Overheard at Barnes & Noble...

After a childish spat with my other half the other night, I found myself sunken in a germ ridden chair at my local Barnes & Noble. Although I was attempting to knock out a few chapters of 'Medium Raw,' I found it difficult due to my close proximity to the cafe's seating area. Hipster after hipster sat next to me to slurp down their $8 latte-chino-machiatos. And all I could do was eavesdrop. It was as if a complete stranger wasn't sitting two feet away from them, tweeting their every word...

The following is the fruit of my eavesdropping endeavors. All of which I was tweeting, as it happened, with the hashtag #OverheardAtBarnesAndNoble:

"His penis was like a stale banana." -60ish year old woman to her much younger friend

"I'm tired of predominantly black men walking around with their asses hanging out. I don't want to see your ass unless I'm crawling into bed with it." -Same 60ish year old lady to her now obviously bored friend

"I don't know what's worse, that she has her 'poosy' pierced or that she's wearing capri pants." -Bored friend talking about another "friend" in the cafe line

"He makes his life harder because he can't keep it in his pants." -60ish year old lady talking about her son

At this point, the oldies left and a trio of blonde college tarts sat down to flip through their CosmoGirl Mags and sip their skinny lattes...

"Whatever, I'm sure John Mayer has gotten way more girls than The Situation has." -Debate Team Captain

"There's a girl in my Chinese class named 'Young,' but it's spelled D-U-N-G. She's Asian." -Captain Obvious

"Why does gas cost $2.47 9/10 per gallon? Are we supposed to carry around pieces of pennies?" -Dipshit in B&N

"What's Lupus?" "Lupus is an auto-immune disease. You would know that if you watched House." -MD Candidate, 2012

"I'm judging Cameron Diaz for being in that movie with Tom Cruise. He's a tool."

"I like 'Sarah, Plain & Tall." "You would."

"It's not called Chat Roulette, it's called Chat Roolay."

"I prefer Jumpers to Rompers."

Next came the pair of Yuppie Moms with their jogging strollers and Volvo keys...

"I've never had to use lube in my life. I'm just naturally wet. It's more comfortable. You should be jealous."

"I have this eerie feeling that there's someone watching me and licking their lips."

And with that, I left.

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As I Cower With My Tail Between My Legs...

last august i wrote THIS post about new books that you shouldn't bother reading. included on that list was 'i hope they serve beer in hell' by tucker max.* a week later, someone sent me a copy with a post-it note on the the cover that said nothing more than, "you're going to love this!" it's been in the back of my car ever since.

two weeks ago i was in barnes & noble looking for a new book to read and asked the cute bookrista if she had any recommendations. after explaining that i enjoyed the sarcastic wit of david sedaris and augusten burroughs, but had already read all of their books, she recommended that i read tucker max. she continued, "he's like david sedaris before he quit smoking, meets an immature augusten burroughs." that, my friends, sounded good to me. so i left. and when i got home i dug the paperback out of the back of my car and started reading.

four chapters in, i realized that it had been a really long time since i had laughed that hard while reading a book. i'm still not finished with it, and it's getting even better page by page.

*[don't bother squinting to read this, it's not that important.] ok, so i was wrong. it's a good book. fuck it, it's a great book. hell, i may even go see the movie. the blow from admitting that i was wrong seems less severe if i write it in smaller font and hide it in the footnote. so that's what i'm doing.

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StuffWhitePeopleLike + FatAmericanTV = Kiva [PSA]

stuff white people like has been on my google reader since the day i started reading blogs. it started like most successful blogs- as a human with a passion, a sense of humor, and a computer. its authors, christian lander & myles valentin, have seen their success grow to new heights in recent months with the publication of stuff white people like: the book, available HERE on amazon.

their continued success has lead them to design a t-shirt based on entries from their blog. they've teamed up with fat american to offer the sale of the new shirt, and a few weeks ago, christian asked for his readers to recommend a non-profit organization to receive the profits from the sale of the shirt. i, as well as several others i'm sure, recommended kiva microfunds to be the recipient of the profits from the stuff white people like t-shirt. of the over 500 non-profits that were sent in, christian & myles have chosen 11 to be voted on by the readers of their blog, and kiva.org has made the list!

kiva is an organization that allows people to lend money via the internet to micro-finance institutions in developing countries which in turn lend the money to small businesses. it is a non-profit organization based in san francisco that is supported by donations from its users and through partnerships with businesses and other institutions. kiva captures the entrepreneurial spirit of muhammad yunus, the bangladeshi banker and economist that singlehandedly introduced the idea of micro-loans to the modern world.

NOW, I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP TO HELP KIVA. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IT GO HERE AND VOTE FOR 'KIVA.org.'





read more about kiva microfunds HERE, at www.kiva.org

buy a shirt HERE, from www.fatamerican.tv

add stuff white people like to your your blog reader HERE

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Two Out of Twelve Ain't Bad.

Did you know that December is National Buy a Book by a Black Author and Give it to Somebody Not Black Month? Welcome White Folks says it is, and what the hell, I'll believe them.

Oh, one other thing, white people already know about Toni Morrison, so please choose something else besides A Mercy.

Might I recommend one of these books:

- The Wine Cellar by J. Fernandez Broadnax
- Nigger: The Strange Career of a Troublesome Word by Randall Kennedy
- Say It Loud by Sam Chekwas

[welcomewhitefolks via slog]

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Times Are Tough...

...i get that. but unless you have ever worked in an industry that pays you crap because you work for tips, you won't really understand this: in tough times, if you can't afford to tip, don't go out. don't go out to eat. don't get your haircut. don't get wasted at a bar. don't take a cab. nothing. if you know that dinner at shannanagin's costs about twenty-five bucks, not including tip, and all you got is a twenty-spot and a couple of singles, do us all a favor and hit-up the drive thru at mcfatty's. trust me when i tell you that betty-the-beautician is just as hard up for cash as you. keeping busy on your mop won't take her mind off of how she knows you're going to stiff her like last time. screw ben bernanke and his "economic stimulating." if you can't afford to tip - especially now that the holidays are here - forget the economy. stay home, rent some porn, and "stimulate" yourself.

Yahoo Hotjobs offers the following tip suggestions:

* Bartender: 10-15% of the bar bill.
* Waiter/Waitress: 15-20% of the bill, at least 20% for fine dining or large groups.
* Massage Therapist: 10-20% of the total, 20% if it's orgasmic.
* Hairstylist: 15% of the total.
* Concierge: $5-10 is average, more for special services or favors.
* Doorman: $1 dollar or more for help with luggage or finding a taxi on the street.
* Parking Attendant: $1-2, depending on how far they travel to get your car.
* Van Driver: $1 or more per bag, especially if they help you with your luggage.
* Taxi Driver: 15% of fare, $1/bag up to 5 bags, $2/bag for 5 or more bags.

In addition, if you regularly use any of these, or other service workers, you'll likely want to give them an extra holiday tip this season. For guidance on what amounts are appropriate, Consumer Reports offers a nice chart on what others are tipping this season.

...and if you need more tips on how to be a serious cheapass, buy THIS book.

[via consumerreports, hotjobs, shezoom, consumerist]

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My Ugly Mugg.

in case you don't get to look at enough of my ugly mugg on these here internets, i highly recommend you pick up a copy of seth godin's new book, Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us, from amazon or a bookstore near you. in it, not only will you get a sexy picture of my face on the dust jacket, but you'll also enjoy the newest literary gem by the marketing genius that is, seth godin.

[buy 'tribes' on amazon]

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Green [Brendan James]

the photo that i used above is from a new book by an artist/photographer named david maisel. the canisters in the photograph have an amazing story behind them, check it out below.

"Esteemed photographer David Maisel has created a somber and beautiful series of images depicting canisters containing the cremated remains of the unclaimed dead from an Oregon psychiatric hospital. Dating back as far as the nineteenth century these canisters have undergone chemical reactions causing extravagant blooms of brilliant white green and blue corrosion revealing unexpected beauty in the most unlikely of places. This stately volume is both a quietly astonishing body of fine art from a preeminent contemporary photographer and an exceptionally poignant monument to the unknown deceased." --Library of Dust

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Pass the Pork. [World Vegetarian Day]

in celebration of world vegetarian day today, i ate bacon (happy rosh hashanah too!) for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch (i know, hot dogs are arguably considered meat), and i'm planning on a nice rare steak for dinner. how will you celebrate?

i think that anthony bourdain has pretty much summed up my feelings on vegetarians best in his book 'a cook's tour.'

"...It was difficult for me to be polite (though I was outnumbered). I’d recently returned [to California] from Cambodia, where a chicken can be the difference between life and death. These people in their comfortable suburban digs were carping about cruelty to animals but suggesting that everyone in the world, from suburban Yuppie to starving Cambodian cyclo-driver, start buying organic vegetables and expensive soy substitutes. To look down on entire cultures that’ve based everything on the gathering of fish and rice seemed arrogant in the extreme. (I’ve heard of vegans feeding their dogs vegetarian meals, now that’s cruelty to animals.) And the hypocrisy of it all pissed me off. Just being able to talk about this issue in reasonably grammatical language is a privilege, subsidized in a yin/yang sort of a way, somewhere, by somebody taking it in the neck. Being able to read these words, no matter how stupid, offensive, or wrongheaded, is a privilege, your reading skills the end product of a level of education most of the world will never enjoy. Our whole lives - our homes, the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the food we eat - are all built on a mountain of skulls. "Meat," say the PETA folks, "is ‘murder’." And yes, the wide world of meat eating can seem like a panorama of cruelty at times. But is meat ‘Murder’? Fuck no."

"Murder, as one of my Khmer pals might tell you, is what his next-door neighbor did to his whole family back in the seventies. Murder is what happens in Cambodia, in parts of Africa, Central and South America, and in former Soviet Republics when the police chief’s idiot son decides he wants to turn your daughter into a whore and you don’t like the idea. Murder is what Hutus do to Tutsis, Serbs to Croats, Russians to Uzbeks, Crips to Bloods. And Vice Versa. It’s a black Chevy Suburban (which, more than likely, US taxpayers paid for) pulling up outside your house at three in the morning and dragging away your suspiciously unpatriotic and over opinionated son. Murder is what that man sitting across from you in Phnom Penh does for a living - so he can afford a satellite dish for his roof, so he can watch our Airwolf reruns, MTV Asia, and Pam Anderson running in slow motion down a Southern California beach."

"Hide in your fine homes and eat vegetables, I was thinking. Put a Greenpeace or NAACP bumper sticker on your Beemer if it makes you feel better (so you can drive your kids to their all white schools). Save the rainforest - by all means - so maybe you can visit it someday, on an ecotour, wearing comfortable shoes made by twelve-year-olds in forced labor. Save a whale while millions are still sold into slavery, starved, fucked to death, shot, tortured, forgotten. And when you see cute little kids crying in rubble next to Sally Struthers on TV, be sure to send a few dollars."

[a cook's tour: global adventures in extreme cuisine, by anthony bourdain]

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Tucker "the Confirmed Douchnozzle" Max & Lynne "the Real Victim" Spears [A Buttery New Reading Update]

i don't want to say that i called it, but... i called it. back in august i wrote a post about 5 books that you shouldn't bother reading. in the last two days, two of the douchenozzles that i wrote about have made it into the news. maybe not headline news, but news nonetheless. check it:

so much for the belligerent and debaucherous exploits of the fuck-a-chick-and-go blogger and filmmaker tucker max. what of those only tangentially related to him? well, a 21-year-old uconn student who called tucker "my hero" was arrested last weekend for "allegedly forcing his way into a sleeping woman's apartment and raping her." how's that for a positive role model in the media? this has been your tucker max and associates update.

it ain't easy being lynne spears: sure, you can live off the wealth accumulated from your daughters' hard work and sell their teen pregnancy secrets to ok! magazine for a million dollars, but occasionally, people will think you're a bad parent! that's why it's important for lynne to set the record straight, and the today show gave her just the forum yesterday. hawking her book through the storm, lynne discussed the perils of overexposing your children, something that will surely be nipped in the bud by her incredibly revealing tell-all about daughter britney's loss of virginity. congratulations, lynne: here's your celebratory cheeto.

what can i say, i call 'em like i see 'em.

[via gawker and defamer]

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Buttery New Reading: 5 New books that you shouldn't bother reading...

some music, like that of the jonas brothers, is better left unheard. some movies, like those starring tom cruise, are better left unseen. some jokes, like those told by jay leno, are best left unlaughed at. similarly, some books are better left unread. these 5 can be found cluttering the shelves of a bookstore near you. (do the world a favor and leave them there.)

in no particular order of suckiness:

I. behind the bell by dustin diamond

"my porn tape sucked or didn't(?) i don't know, but it wasn't good; and my career is over. so how about i dish dirt on all of my mildly more successful co-stars of a show that ended 15 years ago." good idea screech, you do that.

II. i hope they serve beer in hell by tucker max

tucker max is a self-described king of douchebaggery. he drinks too much, fondles women, causes scenes and generally acts like that guy that no one ever wants to be around. but he's proud of it. so proud that he wrote a book about it. and word on the street is there's a movie is in the works too. tom cruise deserves to play this douchebag.

III. through the storm: a real story of fame and family in a tabloid world by lynne spears

this book was originally titled "the lynne spears guide to fucking up your children," but for some reason they switched it up just before publication. too bad for them, they missed the perfect mother's day window for release. this book will no doubt prove instructive to any stage mother willing to milk her daughters for all they're worth, subsequently ignoring them when their pregnancies/mental breakdowns interfere with a novelty t-shirt sale at kitson.

IV. life with my sister madonna by christopher ciccone & wendy leigh

nothing says "i'm tired of being a nobody and living in my sister's shadow" like an unauthorized biography/tell-all. this douche rivals tucker max in the royalty department. word in the valley is that he only wrote it as a bitch slap because guy ritchie doesn't like him because he's gay. get over it. write a book about your boring life you hack.

V. fleeced: how barack obama, media mockery of terrorist threats, liberals who want to kill talk radio, the do-nothing congress, companies that help iran, and washington lobbyists for foreign governments are scamming us... and what to do about it by dick morris & eileen mcgann

the follow-up to, no joke, outrage: how illegal immigration, the united nations, congressional ripoffs, student loan overcharges, tobacco companies, trade protection, and drug companies are ripping us off... and what to do about it. and stay tuned for their next book, for which i even came up with a title for them- "passed out: what you are by the time you have read halfway through the title of any of our books, why books like this aren't covered under major bookstore return policies, and why you shouldn't care what we have to say because we are hacks... and what you can't do about it." eh? ehh? what a title!?! dickie, eileen, call me... i'll lease you the name rights.

[snapped elements from defamer.com]

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I'm Getting Awfully Close...

close to thirty, not close to being a millionaire.

i got some new summer reading even though summer hasn't actually started yet. a recommendation from my pops and the good people at u.s. news and world report. my pops has always been one for get-rich-quick schemes, though cynical to the highest degree, but never had the balls to try one out for himself.

i'm told, in the introduction of this book that this is anything but one of the aforementioned schemes. there is even a warning on the back cover reading "WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE THIS BOOK UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO BECOME FILTHY RICH." the book is called A Million Bucks By 30: how to overcome a crap job, stingy parents, and a useless degree to become a millionaire before (or after) turning thirty. it's by a young chap named alan corey.

all i've gotten so far is that it takes eating a whole lot of ramen noodles, but i'm only on chapter one. i survived four years of college eating little more than ramen noodles when not at work, and i see where that has gotten me so far. i'm constantly reminded, even since i quit 34 days ago, that i would be richer if i hadn't smoked all those years. que sera, sera. i'll keep you posted on the book and my progress towards millionaire; or at least my plan to get there.

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