A Hillbilly, A DeLorean & A Diet Coke Walk Into A Laundromat...

am i the only one that feels like the minute i step through the door of a laundromat, it's like stepping through a wormhole that transports me back to 1989? i had the unfortunate opportunity (because like walmart, i DESPISE laundromats), to attend a veritable party at a backwoods launderette in milford, pennsylvania yesterday.

this particular one, besides being stuck in '89, also has an owner that is obviously obsessed with duck & masking tape, as you'll soon see in the photos i took at last night's soiree. the one thing it did have going for it was the efficiency (sarcasm implied) of the seemingly original machines ever commercially produced by westinghouse.

what would a laundromat be without a hand painted sign? it would be second class, that's what it would be.

cancel that above statement, and let me rephrase: what would a laundromat be without a colored pencil sketch of a man taking the sign literally and stripping his clothes off because his machine stopped? third world, that's what it would be. i'm just glad that none of the old, wrinkly hillbillies took to the sign the way 'the great schnazzole' in the drawing did. that would have been a redneck mess.

"sorry... no restroom," but feel free to use any of the 14 washing machines that are out of order. the masking tape has spoken.

restroom open. please don't mind the masking tape.

tape on door is pennsylvanian for "ain't working." likewise, no tape on door translates to "$5 and 2 hours to dry 2 socks on 'high.'"

emergency exit, or not. about two feet outside the door that this sign was or wasn't marking, there was a six foot tall fence. no gate. just fence. so if there's a fire, you may want to find another way out. and if you need duck tape, there's still half a roll covering the twelve inch sign. and about that "surveillance camera," yea, the wires were just chillin, not connected to anything. so feel free to hijack quarters at your convenience.

now would be a good time to hijack the quarters out of one of the 'highly efficient' dryers. either that, or go 'next door' to the 'convenience' store to get change. and by 'next door,' i mean 3 miles down the road.

in case you don't believe that the surveillance camera is real, try stealing this state-of-the-art speaker and pawning it down the street. it's apparently happened before, making it necessary to write "milford laundry" on the side. i must say that i'm surprised that there was no tape involved in the application of this speaker to the wall. (in their defense, i'm sure this speaker was state-of-the-art in 1958 when speakers were invented.)

for your convenience, this lovely 'mat provides liquid refreshments. WARNING, machine only accepts wooden nickels.

twenty wooden nickels and the push of a button, gets you a can of diet coke, that as far as i can tell coca-cola stopped labeling with that logo in 1984!?!

...and so goes the story of the laundromat/time machine. reason #2431 why living in the boonies sucks.

Read more...

The Literal Meaning of "Snot Nosed Kids."

pretty cute little kid, no?look a little closer...
change your mind? yea, me too.


[via]

Read more...

Walmart Scrooge. [Reason # 263,599,812]

Barry Goldberg decided that this was the season for giving — so he spent $1300 on $10 Walmart gift cards and stood in front of the store handing them out. Until Walmart stopped him.

Barry is an out-of-work mortgage executive who just wants to dress as Santa Claus and hand out gifts. Is there anything so terrible about that?

"The next thing I knew, they turned to me and said, ‘You have to leave the store. You can’t do this here. You’re soliciting,’” Goldberg said. “I said, ‘I’m not soliciting anything. I’m giving.’”

The out-of-work mortgage lending executive said he still has 44 gift cards left from his weekend adventure.
“They asked me, ‘Well, where did you get these cards?’” he said. “’I bought them from your store 20 minutes ago.’ ‘Well, what are you doing?’ (they asked). I said, “I’m giving out gift cards. It’s the holidays. The right thing to do is to give, isn’t it?’”
In a statement to Eyewitness News, Wal-Mart states,” While we appreciate the customer’s patronage, we understand that he was interrupting the flow of foot traffic in the store’s vestibule.”

There's a happy ending though, Target swapped his Walmart gift cards for Target ones and let him hand them out in front of their store.

reason #263,599,812 why walmart sucks and you shouldn't shop there. even at the holidays.

[via consumerist]

Read more...

If there is anything "good" about living paycheck to paycheck in this economy...

It’s learning what’s bullshit and what’s not.

There really is an art to coupon-clipping, bargain-buying, learning to make-do, realizing you don’t have to throw out your clothes for next year’s model. It’s not “fun”, and this is probably privilege talking when so many people have it so much worse. Yet this year? Kinda feels like an Allegory of the Cave for the consumer bullshit that keeps our culture together. Emperor of the Shopping Mall: clothes, you no has.

I used to mock my Depression-era Southern granny for growing her own vegetables, making everything from scratch and teaching me to sew from Wal-Mart Simplicity! patterns. Not anymore, nana, not anymore.

[verucasassault via itsbedtime]

Read more...

Reason #3,125,440...

i bought all new christmas lights. i spent three days putting them up on the house. two days later it started to rain. it still hasn't stopped. half the lights aren't working. reason #3,125,440 why you shouldn't buy ANYTHING from walmart.

Read more...

WALMART BINGO!!!

[because electa loves me]

Read more...

Did I Mention That Assholes Shop At Walmart?

A Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death early this morning during a Black Friday shopping stampede on Long Island. The man was a 34-year-old stockroom employee of the super store, who was trying to keep a bargain-crazed horde at bay. In the end they proved too strong for him.

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said Jimmy Overby, 43, a co-worker. "They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too...I literally had to fight people off my back."

A 28-year-old pregnant lady was also knocked down in the frenzy. The good news is that most people got that cheap XBox that Ricky wanted, and the "My First Sex Scandal" karaoke microphone/dildo that Amber was desperate for. So the young man didn't die in vain.

Before police shut down the store, eager shoppers streamed past emergency crews as they worked furiously to save the store clerk's life.

[via gawker]

Read more...

Buy Nothing Day [Increasingly Popular]

"are you ready to sit at home eating leftovers and watching reruns? or catching up on blogs? then celebrate buy nothing day today! it's the day when lefties around the world celebrate being broke by abstaining from capitalism for a day and feeling superior, while the rich run wild on pre-christmas sales. it's a nice thought and many of you would probably theoretically support it, but, you know... sales. this year, however, the anarchist types have an extra incentive: nobody has any money to spend anyhow!"

[adbusters via gawker]

Read more...

For Sale: 200,000-Square-Foot Box

this year, we’ve learned that nothing is too big to fail. yes, in dire economic times—and in certain circumstances—even america's favorite sweatshop shitshow, walmart, can go under. but what happens to the giant, empty buildings that the company leaves behind?

word on the street is that they become churches. or spam museums. or go-cart racetracks. who knew?

"Big-box buildings are the large, free-standing, warehouselike structures that have become dominant in the American landscape, constructed by one-stop-shopping retailers, grocers, and category-killers. Hundreds of new big-box buildings are built each year—and hundreds are vacated. Resourceful communities are finding ways to reuse these buildings, turning them into flea markets, museums, schools, even churches." [Read More]

[slate via good]

Read more...

The Great Logo/Slogan-gate Scandal of 2008.

by now, you've probably heard some of the unexpected (and frankly, misunderstood) hoopla over the changing of the pepsi logo. and now the best buy logo. and who can forget the changing of the walmart logo a few months back, making it resemble the people that work there? (assholes.)

now molls has been working on adjusting brand slogans for possible relaunch. her new take on dave & buster's had me pissing my pants.

DAVE & BUSTER'S: "Instead of staying at home on a Friday thinking about whoever your ex-boyfriend is currently fucking, go play pool with strange men who are missing teeth and remind you of that 20/20 episode that you saw about meth heads and how sometimes they sip bottles of trucker's urine they found on the side of the freeway hoping that there are enough meth remnants to get them back on that sweet, sweet high."

[via molls, dieline, freshfuel, sethgodin]

Read more...

You are Cordially Invited to View the "Classy" Wedding Photos of Beulah Maye & Billy Bob Springer...

i'm not positive, but i think these people may be my neighbors.

please allow me to begin by introducing you to the wedding party. first, the handsome groomsmen and the fine looking groom*, billy bob (in red). *note the stylish wal-mart sneaks.
red ties, black ties, no tie; mass confusion was had by the entire springer cast family.

here's how i imagine this conversation went:
"alright everyone! let's line up for the picture. let's see... hmmm... where shall we... oh yes!!! perfect! everybody, move quickly! right over there, in front of the garage! yes, that would be smashing!"

i guess a jacket at a wedding would just be too city for these folks, so "let's just pin these here boutonniere's right on these here shirts."

"bubba, put down that cigarette! i done told you once, no smoking during the ceremony, it's tacky."

next, we meet the playmate-ish bridesmaids and the blushing bride.
aren't they sexy? not everyone can pull off such a vibrant red, but i must say, move over heidi klum this group of gals is gunnin'* for your job! *the bride's preferred firearm is a 12-gauge shotgun. it's on her registry. (late gift idea!)

and finally, the cute couple.
those wal-mart flops really enhance her cankles, don't you think? too bad they didn't come in white.

another photo of the happy couple.
at least his head is somewhat proportionate... to her left boob.
what exactly is beulah trying to show us here? the bruise from where she knocked her knee on the trailer hitch? or her serious case of gout? you decide. either way, it's kind of hot. billy bob sure is lovin' it.
"oh, you're so crazy honey!"
"here baby, let me help you up over my fupa."
it's so beautiful, can't you just hear the banjo music?

minutes later, after taking that last photo, beulah and billy bob toasted their budweiser ponies and rode off into the sunset in the bed of their favorite wedding gift...
...a 1980 ford f150.

"if you can't be classy, be classic."

Read more...

Walmart Spammers Working Overtime...

well, maybe they don't actually work for the shithole that is walmart, but someone thought that i, me of all people, would fall for a fishing scam, being baited by friggin' walmart. i don't think so, but nice try.

that's a snap of the spam folder in my inbox. between 3:19 and 6:22 6:42 today i got spanked 13, wait, make that 15 times, with the same spam message about a $1000 walmart gift card.

15 times? i figured it must be serious. so i went to check it out. it turns out that it's my lucky day. i can get my $1000 shithole walmart gift card if i just follow these simple steps:

1- complete a 240(!?!?) question survey. (short answers, not multiple choice. from what i saw, most are about what type of toilet paper you prefer.)
2- complete at least 6 of the 10 sponsor offers. (the cheapest of which costs $42 to "participate" in.)
3- "follow redemption instructions." (by "redemption instructions" they mean fill out an application requiring: full name, address, phone number, drivers license number, social security number, date of birth, work address, work phone number, work email address and three personal references with addresses, phone numbers and email addresses.)

really? that's all? so let me get this straight, to get a "free" $1000 gift card, all i have to do is spend $400 on useless crap? what a fücking deal! keep fishin' you spammers, you ain't catchin' this guppy.

Read more...

Amazon Bargains That You Should Probably Pass Up...

i know that times are tough, and i'm all about being thrifty, but there are some bargains that you should probably avoid. used cars=good. used clothes=good. used sex toys=not fucking good. i found these used "bargains" on amazon. i urge you to avoid them, buy them at wal-mart if you have to.

maybe it's because i have that phobia about ear juices, but used ear buds? go ahead and spend the extra $2.00 and buy the new ones. after all, you probably saved that much buying generic "cotton swabs" instead of real q-tips.

you might be wondering why a "used pastry brush" isn't a good "bargain." here's why: they are typically used for applying greasy substances like butter or bbq sauce to food; nobody, and i mean nobody, can get them completely clean. as a matter of fact, that's probably why you're buying a new one, because your current one is so greasy that it skeeves you out. again, spend the extra $2.00 or you'll end up with botulism.

the plunger in my own bathroom grosses me out, so i certainly don't want to buy a plunger with remnants of your turd nuggets on it.

although the typically "contaminated" part is missing from these adorable panties, just the thought of strangers sharing loin juices sends shivers down my spine. then again, there's nothing typical about crotchless panties.

if i learned anything from my high school sex ed teacher ms. ballway, it's that condoms are for sissies "prevent pregnancy & the spread of sexually transmitted diseases." when i think of used condoms, i picture the tribe of duggar's sitting around their mess hall with condoms & safety pins. you know, as part of their mission for jesus, to spread the quiverfull faith. no thanks. i'll stick with cvs.

eeeeeeeeew. that's just gross.

this reminds me of a joke that i heard once, something with a punchline about buying dildos at garage sales because they are cheaper. again, gross.

i've heard "don't knock it until you try it," but no matter how i try, i can't imagine how a chain on golf balls could possibly feel good in an ass. mine or yours. and furthermore, i also can't imagine the substances found on said strand of used golf balls upon retrieval. so again dear amazon, i'll have to politely decline your booty-bead "bargains."

...i will, however, continue to use you for your free pepsi mp3 downloads. (thanks for that.)

Read more...

Who Needs Credit Cards When You've Got a Hoo-Ha?

these panties were in the "juniors" section at wal-mart.

while you can't disagree with the strict literal interpretation of the message, perhaps wal-mart should consider printing it on a wallet, rather than on panties meant for teenage girls. the whole prostitution angle is clouding the message of fiscal responsibility. but hey, that's just a suggestion.

[the consumerist]

Read more...

Hello, Dis' Be Wal-Marts...

...how CAN'T i help youse?

(be sure to imagine 'dueling banjos' playing in the background
as billy-bob picks up the phone.)
ok, so this is how i imagine this conversation went:

wal-mart employee: "hello, 'dis be wal-marts, how can i help youse?'

customer: "i would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

wal-mart employee: "what you want on the cake?"

customer: "best wishes suzanne" and underneath that "we will miss you."

thanks to the sausage queen for this one...

Read more...