," which she used over one thousand times.

All in all, Gov. Palin said she was "pleased as punch" by her performance, despite having told Mr. Gibson that the United States should invade Russia.

When asked by reporters where she got her answer to the Russia question, Gov. Palin replied, "My Magic 8-Ball got stuck on that one, so I asked God."

On the campaign trail, GOP presidential nominee John McCain said he was "thrilled" with Gov, Palin's performance, adding that she would be shipped to Alaska and frozen in a block of ice for the remainder of the campaign."

[andy borowitz for the borowitz report]

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