Laundry FAIL

although i'm sure this tag is in a t-shirt from an über-hip thread shop like busted tees or threadless, i'm sure it wasn't meant to be noticed. and if by some chance you have no life and happen to read your t-shirt's care tag, it's placed there in hopes of putting a smile on your face, if only for one second, before you go off on some feminist rant.

this was posted on failblog this morning and has a very special meaning to me. growing up i lived in a house with two older sisters, a mom and a grandma, so it was a rare occurrence that i ever had to do my own laundry. that was, until one day after watching an episode of sally jessy raphael about chauvinist asswipes, i was STUPID enough to say out loud, presumably after being asked to put the load of wash that was in the washer into the dryer, that "LAUNDRY WAS WOMEN'S WORK." needless to say, i've been doing my own laundry since about the third grade...[photo via failblog]

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As I Cower With My Tail Between My Legs...

last august i wrote THIS post about new books that you shouldn't bother reading. included on that list was 'i hope they serve beer in hell' by tucker max.* a week later, someone sent me a copy with a post-it note on the the cover that said nothing more than, "you're going to love this!" it's been in the back of my car ever since.

two weeks ago i was in barnes & noble looking for a new book to read and asked the cute bookrista if she had any recommendations. after explaining that i enjoyed the sarcastic wit of david sedaris and augusten burroughs, but had already read all of their books, she recommended that i read tucker max. she continued, "he's like david sedaris before he quit smoking, meets an immature augusten burroughs." that, my friends, sounded good to me. so i left. and when i got home i dug the paperback out of the back of my car and started reading.

four chapters in, i realized that it had been a really long time since i had laughed that hard while reading a book. i'm still not finished with it, and it's getting even better page by page.

*[don't bother squinting to read this, it's not that important.] ok, so i was wrong. it's a good book. fuck it, it's a great book. hell, i may even go see the movie. the blow from admitting that i was wrong seems less severe if i write it in smaller font and hide it in the footnote. so that's what i'm doing.

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Today in FAIL [Mormon Sex Toys]

this is how mormons get away with buying sex toys without being judged. dildo or "E.T. finger light"? you decide.[via failblog]

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Hey Ya'll, I Just Found This Sweet Shirt On Paula Deen's Website!

www.pauladeen.com
paula and me at toast to the coast, atlantic city, 2007

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Less Than Ordinary Valentine's Day Gift Ideas: Day 3

Bachs of Chocolate

Need a highbrow treat for a symphony enthusiast? Look no further! Bachs of Chocolate are the answer. Let them close their eyes and listen to the celebrated Toccata and Fugue in D Minor while nibbling Bach’s white chocolate ear. Allow me to suggest a pairing of the Cello Suites with dark chocolate, and perhaps the Sonatas and Partitas for violin solo with milk chocolate Bach.

Please treat lightly while listening to St. Matthew Passion. I won’t be held responsible for any unexpected Bachgasms.
[via jaygrandin]

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Less Than Ordinary Valentine's Day Gift Ideas: Day 2

CocoYoko Ono

Still pissed at Yoko for ruining your life when she broke up the Beatles? Lord knows I am [*shakes fist in the air, angrily screaming "Yooooookooooo, you've won this battle but the war has just begun!*]. Well, it’s time to get back at that beeeotch. Eat her head, melt her down and pour her on strawberries [did you know that she HATES strawberries? Why do you think she broke the Beatles up? It was that Strawberry Fields Forever song... she never forgave Paul]. There’s nothing more loco than eating a coco Yoko.

This is war, Yoko! And I know how much you hate that!
to be continued...

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Less Than Ordinary Valentine's Day Gift Ideas: Day 1

Cinna Minimes

Know an Austin Powers enthusiast? Give the gift of B-level comedy (the kind everyone likes) in the form of B-level sweets. Come on, you remember Cinnamon Toast Crunch right? It was a breakfast cereal box office smash! And I know that some of you watched Gold Member and thought, “That Minime… I could just eat him.”
to be continued...

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L@@K What I Got!!! [Shout Out To Drugstore.com]

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I Totally Want One Of These To Hang From My Rearview Mirror:

thank you for being a friend-ship bracelet via molls

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I've Been Trying To Convince People Of This For Years...

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Just In Case France Didn't Already Hate Us Enough, Bush Felt The Need To Sock It To Them, One More Time.

A complete ass right until the end. Increasing import duties on Roquefort cheese? What the hell?

Less than a week before it leaves office, the Bush administration has sparked anger across the Atlantic by tripling the import duty rate on roquefort cheese to 300%, a move which the US hopes will "shut down trade" in the sheep's milk product by making it prohibitively expensive.

The decision, part of Washington's attempts to force the EU into dropping its ban on hormone-treated beef, was greeted with disbelief by the French government and by farmers in the south-western Aveyron region who depend on the industry for their livelihoods.

"Maybe the Bush administration indulged itself by taking this decision just before it leaves," Robert Glandieres, president of the roquefort producers' group, told Reuters.

The tariff on roquefort, condemned as "incomprehensible and inadmissible" by the French government, will probably have a minimal effect, given exports to the US account for just 2% of annual sales. French farmers said it would mean "the end" for roquefort in the US and vowed to take "symbolic actions" in return.

i can't wait to see what those "symbolic actions" turn out to me. more tainted milk and salmonella laden peanut butter? my best guess would be tainted 'freedom fries.'


[americablog via slog]

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"Comes With Little Rubber Claw-Shaped Gloves."

i'm pretty sure ever blog that i read posted a comment about this yesterday, but i didn't get around to reading it until just now. the fact that it's fake doesn't really matter, because the 50 or so reviews that people took the time to write on amazon are HILARIOUS. check it out over on amazon before it's too late. (LINK HERE)

1)

Wow! So much better than playing school or house for brainwashing—-I mean, acclimatizing today's tots to the realities of the Global War on Terror. I especially appreciated the enclosed signed photo of Michael Chertoff and his letter explaining how necessary it is to start educating today's youth early with toys like these, especially as their elders just don't seem to be taking the whole thing seriously, what with posting snarky reviews on Amazon and all, and it's going to take a while to get KBR's re-education camps in Nevada up and running properly. I know my little four year-old grandson was really impressed with this set. He's now so scared it's undone a whole year of potty training and he's now wetting his pants about five times a day.

2)

I've heard that they were going to publish a coupon and code, to allow us to buy this for $9.11, they're just waiting for the economy to drop a little more then it currently is. Its a marketing thing I know... In addition they plan on offering a collectors version that will have the metal detector painted GOLD, though they'll have to use lead based paint because its cost effective. I love toys :-)

3)

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.
The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillance society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillance System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interrogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).

[amazon via slog]

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F You, Blistex.

i've spent the last month searching for a tube of chapstick in every store that i enter. not just any chapstick though, my favorite chapstick. i even wrote about it over on i'm like oprah. blistex clear advance. according to the lovely makers of blistex, it still exists, but lie to me they have as i have searched every store from new jersey to virginia that i have been in over the last month. i've even gone as far as asking friends in otehr parts of the country to see if they could find it for me. arizona? no. seattle? nope. san francisco? no sir. it's nowhere to be found. and just as i put it out of my mind, the folks at peeve pile had to go and bring it up again today:

Discontinuation of relied-upon cosmetic products
"...there ought to be some sort of due process clause written into the US Constitution or one of the Int'l Human Rights Conventions requiring that cosmetic companies provide notice-and-comment proceedings and hearings to the public before removing a product from the shelves."

and to make things even worse, i'm beginning to think that someone is tapping into my brainwaves, because everytime i think about something that annoys me, the next day it ends up on the pile. perfect examples can be found HERE, HERE and HERE.

[via peevepile]

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10 Items or Less.

i read gawker and defamer and slog, and always get a kick out of the industry news surrounding new movies. it makes me laugh that these big movie studios only pour ridiculous amounts of money into the movies that they want to do well. shouldn't they want any movie with their name on it to be a success? i would think so. those cock knockers the weinstein brothers are a perfect example. and what do they have to show for themselves these days? nada.

on the other hand, i find that the more the hype a movie gets, the more likely i am to hate it. the only two exceptions that i can recall from 2008 were the dark knight (which was a very last minute choice, and although i'm not a fan of the comic book franchises, i thoroughly enjoyed this one) and that new benjamin buttons movie. i'd much rather go see a movie that the critics say sucks, because i usually end up enjoying them. i.e. stop loss.

so if hype means i'll hate it, and bad reviews means i'll love it, then it would most definitely be true that if i've never heard of it in my life, because the gawker shlubbs were to busy to write anything about it, then i'll most likely, absolutely love it. which is true for this movie, 10 items or less, that i watched on starz ondemand the other night. morgan freeman. jonah hill. the little indian man that played the janitor in the terminal. independent. low budget. most likely, very low budget. but a cinematic gem that i, a seldom promoter of films, encourage you to watch. or even buy.

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Today in Bacon: [$0.02 Bacon]

How to Get Bacon for $0.02:

Apparently bacon by the pound is relatively cheap from the self-serve bar at Whole Foods.

1) go to whole foods before 9 am or so

2) enter the establishment

3) walk towards the serve yourself hot food bar

4) try not to get caught staring at the hot moms and fresh-faced co-ed cashiers

(step 4 is applicable only to men and lesbians.)

5) find the little cardboard boxes

6) find the bacon

7) put 7 or 8 strips of bacon in the box. this should be more than enough to satisfy even the most pork grease-addicted lardass

8) look for the most alluring cashier

9) have this cashier weigh the box and ring you up

10) pick your jaw up off the floor as your Grand Bacon Total is calculated at...less than 20 cents!

11) get in your car, take off your shoes, loosen your belt, turn up the radio, and munch that bacon as you drive to the unemployment office to apply for benefits

economical, atkins-friendly and tasty.

[simonmetz via baconbaconbacon]

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This Sh*t Should Be Illegal:

much like tastycakes, i don't feel like people outside of new jersey appreciate theraflu like they should. screw dayquil and walmartquil, and don't bother with equate-aflu. theraflu is indeed the shit.

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StuffWhitePeopleLike + FatAmericanTV = Kiva [PSA]

stuff white people like has been on my google reader since the day i started reading blogs. it started like most successful blogs- as a human with a passion, a sense of humor, and a computer. its authors, christian lander & myles valentin, have seen their success grow to new heights in recent months with the publication of stuff white people like: the book, available HERE on amazon.

their continued success has lead them to design a t-shirt based on entries from their blog. they've teamed up with fat american to offer the sale of the new shirt, and a few weeks ago, christian asked for his readers to recommend a non-profit organization to receive the profits from the sale of the shirt. i, as well as several others i'm sure, recommended kiva microfunds to be the recipient of the profits from the stuff white people like t-shirt. of the over 500 non-profits that were sent in, christian & myles have chosen 11 to be voted on by the readers of their blog, and kiva.org has made the list!

kiva is an organization that allows people to lend money via the internet to micro-finance institutions in developing countries which in turn lend the money to small businesses. it is a non-profit organization based in san francisco that is supported by donations from its users and through partnerships with businesses and other institutions. kiva captures the entrepreneurial spirit of muhammad yunus, the bangladeshi banker and economist that singlehandedly introduced the idea of micro-loans to the modern world.

NOW, I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP TO HELP KIVA. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IT GO HERE AND VOTE FOR 'KIVA.org.'





read more about kiva microfunds HERE, at www.kiva.org

buy a shirt HERE, from www.fatamerican.tv

add stuff white people like to your your blog reader HERE

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Today in Bacon: [Merry Christmas to Me]

bacon scarf, a gift for me.

“Red and white scarf resembling marbled fat. The scarf is 7” by 57”. It is soft and light weight. Made of 100% Acrylic. On the scarf’s reverse side, the colors are inverted making it a leaner cut of bacon.”

i was sold on the description alone.

available at shopsin's general store.

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M.C. X-Mas [Keepin' the Christ in Christmas]

[via toomuchawesome]

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Walmart Scrooge. [Reason # 263,599,812]

Barry Goldberg decided that this was the season for giving — so he spent $1300 on $10 Walmart gift cards and stood in front of the store handing them out. Until Walmart stopped him.

Barry is an out-of-work mortgage executive who just wants to dress as Santa Claus and hand out gifts. Is there anything so terrible about that?

"The next thing I knew, they turned to me and said, ‘You have to leave the store. You can’t do this here. You’re soliciting,’” Goldberg said. “I said, ‘I’m not soliciting anything. I’m giving.’”

The out-of-work mortgage lending executive said he still has 44 gift cards left from his weekend adventure.
“They asked me, ‘Well, where did you get these cards?’” he said. “’I bought them from your store 20 minutes ago.’ ‘Well, what are you doing?’ (they asked). I said, “I’m giving out gift cards. It’s the holidays. The right thing to do is to give, isn’t it?’”
In a statement to Eyewitness News, Wal-Mart states,” While we appreciate the customer’s patronage, we understand that he was interrupting the flow of foot traffic in the store’s vestibule.”

There's a happy ending though, Target swapped his Walmart gift cards for Target ones and let him hand them out in front of their store.

reason #263,599,812 why walmart sucks and you shouldn't shop there. even at the holidays.

[via consumerist]

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