Showing posts with label headlines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label headlines. Show all posts
Does The 'Treat' Make Them Less Of A Swindler?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Read more...
Call Mr. Webster, It's Time To Make A Donation To His Dictionary...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Fuckeduplets.
noun, plural: multiple babies born to a single, unemployed looney tune of a mother.
[via slog]
Because the Story About the 13 Year Old Daddy Wasn't Disturbing Enough, Now There's a 16 Year Old Saying He's the "Baby Daddy" [Time to Call Maury]
Sunday, February 15, 2009
so i find this situation to be pretty disturbing, but this story from the sun has some seriously potent quotables.
The shy lad, whose voice has not yet broken, said: "I thought it would be good to have a baby. I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”
We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”
Other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things, like they have slept with Chantelle too," Patten says, "But I am the only boyfriend she has had and we've been together for two years, so I must be the dad. When she found out she was having a baby, I asked her 'Am I the dad?' and she went 'Yeah' so I believe her. I didn't know about DNA tests before, but Mum explained it's when they do a swab in your mouth and it tells you if you're the dad. So, if I have that, they can all shut up."
[sperm is getting weirder... via slog]
[baby-faced boy alfie... via thesun]
[alfie patten to take... via jezebel]
On Octomom...
Saturday, February 14, 2009
But then you have the Duggars, who equally sicken me..." --molls' mom on 'octomom'
Obama Seeks New Commerce Secretary on Craigslist
Friday, February 13, 2009
Frustrated in his attempts to find someone willing to be Commerce Secretary, President Barack Obama today turned to Craigslist, the popular online classifieds site.
"The position of Commerce Secretary is too important to remain unfilled another day," Mr. Obama said. "That's why it is absolutely essential that this Craigslist thing work."
The President's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.
But hours later, Mr. Hurtstein did an about-face, withdrawing his name from consideration with the following terse statement: "At first I was like, that would be awesome, but I didn't realize I would have to move."
For his part, Mr. Obama said he would continue his search on Craigslist, adding, "While I have not yet found a Commerce Secretary there I did just find a great pair of skis."
[via borowitzreport]
A Letter I'd Like To See (But Won't)
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Dear America,
I take it back. I don’t apologize.
Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.
I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.
Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.
You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.
Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.
So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.
Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.
Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.
Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.
Yours,
Michael Phelps
[theagitator via slog]
Headline of the Day: "Goat detained over armed robbery"
Friday, January 23, 2009
LAGOS (Reuters) - Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.
"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.
"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.
Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa's most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.
[via reuters]
BREAKING NEWS: The Department of Karma
Monday, January 19, 2009
WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's inauguration ceremony.
White House press secretary Dana Perino said Monday that Cheney was helping to move into his new home outside Washington in McLean, Va., when he injured his back.
His doctor recommended that he needed a wheelchair for the next couple of days.
[via msnbc]
The Dream Realized.
That dream carried us all a long way.
It moved us forward.
It was a little light that nobody could keep from shining.
That dream lasted forty years and then some.
Then, as a country, we woke to find
it wasn't a dream at all.
For anyone who's ever had a dream
and anyone who's ever helped them realize it...
The Dream Realized.
BREAKING NEWS: Fire Breaks Out At Bacon Factory
**side note: when i googled the term 'flaming bacon' to try and find a picture to go along with this post, i found out that 'flaming bacon' is a term listed in the urban dictionary. it's meaning? "The act of being hammered drunk, wrapping your cock with 4 condoms, then pouring the alcohol you used on your 'Bacon' lighting it on fire then proceed to have." wow. just, wow.
[via bbc, urbandictionary] Read more...
Goose. Down. Jackets. [Potent Quotables]
Friday, January 16, 2009
Do not let people mislabel the US Air landing as a “miracle”. It was the result of education, experience, skill and competence. Not magic." --Anil Dash
It's hard not to read this image as a metaphor for the state of nation. We are in trouble, man, deep, deep trouble. But we're not sunk. Was I the only one inspired by this picture—knowing, as we do now, that everyone on that flight survived? There aren't a lot good omens out there at the moment. Let's take 'em where we can find 'em." --Dan Savage
[via claudiacatalina, gawker, slog]
3200 Feet And Climbing
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i just spent the last 20 minutes playing around on this site. i gotta tell you, i guess it's interesting, but i'll never do it for a flight that i know someone on. everytime the altitude drops a foot, it freaks me out. this is the tracker from the flight that ended up in the hudson today.
This is not what you want to see, but the pilot of this thing should get a fucking medal." --Anthony Hecht
[via flightaware]
Obama Poised To Become Most Ass-kissed President In History
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Suckage Reaching New Heights, Historians Say
When he is inaugurated on January 20, President-elect Barack Obama is on track to become the most ass-kissed president in the nation's history, some historians believe.
Those experts say that with conservative pundits and evangelists scurrying to hop aboard the Obama bandwagon, in addition to the liberal talking heads who have been kissing his ass for months, the President-elect's buttocks are being sucked to a degree that is without precedent.
"Abraham Lincoln is perhaps our country's greatest president," says Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted historian and author of the bestselling Team of Rivals, "but he never had his fanny kissed like this."
At MSNBC, a top executive announced today that the news network would suspend its regular programming between now and the Inauguration "to administer one long, glorious blowjob to President-elect Barack Obama."
The network's new promos reflect this agenda, as a disembodied voice asks the viewer, "Do you remember the moment when you fell in love with Barack Obama?"
At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect's buttal region.
"You people never kissed my hiney like you're kissing his, and you know it," Mr. Bush said. "As far as I'm concerned, you bastards can all go to hell."
Mr. Bush later struck an elegiac note, saying that he was considering several options for his retirement, including a return to full-time drinking.
[via borowitzreport]
Don't Let The Shoe Hit You On The Way Out...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
President Bush made his last surprise visit to Iraq today, and, well, the press conference in Baghdad didn't go so well.His appearance at a news conference here was interrupted by a man, apparently a journalist, who leaped to his feet and threw one shoe at the president, who ducked and narrowly missed being struck. Chaos ensued. He threw a second shoe, which also narrowly missed Mr. Bush. The man was roughly 12 feet from the lecturn in the center of two rows ofchairs, about two feet from a pool of reporters. A scrum of security agents descended on the man and wrestled him, first to the floor and then out of the ornate room where the news conference was taking place. The president was uninjured and brushed off the incident. “All I can report is it is a size 10,” he said jokingly. An Iraqi accompanying the pool of reporters said the man had shouted, “This is a farewell kiss, dog.”[via slog, imjustsayin] Read more...
NEWSFLASH: Nobody Cares About The Golden Globes
Thursday, December 11, 2008
it must have been an incredibly slow news day today. know how i know? because everyone and their mother has posted NOTHING but crap about the golden globe awards. since when does anyone give a shit about the golden globe awards? especially with all the juicy gossip out there about this blagojevich character. it's days like today that make me wish britney would shave her head again, or that andy dick would masturbate in the back of a chicken wing delivery truck (again).
Read more...Name That Goon! [Rod Blagojevich vs. Tony Soprano]
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
who (allegedly) said it? one's a trash-talking thug trying to stay one step ahead of the law, the other was played by james gandolfini. can you identify the speaker of the ten quotes below?
1. "Unless I get something real good...shit, I'll just send myself, you know what I'm saying."answers:
2. "What the fuck am I, a toxic person or something?"
3. "Log off, that "cookies" shit makes me nervous!"
4. "They're not willing to give me anything except appreciation. Fuck them."
5. "You got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be number one. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fucking thing."
6. "I've got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and I'm just not giving it up for fuckin' nothing. I'm not gonna do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there."
7. "That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down."
8. "Our recommendation is fire all those fucking people, get 'em the fuck out of there..."
9. "I could have made a larger announcement but wanted to see how they perform by the end of the year. If they don't perform, fuck 'em."
10. "Jesus Christ! The money I've been dropping in here, I could've bought a fuckin' Ferrari."
tony soprano: 2, 3, 5, 7, 10
governor blagojevich: 1, 4, 6, 8, 9
[thedailybeast via slog] Read more...
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