The NEW isweatbutter.com
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Check it out HERE.
Read more...if you've got nothing nice to say, then come sit by me.
Halloween costume parties are my favorite parties of the year, because I am a pragmatist. The entire point of a party is to talk to new people, always an awkward endeavor. But on Halloween, the task becomes much easier; everyone is wearing a conversation piece. Of course, if you are already in a relationship, you don't have to bother yourself with such elaborate schemes. You can go as a "crappy t-shirt owner" and you've still got someone to go home with when the evening is over. Or just ditch the party altogether and rent a horror flick and eat pumpkin pie. Here's a Halloween-themed activity, why don't you just go to Hell?
For the rest of us, I present nine easy steps to the perfect Halloween costume:
[9] High concept but not immediately evident: If you are a robot, and you look like a robot, there's really not much to talk about. "Robot, eh?" "Yup. I'm a robot. Meep-Boink." "Bye." The ideal costume creates a sense of mystery. The more convoluted the costume, the longer the conversation. The desire to know what you are supposed to be should be strong enough to overcome the great void that separates all people. Why not try some eyeliner?
[8] Be extremely good looking: A few years ago, I had the perfect costume: a mirror. People asked me what I was, and I'd just tell them what they were. Get it? It was witty, fun, easy to make (Ingredients: one mirror) and led straight into great conversation. Plus it attracted all the vain and self-absorbed people, who are, by their very nature, more cool. But the costume revealed its limitations five minutes later, when my brand new friends were stolen away by two gorgeous German men wearing Hefty Cinch Sacks. "It is, how you say... postmodern." That was the night I learned that in order to attract people at Halloween parties, you should be extremely good looking.
[7] Don't wear a mask: Wear some antenna or a funny hat. Put on some makeup if you must. But never wear a costume that includes a mask. There's a saying "the face is the window to the soul." It's also the part of your body you use for such party-related essentials as drinking, talking and vomiting. Don't cover it up. (If you aren’t extremely good looking then go ahead, wear a mask.)
[6] No Cowboys: All the other lame dudes at the party will be dressed as cowboys, just like they did every year since they were eight. Even the most slaved-over, handmade, authentic down-home cowboy costume is lame. Don't do it.
[5] Prostitutes are okay: The prostitute costume is just as hackneyed and lame as the cowboy costume. Nevertheless, it's somehow fine by me, ladies.
[4] Your costume should work with you, not against you: You may have labored for hours to create the perfect facsimile of the Kool Aid Man and, when partygoers are chanting, "Hey, Kool Aid" ad nauseam you'll think you're the life of the party. For a time. But fast forward three hours and you're bumping into walls, completely incapable of drinking or urinating and sweating like a pig in a prison of your own design. Remember, "kool" as he may be, the Kool Aid Man never gets laid.**
[3] No Ghosts: Every year, millions of Americans think they have an easy solution to the costume party dilemma; they throw a white sheet over their head, cut out some eye holes and... Bingo, they're a ghost. DON'T DO IT. People go to parties to have fun, not to be terrified out of their goddamn minds. Ghosts are some serious shit. They're fucking scary and you could seriously give someone a heart attack. It just isn’t worth the risk.
[2] Be cool: Just because you dressed like a pirate doesn't mean you have to say things like "Get me an ale, me matey, or ye be walkin' the plank." If you do, no one will like you. Don't act like your costume. Just be cool.
[1] No backwards baseball caps: This is sound advice 365 days a year.
** This is doubly true of Mayor McCheese & Giant Boxes of Wine. (Trust me, I know.)
There you go, it's just that simple.
[.]
{Originally Posted on 10/30/08 on isweatbutter.com} ...at least that's how we used to judge houses. it's funny how twelve months would go by, in a neighborhood that you're only in once a year, yet you remember the houses with the sweetest scores. likewise, we always remembered the pennies and raisins houses. they'd get a visit from us the following mischief night. (because that'll teach 'em.)
ME: NEVER go camping with a chick who's menstruating. Bears can smell it. You'll get mauled.Read more...
NJ: Danke. How you doin?
ME: Grand. WTF have you been up to? Working like a Guatamalan dishwasher?
NJ: More like a Peruvian one, but all the same. I've been good. Searching for the meaning of life and going to lots of sporting events.
ME: Perhaps you'll find the meaning of life in the parking lot at the Meadowlands. Big things happen there.
NJ: Yea, like flea markets.
ME: And killer ferris wheels.
NJ: That's it! I will sell miniature killer ferris wheels at a local flea market next weekend!
ME: I'm glad I could help.
i don't fit the mold.
i also don't wear a size small t-shirt.
and lord knows, i have no filter.
mtv just announced the final two tj candidates.
i had high hopes after seeing the profiles of the first 18 that they announced; i could out-tweet all of them with no thumbs & a blackberry, all while giving pre-surgery star jones a piggyback ride...
instead, they chose a lesbian that looks like justin bieber and a boricua that's addicted to the hills.
in any case, THANK YOU for all of your nominations via twitter and facebook.
and for constantly harassing the @mtvtj twitter account with every reason you could think of as to why they should pick me.
let's face it, mtv's just not ready for this jelly...
My Facebook Status This Morning:
I'm trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.And The Comment Of The Year Award Goes To:
Just tell them you need to "relocate" them to a picnic table on the other side of the lake, "temporarily." Then let them operate slot machines and sell tax free cigarettes from their new picnic table!Read more...
After a childish spat with my other half the other night, I found myself sunken in a germ ridden chair at my local Barnes & Noble. Although I was attempting to knock out a few chapters of 'Medium Raw,' I found it difficult due to my close proximity to the cafe's seating area. Hipster after hipster sat next to me to slurp down their $8 latte-chino-machiatos. And all I could do was eavesdrop. It was as if a complete stranger wasn't sitting two feet away from them, tweeting their every word...
The following is the fruit of my eavesdropping endeavors. All of which I was tweeting, as it happened, with the hashtag #OverheardAtBarnesAndNoble:
"His penis was like a stale banana." -60ish year old woman to her much younger friend
"I'm tired of predominantly black men walking around with their asses hanging out. I don't want to see your ass unless I'm crawling into bed with it." -Same 60ish year old lady to her now obviously bored friend
"I don't know what's worse, that she has her 'poosy' pierced or that she's wearing capri pants." -Bored friend talking about another "friend" in the cafe line
"He makes his life harder because he can't keep it in his pants." -60ish year old lady talking about her son
"Whatever, I'm sure John Mayer has gotten way more girls than The Situation has." -Debate Team Captain
"There's a girl in my Chinese class named 'Young,' but it's spelled D-U-N-G. She's Asian." -Captain Obvious
"Why does gas cost $2.47 9/10 per gallon? Are we supposed to carry around pieces of pennies?" -Dipshit in B&N
"What's Lupus?" "Lupus is an auto-immune disease. You would know that if you watched House." -MD Candidate, 2012
"I'm judging Cameron Diaz for being in that movie with Tom Cruise. He's a tool."
"I like 'Sarah, Plain & Tall." "You would."
"It's not called Chat Roulette, it's called Chat Roolay."
"I prefer Jumpers to Rompers."
"I've never had to use lube in my life. I'm just naturally wet. It's more comfortable. You should be jealous."
"I have this eerie feeling that there's someone watching me and licking their lips."
Are you in church? You better not be texting me from church. I've already got a one-way ticket to Hell, I don't need you getting my ticket upgraded to First Class." -Me via Text Message at 11am
My Personal Friend, Ed Baker, is competing with a team of coworkers in The Cuervo Games in Tempe, Arizona. In order for his team to make it to the competition, they must rack up votes on Facebook. Ed and his team are pledging to raise $10 for each vote cast, to go to The Tempe Community Action Agency**, if their team gets enough votes to compete.
It won't cost you a dime and will only take a minute of your time to VOTE.
Thanks!
**The Tempe Community Action Agency is a Non-Profit Organization based in Tempe, Arizona that provides Emergency Assistance to Children, Families & the Elderly.
I just had this highly amusing conversation via text message with my Madonna-loving, fashionista-friend, Jill; Who spent her morning at the one, the only, New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicle (or whatever it is that they call it these days).
J: I think everyone who works at the New Jersey MVA jumped directly out of the 80s.
Me: WTF is the MVA? The DMV?
J: Yea, that's what they call it now.
Me: Well, from what I heard, it's still 1989 in the DMV. There's a HUGE line to get into the new millennium. Take a number and have a seat.
J: This woman helping me has on a jean jacket with multi-colored velvet pieces sewn on it and high waisted acid-washed jeans with huge zippers. Oh, and a BIGASS velvet BOW in her hair. Is she for real?
Me: I don't know, that sounds pretty hot to me.
J: I tried to take a picture for you but the tiny Asian kid behind me, trying to get his permit, was on to me.
"BALLET: The preferred dance of preteen girls, gay dudes & rich white people." -Jimmy Fallon
So I didn't get home in time to live tweet the Oscars, and after fast forwarding through them on the TiVo, I'm almost glad that I missed them... That was a painful 3 hours, but here are my much sought after observations in chronological order...
- That was the most uncomfortable Red Carpet that I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen celebrities not want to talk as much as they did not want to talk to Kathy "Charlie Horse" Ireland and Sherri "Awkward Silence" Shepherd.
- Dear ABC, Neil Patrick Harris was funnier when he was on CBS. Nice try though.
- Steve & Alec, FTW.
- Why is Zac Efron still relevant?
- Inglourious Basterds is the most overrated movie of all time.
- Miley Cyrus looked like a whore in her negligee-esque dress.
- T-Bone Burnett needs to fire his stylist and hire a tailor.
- Based on that clip of 'District 9,' that movie should have won an Oscar for biggest waste of film stock.
- Molly Ringwald looked like she was tweeking. And like she was brutally raped by Father Time.
- Can someone please let Samuel L. know that Kangol hats went out with LA Gears?
- Once again, Steve & Alec, FTW.
- Ben Stiller is increasingly unfunny.
- I love Queen Latifah, but she laughs like a truck driver with a two pack-a-day habit.
- Mo'nique. 'Nuff said.
- Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. Tonight, she looked like a horse wearing a chandelier from a funeral home.
- Kinkos just called looking for jLo, they need some of the bubblewrap back that wrapped her ginormous hips in.
- I've said it before and I'll say it again... The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers needs to get rid of the chicks. They bring down their performance.
- Fcuk 'Avatar.'
- Kathy Bates looked strangely like Ruby's left thigh.
- And finally, 10 is way too many.
© Blogger template On The Road by Ourblogtemplates.com 2009
Back to TOP