Call Mr. Webster, It's Time To Make A Donation To His Dictionary...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Fuckeduplets.
noun, plural: multiple babies born to a single, unemployed looney tune of a mother.
[via slog]
Showing posts with label slog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label slog. Show all posts
Because the Story About the 13 Year Old Daddy Wasn't Disturbing Enough, Now There's a 16 Year Old Saying He's the "Baby Daddy" [Time to Call Maury]
Sunday, February 15, 2009
so i find this situation to be pretty disturbing, but this story from the sun has some seriously potent quotables.
The shy lad, whose voice has not yet broken, said: "I thought it would be good to have a baby. I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”
We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”
Other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things, like they have slept with Chantelle too," Patten says, "But I am the only boyfriend she has had and we've been together for two years, so I must be the dad. When she found out she was having a baby, I asked her 'Am I the dad?' and she went 'Yeah' so I believe her. I didn't know about DNA tests before, but Mum explained it's when they do a swab in your mouth and it tells you if you're the dad. So, if I have that, they can all shut up."
[sperm is getting weirder... via slog]
[baby-faced boy alfie... via thesun]
[alfie patten to take... via jezebel]
A Letter I'd Like To See (But Won't)
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Dear America,
I take it back. I don’t apologize.
Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.
I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.
Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.
You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.
Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.
So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.
Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.
Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.
Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.
Yours,
Michael Phelps
[theagitator via slog]
Just In Case France Didn't Already Hate Us Enough, Bush Felt The Need To Sock It To Them, One More Time.
A complete ass right until the end. Increasing import duties on Roquefort cheese? What the hell?
Less than a week before it leaves office, the Bush administration has sparked anger across the Atlantic by tripling the import duty rate on roquefort cheese to 300%, a move which the US hopes will "shut down trade" in the sheep's milk product by making it prohibitively expensive.
The decision, part of Washington's attempts to force the EU into dropping its ban on hormone-treated beef, was greeted with disbelief by the French government and by farmers in the south-western Aveyron region who depend on the industry for their livelihoods.
"Maybe the Bush administration indulged itself by taking this decision just before it leaves," Robert Glandieres, president of the roquefort producers' group, told Reuters.
The tariff on roquefort, condemned as "incomprehensible and inadmissible" by the French government, will probably have a minimal effect, given exports to the US account for just 2% of annual sales. French farmers said it would mean "the end" for roquefort in the US and vowed to take "symbolic actions" in return.
i can't wait to see what those "symbolic actions" turn out to me. more tainted milk and salmonella laden peanut butter? my best guess would be tainted 'freedom fries.'
[americablog via slog]
Goose. Down. Jackets. [Potent Quotables]
Friday, January 16, 2009
Do not let people mislabel the US Air landing as a “miracle”. It was the result of education, experience, skill and competence. Not magic." --Anil Dash
It's hard not to read this image as a metaphor for the state of nation. We are in trouble, man, deep, deep trouble. But we're not sunk. Was I the only one inspired by this picture—knowing, as we do now, that everyone on that flight survived? There aren't a lot good omens out there at the moment. Let's take 'em where we can find 'em." --Dan Savage
[via claudiacatalina, gawker, slog]
Another Update From The Alaskan Cake Making Douchenozzle, via Slog
brendan from slog did indeed forward my email, and he got this in response:
3200 Feet And Climbing
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i just spent the last 20 minutes playing around on this site. i gotta tell you, i guess it's interesting, but i'll never do it for a flight that i know someone on. everytime the altitude drops a foot, it freaks me out. this is the tracker from the flight that ended up in the hudson today.
This is not what you want to see, but the pilot of this thing should get a fucking medal." --Anthony Hecht
[via flightaware]
Re: Open Letter, Slog Email, Alaskan Cake Fcukers
i emailed brendan kiley at the stranger today, asking if he thought the alaskan asswipe that made THIS and THIS would be making a new cake after today's plane crash in the hudson. he forwarded my message on to nowheresville alaska, and responded:
was i wrong in thinking that alaskans gave a shit about the exxon valdez? i was trying to hit below the belt, but i'm not sure if that came across as a weak jab.
Anal Jokes(?!?) Make Me Giggle. [LOL]
i can't decide which makes me laugh harder, the people who write for slog, or the people that comment on the stuff that's written on slog. these are the only two jokes from today's thread that i dare repeat on my own blog, but for some reason the word 'anal' really made me giggle today.
What is the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?
The Taste.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to like them as a kid, you probably won't like them as an adult.[via slog] Read more...
Re: An Open Letter To The Scumbag That Thought This Was A Good Idea:
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
oddly enough, i still don't find any humor in this. but thanks for the update. you're still an asshole.
[via slog]
An Open Letter To The Scumbag That Thought This Was A Good Idea:
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
dear piece-of-shit-detective-from-alaska-that-thought-it-was-a-good-idea-to-make-this-cake-for-god-knows-what-occasion,
you're a fucking asshole. there's not much more to be said. i'm sure your fellow police officers in new york will get a real kick out of seeing this.sincerely,
karma's a bitch. be careful hunting.
the guy that just called a detective an asshole and doesn't care who knows it
[photo via slog] Read more...
"Comes With Little Rubber Claw-Shaped Gloves."
i'm pretty sure ever blog that i read posted a comment about this yesterday, but i didn't get around to reading it until just now. the fact that it's fake doesn't really matter, because the 50 or so reviews that people took the time to write on amazon are HILARIOUS. check it out over on amazon before it's too late. (LINK HERE)
1)
Wow! So much better than playing school or house for brainwashing—-I mean, acclimatizing today's tots to the realities of the Global War on Terror. I especially appreciated the enclosed signed photo of Michael Chertoff and his letter explaining how necessary it is to start educating today's youth early with toys like these, especially as their elders just don't seem to be taking the whole thing seriously, what with posting snarky reviews on Amazon and all, and it's going to take a while to get KBR's re-education camps in Nevada up and running properly. I know my little four year-old grandson was really impressed with this set. He's now so scared it's undone a whole year of potty training and he's now wetting his pants about five times a day.2)
I've heard that they were going to publish a coupon and code, to allow us to buy this for $9.11, they're just waiting for the economy to drop a little more then it currently is. Its a marketing thing I know... In addition they plan on offering a collectors version that will have the metal detector painted GOLD, though they'll have to use lead based paint because its cost effective. I love toys :-)3)
I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.[amazon via slog] Read more...
The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillance society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillance System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interrogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).
Poll: Which Is Grosser? [Ketchup Water v. Milk Crust]
Friday, January 09, 2009
ketchup water:
milk crust:
slog posted the poll earlier this week. two more peeves that i thought about and suddenly they showed up: though ketchup water really digusts me (for which i owe much gratitude to heinz for making the always ready/no ketchup water producing bottle), even if you do have ketchup water, a little shake will make it go away. milk crust on the other hand? whatever the opposite of nom nom nom is. or perhaps just bleh.
I Really Dig This Painting. [Way More Than I Probably Should]
Check out that grid of fluorescent lights on the ceiling, organizing everything in the frame, like the grid of a Renaissance painter. Now hanging at the James Harris Gallery.
[via slog] Read more...
10 Items or Less.
Monday, January 05, 2009
i read gawker and defamer and slog, and always get a kick out of the industry news surrounding new movies. it makes me laugh that these big movie studios only pour ridiculous amounts of money into the movies that they want to do well. shouldn't they want any movie with their name on it to be a success? i would think so. those cock knockers the weinstein brothers are a perfect example. and what do they have to show for themselves these days? nada.
on the other hand, i find that the more the hype a movie gets, the more likely i am to hate it. the only two exceptions that i can recall from 2008 were the dark knight (which was a very last minute choice, and although i'm not a fan of the comic book franchises, i thoroughly enjoyed this one) and that new benjamin buttons movie. i'd much rather go see a movie that the critics say sucks, because i usually end up enjoying them. i.e. stop loss.
so if hype means i'll hate it, and bad reviews means i'll love it, then it would most definitely be true that if i've never heard of it in my life, because the gawker shlubbs were to busy to write anything about it, then i'll most likely, absolutely love it. which is true for this movie, 10 items or less, that i watched on starz ondemand the other night. morgan freeman. jonah hill. the little indian man that played the janitor in the terminal. independent. low budget. most likely, very low budget. but a cinematic gem that i, a seldom promoter of films, encourage you to watch. or even buy.
"An image of Santa and Mrs. Claus in a state of ecstasy, replete with Santa's downy thighs and both of their spindly Cranach legs..."
Thursday, December 25, 2008
a portion of a note from the artist, jesse higman, as sent to the staff of the stranger:
I made this Christmas print to give to friends and the people I meet each year who I hope will appreciate it. Please accept it as a gift from the painted streets for the work you do to make our culture so rich.[via slog] Read more...
I had a vision of this ideal couple up there on their own. It seems possible, to give, to have love and be proud, naked and getting old. It's one of those moments when you know what's important and nothing else matters. It felt like a dance to me, with grace. I mean it with all the commitment I can muster.
I drew this over eight years with a technical pen. The original is five feet tall. I drew it in the negative with black ink on white paper, then reversed it on a color copier and glued the pieces together again. Obviously, a computer has become the way to go for assembly but I would still draw it with a pen. The scribbles on the sides were to get the ink flowing in my pen. In the end they seemed like snow to me, so I kept them.
I hope you have happy holidays and a loving, productive year.
--Jesse
In Dreams They Come...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
1. Those raised in the age before color television may dream in black and white.
2. The blind often dream without visual images.
who knew?
[nytimes via slog]
Don't Let The Shoe Hit You On The Way Out...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
President Bush made his last surprise visit to Iraq today, and, well, the press conference in Baghdad didn't go so well.His appearance at a news conference here was interrupted by a man, apparently a journalist, who leaped to his feet and threw one shoe at the president, who ducked and narrowly missed being struck. Chaos ensued. He threw a second shoe, which also narrowly missed Mr. Bush. The man was roughly 12 feet from the lecturn in the center of two rows ofchairs, about two feet from a pool of reporters. A scrum of security agents descended on the man and wrestled him, first to the floor and then out of the ornate room where the news conference was taking place. The president was uninjured and brushed off the incident. “All I can report is it is a size 10,” he said jokingly. An Iraqi accompanying the pool of reporters said the man had shouted, “This is a farewell kiss, dog.”[via slog, imjustsayin] Read more...
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