The Complete, Chronological, Abridged Oscars...

So I didn't get home in time to live tweet the Oscars, and after fast forwarding through them on the TiVo, I'm almost glad that I missed them... That was a painful 3 hours, but here are my much sought after observations in chronological order...

- That was the most uncomfortable Red Carpet that I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen celebrities not want to talk as much as they did not want to talk to Kathy "Charlie Horse" Ireland and Sherri "Awkward Silence" Shepherd.

- Dear ABC, Neil Patrick Harris was funnier when he was on CBS. Nice try though.

- Steve & Alec, FTW.

- Why is Zac Efron still relevant?

- Inglourious Basterds is the most overrated movie of all time.

- Miley Cyrus looked like a whore in her negligee-esque dress.

- T-Bone Burnett needs to fire his stylist and hire a tailor.

- Based on that clip of 'District 9,' that movie should have won an Oscar for biggest waste of film stock.

- Molly Ringwald looked like she was tweeking. And like she was brutally raped by Father Time.

- Can someone please let Samuel L. know that Kangol hats went out with LA Gears?

- Once again, Steve & Alec, FTW.

- Ben Stiller is increasingly unfunny.

- I love Queen Latifah, but she laughs like a truck driver with a two pack-a-day habit.

- Mo'nique. 'Nuff said.

- Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. Tonight, she looked like a horse wearing a chandelier from a funeral home.

- Kinkos just called looking for jLo, they need some of the bubblewrap back that wrapped her ginormous hips in.

- I've said it before and I'll say it again... The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers needs to get rid of the chicks. They bring down their performance.

- Fcuk 'Avatar.'

- Kathy Bates looked strangely like Ruby's left thigh.

- And finally, 10 is way too many.

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And Speaking of Baby Bumps... [L'Eggo My Pr'Eggo]

Today on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck revealed that there is a new creature who is trying desperately to store up enough strength so that it can escape her. It is called "a baby."

This will be Hasselbeck's third child, joining Grace and the one who got thrown into Gitmo for headbutting President Bush. The baby is due in August (placing its conception date somewhere between Hasselbeck's incense controversy and The View's last guest appearance by Andy Dick), as only recently did Hasselbeck become aware that her post-election vomiting was likely due to the circle of life. The baby will be named William Ayers McCartney Sheetzucacapoopoo Hasselbeck; send your gifts and donations to SarahPAC.

[via defamer]

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Bag-o-Douche

All Apologies:

In something of an exit interview, Bush tells ABC News that he "was unprepared for war" and regrets the intelligence failures that led him to invade Iraq.

He'd like to be remembered by Americans this way:

"I hope they feel that this is a guy that came, didn't sell his soul for politics, had to make some tough decisions, and did so in a principled way."

[via slog]

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...let's make it obvious. [Potent Quotables]

i guess i'm find of lame. actually, i'm pretty sure i'm lame. because you should have seen the look on my face today when i saw that bravo was having a west wing marathon. i never watched it when it was regularly on, but the lack of daytime programming, and my lack of a job, made the sight of repetitious episodes make me feel like jay leno at a chin convention. it was interesting to watch episodes of a show, from three years ago, talking about the exact issues that are shoved down our throat everyday. this statement came at the end of an episode titled '20 days in america,' an episode about martin sheen's faux re-election really helped confirm my feelings. (it's quoted directly from the script.)

"If our job teaches us anything, it's that we don't know what the next President's gonna face. And if we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives, and cares about making them better... if we choose someone to inspire us, then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things... we can't imagine yet. Instead of telling people who's the most qualified, instead of telling people who's got the better ideas, let's make it obvious."

[via twiztv]

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What a Crock of Shit.

thank you david blaine and abc, for wasting two hours of my life that i can never get back. i was hoping that the live presidential stuttering would cut into the lameness of the so called 'dive of death.' no dice.

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Fcuk You Baby!

jimmy kimmel is a douchenozzle. but this makes me laugh almost daily, so i'll just remind myself that his writers, not he, made this video. and let the laughing commence.

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The Beads of Sweat are Falling...

"At a Michigan fundraiser this weekend, Cindy McCain lashed out over the View appearance she and husband John made on Friday, in which the panelists grilled them on issues like Roe v. Wade, and those mud-slinging, dishonest ads McCain is running about Barack Obama. Cindy likened the women to vultures, saying they "picked our bones clean." She also said that The View is not an accurate representation of American opinion, saying "that's not what Americans are saying and believing." Like an heiress with 7 houses and a private plane is so in tune with what most Americans are saying and believing??? Whatever, lady."

the poor babies got grilled. god, i love to watch them sweat.

[political punch via jezebel]

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I'm Sure of It...

...there is no one in this world that i would like to punch in the uterus more than elisabeth hasselbeck. i was completely unaware that i, lil' old me, could hate someone as much as i do her.

this has been my random outburst of the day.

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Impossible...

...conversation during palin interview last night with charlie gibson, it had me rolling!

me-- "wow, he's really digging into her with these questions."

mom-- "he sure is, he's disgusted with her answers before he even asks her the questions."

charlie gibson on the tv-- "YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION. WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THE BUSH DOCTRINE?"

sarah palin-- "UHHH..."

charlie gibson-- "MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE BUSH DOCTRINE IS..."

me-- "a reporter had to explain the bush doctrine to her? there goes another nail in her coffin."

mom-- "yup, ol' charlie is fuckin' her without even touching her."

sometimes moms are like kids, they say the darnedest things.

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Sarah & the Magic 8 Ball...

...three lame answers to eighty questions.

"GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for helping her come up with answers to "some darn tricky questions."

"Charlie brought his A-game, that's for darn sure," Gov. Palin said after her interview. "That's why it's a good thing I had my Magic 8-Ball with me."

During the interview broadcast on ABC, the Alaska governor was seen shaking her Magic 8-Ball after each question before responding to Mr. Gibson.

All in all, Gov. Palin responded to over eighty of the ABC newsman's questions with only three answers, believed to be a record for a nationally broadcast interview with a major political figure.

"Terrorists are hell-bent on destroying us," Gov. Palin said no fewer than nineteen times.

"I believe that America must do what we can to be strong," she said fifteen times.

"Reply hazy - try again," she said nine times.

Occasionally, she attempted an adlib, usually the word "Charlie," which she used over one thousand times.

All in all, Gov. Palin said she was "pleased as punch" by her performance, despite having told Mr. Gibson that the United States should invade Russia.

When asked by reporters where she got her answer to the Russia question, Gov. Palin replied, "My Magic 8-Ball got stuck on that one, so I asked God."

On the campaign trail, GOP presidential nominee John McCain said he was "thrilled" with Gov, Palin's performance, adding that she would be shipped to Alaska and frozen in a block of ice for the remainder of the campaign."

[andy borowitz for the borowitz report]

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Tonight at 8:00 EST...

In Memory of my Popi, George T. Cobb.

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Honest as an Elephant Pinocchio...

...not this year at least.

here's an enjoyable, yet appalling compilation of facts that were stretched, truth wise during the primetime speeches at the republican convention last night. i would like to think that if democrats had done this, the sweet little kkk members delegates in the audience at the rnc would have burnt a few crosses on our lawns. i didn't hear of any lynchings, so you can't call it "retaliation."

from the ap:

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

god, where's jiminy cricket when you need him?

[read more HERE.]

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Doesn't John McCain Wish. ABC's Freudian Oops...

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That's a Gummi Penis I Won't Eat...

"concert candy?" is that what they call penises these days? the package also says "guitar & microphone shapes." really hannah? really? do you play a flesh colored guitar often? i'd hate to see what the "microphones" in the package look like. i guess we could look at the bright side though- at least they are teaching birth control with the "individually wrapped" pieces. you know, for "portion control."

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Wipeout, Take One...

i was ready to write this on tuesday after the show, but the combination of the pain in my stomach from laughing so hard, and the fact that i couldn't find a video of it until today, i had to postpone it until now. this new show wipeout (abc), not to be confused with i survived a japanese game show (also on abc), premiered on tuesday night. i'm pretty sure that i haven't laughed that hard since the first time i saw the e*trade baby puke during the superbowl. the hilarious john henson, formerly of talk soup on e! commentates with others. feel free to forgo the stupidity of "i survived..." but DO watch the hilarious stupidity of the american version of spike's mxc! the "big balls" are especially fun and i doubt that they will ever actually get old.

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