On Octomom...

But then you have the Duggars, who equally sicken me..." --molls' mom on 'octomom'

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BREAKING NEWS: Baby #18 Has Been Queefed Out!!! [Birth By Flatulence]

after a long night of eating franks and beans, michelle duggar let one rip while wiping down the 50-foot dinner table. three toots and a thump later, baby number 18!?! flopped out of her loins. jordyn-grace makiya has been born into the quiver-ful duggar family that is attempting, single handedly, to form a professional roller derby team. the team's name will most likely be "the holy rollers." they've used up so many "j" names that they ran out of biblical ones, so they started getting inventive, which means that some of the girls—like big sister jinger—have ready-made stripper names. 20 bucks says she's pregnant by new years! any takers?

[via jezebel, people]

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BEAKING NEWS: Birthing Fart to be Televised!

these over-populators, the duggars, as featured on tlc's 'how to overpopulate the world in 18 easy steps,' have just announced to people magazine that when michelle duggar farts out her 18th child, they will be taping and televising it. i don't know about you, but i am excited to see someone give birth in 8.2 seconds, because you know her gooch isn't tight enough to hold it in for too long.

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Michelle & Jim-Bob Have Big News! [DUGGAR ALERT]

OH, PLEASE! PLEASE! LET ME GUESS... SHE'S PREGGO?!? (AGAIN.) as if there could be any other news from these professional babymakers.

i've long wondered about the fascination behind television shows featuring huge-ass families. and uh oh, here comes another one - tonight, TLC debuted '17 kids and counting', a reality show about the duggars, the 19-member family from arkansas that i've often mocked. former high school sweethearts michelle and jim bob (yes, really) are — huge shocker here — super religious (a.k.a. they clearly don't use condoms) and believe "that every child is a gift to be cherished." they have ten boys and seven girls with number 18 on the way, so they obviously need some camera crews to come in and liven things up. michelle has been pregnant for nearly 12 years of her life. i'll excuse you ladies while you clench for a moment.

i'm guessing our nation's obsession with these multiple baby television shows has something to do with the "how the fuck do they do it — and why?" quotient. i mean, these people have got to be straight-up clinically insane, right? how do they pay for all of the fucking spit-up rags and dollies and bottles? how do the husband and wife not kill each other after bickering constantly? (lots of make-up sex, i'll assume?) why do they want so many kids - are they weird and religious or just super charitable and giving? (i know you are thinking it, but i'll say it because i agree, it's definitely the former,weird and religious.) and most importantly: how the hell did that woman pop so many out? (i'd have to guess that about 8 1/2 months in, she probably just restricts her diet to eating nothing but bush's baked beans. strictly beans. then, when her water breaks, all she has to do is fart, and voila! baby #19? of course, that's just my opinion.)

[via defamer]

more duggarlicious reading from ssp&e:

-they haven't listened to bob...
-never mind the tater tots...
-going for the trifecta...

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Amazon Bargains That You Should Probably Pass Up...

i know that times are tough, and i'm all about being thrifty, but there are some bargains that you should probably avoid. used cars=good. used clothes=good. used sex toys=not fucking good. i found these used "bargains" on amazon. i urge you to avoid them, buy them at wal-mart if you have to.

maybe it's because i have that phobia about ear juices, but used ear buds? go ahead and spend the extra $2.00 and buy the new ones. after all, you probably saved that much buying generic "cotton swabs" instead of real q-tips.

you might be wondering why a "used pastry brush" isn't a good "bargain." here's why: they are typically used for applying greasy substances like butter or bbq sauce to food; nobody, and i mean nobody, can get them completely clean. as a matter of fact, that's probably why you're buying a new one, because your current one is so greasy that it skeeves you out. again, spend the extra $2.00 or you'll end up with botulism.

the plunger in my own bathroom grosses me out, so i certainly don't want to buy a plunger with remnants of your turd nuggets on it.

although the typically "contaminated" part is missing from these adorable panties, just the thought of strangers sharing loin juices sends shivers down my spine. then again, there's nothing typical about crotchless panties.

if i learned anything from my high school sex ed teacher ms. ballway, it's that condoms are for sissies "prevent pregnancy & the spread of sexually transmitted diseases." when i think of used condoms, i picture the tribe of duggar's sitting around their mess hall with condoms & safety pins. you know, as part of their mission for jesus, to spread the quiverfull faith. no thanks. i'll stick with cvs.

eeeeeeeeew. that's just gross.

this reminds me of a joke that i heard once, something with a punchline about buying dildos at garage sales because they are cheaper. again, gross.

i've heard "don't knock it until you try it," but no matter how i try, i can't imagine how a chain on golf balls could possibly feel good in an ass. mine or yours. and furthermore, i also can't imagine the substances found on said strand of used golf balls upon retrieval. so again dear amazon, i'll have to politely decline your booty-bead "bargains."

...i will, however, continue to use you for your free pepsi mp3 downloads. (thanks for that.)

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Wow! What An Action Packed Weekend...

as the sun goes down and i sit here sipping on this delicious brew i can't help but ponder the last 72 or so hours. my action packed weekend full of revelations, celebrations and delicious libations; not necessarily in that order. i don't think i can even remember how long it's been since i've been as productive as i was in the past few days...

the long weekend began with a 'revelation' in the biblical sense, when i heard the joyous (sarcasm implied) news that mama duggar's uterus was being tortured again. i previously promised that i wouldn't get into that again, so i encourage you to read my posts from earlier this weekend regarding the over-populating duggar family. let's just call that revelation #1 and move on.

revelation #2 is my favorite kind of revelation; and funny how it came about so shortly after my blogs about music last week. like i've said a thousand times before, my love for music is rooted in the feelings that come over me when i hear certain tunes and lyrics. my path crossed with one such song this weekend, and i've been listening to a snippet ever since. the song is 'stuck on you' by lionel richie, however the version that i've been overplaying is by jason mraz and his djembe playing sidekick toca rivera. you can listen to it HERE, but it only lasts for the first minute of the video, so you don't have to watch the whole 8 minutes.

if you just listened to that song, it creates a nice segue into revelation #3 which actually has two parts. the sentiment of that song is just so fantastic. not even in a mushy and sentimental way, but in such a pure truth kind of way, if that makes any sense to anyone other than me. and with that sentiment came the realization of:
A) it's really NEVER too late to make new friends. i have and continue to make plenty of acquaintances, but true friends aren't just the people that you've known forever. true friends are the ones that you gravitate towards and that love you for exactly who you are. nothing more, nothing less. and for those people that have become 'good friends' of mine lately, i'm sorry it took this long to realize it, but thanks.
and,
B) you NEVER really know people. i guess it goes back to keeping secrets from yourself and keeping secrets from others, but i realize that some people don't want you to get to know them, and that's fine by me. acquaintances are fine, if you'd prefer that over friends. but i'm tired of being in one sided relationships. i've been on both sides of the 'one sided fence' before, and i'm trying to put that behind me. my efforts are much more valuable being applied in friendships elsewhere. i'm a happier person now, i won't let it bother me.

and now on to the celebrations. this was the really action packed part. mother's day, obviously. my sister and her husband celebrated their one year wedding anniversary. ethan, my pseudo-nephew turned one. and least important of all, even less important than myself having a long and relaxing bowel movement, was dubbya's daughter's wedding. i believe it was jenna that got hitched, or maybe barbara. i don't know, let's just say the ugly one and move on.

and on we go, to the divine mother's day libations. their was plenty of yuengling to be consummed at el casa de moldovanyi for the occasion. it started at breakfast, and although i should be shot for it, MY MOM made it. i know, i know, but i slept through it and ate cold pancakes upon my rising from the dead. it's sunday and my pops is oldschool so we ate dinner at about 3. i made some down south bbq ribs. vinegar sauce and all. i know they're friends with paula dean and all but let me just tell you, the neely's don't have sh*t on my bbq ribs. truth be told. served up with homemade coleslaw and haricots du porc. (pork & beans out of a can, i was just trying to make them sound fancy.) it was a mighty fine ending to an eventful weekend, if i do say so myself. i feel full, festive and in general... emotionally content.

AND ON ONE OTHER COMPLETELY RANDOM MUSICAL NOTE... I'VE BECOME A FAN OF TWO MORE DIVINE BANDS THIS WEEKEND. TOTALLY NEW, FOR ME AT LEAST, HAD NEVER EVEN HEARD OF EITHER UNTIL... THIS GINORMOUS WEEKEND OF ...ATIONS!
CHECK OUT:

TWO SPOT GOBI
(how could a rockin' band with a cello NOT be cool?)

AND

RUSTIC OVERTONES
(or for that matter, a rockin' band with a honkin' horn section?)

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Going For The Trifecta...

yet another blast from the past. this gem has held a spot in my internet explorer 'favorites' since 10/19/05. i know, you're wondering why i'm obsessed with them, but really it's just disgust. this post was originally titled "God Does Not Want 16 Kids: Arkansas mom gives birth to a whole freakin' baseball team. How deeply should you cringe?" it first appeared on SFGate and was written by mark morford.
"Who are you to judge? Who are you to say that the more than slightly creepy 39-year-old woman from Arkansas who just gave birth to her 16th child yes that's right 16 kids and try not to cringe in phantom vaginal pain when you say it, who are you to say Michelle Duggar is not more than a little unhinged and sad and lost?

And furthermore, who are you to suggest that her equally troubling husband -- whose name is, of course, Jim Bob and he's hankerin' to be a Republican senator and try not to wince in sociopolitical pain when you say that -- isn't more than a little numb to the real world, and that bringing 16 hungry mewling attention-deprived kids (and she wants more! Yay!) into this exhausted world zips right by "touching" and races right past "disturbing" and lurches its way, heaving and gasping and sweating from the karmic armpits, straight into "Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with you people?"

But that would be, you know, mean. Mean and callous to suggest that this might be the most disquieting photo you see all year, this bizarre Duggar family of 18 spotless white hyperreligious interchangeable people with alarmingly bad hair, the kids ranging in ages from 1 to 17, worse than those nuked Smurfs in that UNICEF commercial and worse than all the horrific rubble in Pakistan and worse than the cluster-bomb nightmare that is Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise having a child as they suck the skin from each other's Scientological faces and even worse than that huge 13-foot python which ate that six-foot alligator and then exploded.

It's wrong to be this judgmental. Wrong to suggest that it is exactly this kind of weird pathological protofamily breeding-happy gluttony that's making the world groan and cry and recoil, contributing to vicious overpopulation rates and unrepentant economic strain and a bitter moral warpage resulting from a massive viral outbreak of homophobic neo-Christians across our troubled and Bush-ravaged land. Or is it?

Is it wrong to notice how all the Duggar kids' names start with the letter J (Jeremiah and Josiah and Jedediah and Jesus, someone please stop them), and that if you study the above photo (or the even more disturbing family Web site) too closely you will become rashy and depressed and you will crave large quantities of alcohol and loud aggressive music to deflect the creeping feeling that this planet is devolving faster than you can suck the contents from a large bong? But I'm not judging.

I have a friend who used to co-babysit (yes, it required two sitters) for a family of 10 kids, and she reports that they were, almost without fail, manic and hyper and bewildered and attention deprived in the worst way, half of them addicted to prescription meds to calm their neglected nerves and the other half bound for years of therapy due to complete loss of having the slightest clue as to who they actually were, lost in the family crowd, just another blank, needy face at the table. Is this the guaranteed affliction for every child of very large families? Of course not. But I'm guessing it's more common than you imagine.

What's more, after the 10th kid popped out, the family doctor essentially prohibited the baby-addicted mother from having any more offspring, considering the pummeling endured by her various matronly systems, and it's actually painful to imagine the logistics, the toll on Michelle Duggar's body, the ravages it has endured to give birth to roughly one child per year for nearly two decades, and you cannot help but wonder about her body and its various biological and sexual ... no, no, it is not for this space to visualize frighteningly capacious vaginal dimensions. It is not for this space to imagine this couple's soggy sexual mutations. We do not have enough wine on hand for that.

Perhaps the point is this: Why does this sort of bizarre hyperbreeding only seem to afflict antiseptic megareligious families from the Midwest? In other words -- assuming Michelle and Jim Bob and their massive brood of cookie-cutter Christian kidbots will all be, as the charming photo suggests, never allowed near a decent pair of designer jeans or a tolerable haircut from a recent decade, and assuming that they will all be tragically encoded with the values of the homophobic asexual Christian right -- where are the forces that shall help neutralize their effect on the culture? Where is the counterbalance, to offset the damage?

Where is, in other words, the funky tattooed intellectual poetess who, along with her genius anarchist husband, is popping out 16 funky progressive intellectually curious fashion-forward pagan offspring to answer the Duggar's squad of über-white future Wal-Mart shoppers? Where is the liberal, spiritualized, pro-sex flip side? Verily I say unto thee, it ain't lookin' good.

Perhaps this the scariest aspect of our squishy birthin' tale: Maybe the scales are tipping to the neoconservative, homogenous right in our culture simply because they tend not to give much of a damn for the ramifications of wanton breeding and environmental destruction and pious sanctimony, whereas those on the left actually seem to give a whit for the health of the planet and the dire effects of overpopulation. Is that an oversimplification?

Why does this sort of thoughtfulness seem so far from the norm? Why is having a stadiumful of offspring still seen as some sort of happy joyous thing?

You already know why. It is the Biggest Reason of All. Children are, after all, God's little gifts. Kids are little blessings from the Lord, the Almighty's own screaming spitballs of joy. Hell, Jim Bob said so himself, when asked if the couple would soon be going for a 17th rug rat: "We both just love children and we consider each a blessing from the Lord. I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them." This is what he actually said. And God did not strike him dead on the spot.

Let us be clear: I don't care what sort of God you believe in, it's a safe bet that hysterical breeding does not top her list of desirables. God does not want more children per acre than there are ants or mice or garter snakes or repressed pedophilic priests. We already have three billion humans on the planet who subsist on less than two dollars a day. Every other child in the world (one billion of them) lives in abject poverty. We are burning through the planet's resources faster than a Republican can eat an endangered caribou stew. Note to Michelle Duggar: If God wanted you to have a massive pile of children, she'd have given your uterus a hydraulic pump and a revolving door. Stop it now.

Ah, but this is America, yes? People should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their families if they can afford it and if it's within the law and so long as they aren't gay or deviant or happily flouting Good Christian Values, right? Shouldn't they? Hell, gay couples still can't openly adopt a baby in most states (they either lie, or one adopts and the other must apply as "co-parent"), but Michelle Duggar can pop out 16 kids and no one says, oh my freaking God, stop it, stop it now, you thoughtless, selfish, baby-drunk people.

No, no one says that. That would be mean."

me again, i swear, i'm done talking about these wackos. i promise. well, at least until baby #19.

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Nevermind The Tater Tots...

the following post was originally titled 'nevermind the tater tots: i want to know about the toilet paper.' it was posted on a blog called 'barefoot and...' on 7/13/07 by chris in north carolina.
"The other day I was reading an issue of People magazine (it's educational, you know) and they had an article on the Duggars. Apparently Mama Duggar and man-stud Jim Bob are expecting baby number seventeen. Or baby eighteen. At this point, the number is really not important as you can be rest assured that said baby's status in the Duggar household will be short-lived and he will be cast aside like a stained onesie at a garage sale once weaned, leaving Mama Duggar to get her insatiable baby fix from the next baby and the next until her uterus drops to the floor and tells both Madame Duggar and Jim Bob to eff off for good and takes off for Mexico with the first truck driver who picks it up while hitchhiking on I-40.

That poor uterus.

Whatever number baby it was, the article was accompanied by a list of various and sundry items the family goes through a month including, and I am liberally paraphrasing here because I don't expect you to fact check this, about 3000 pounds of tater tots, thirteen tubs of Crisco, and 14 dozen jars of Miracle Whip. But what I am not paraphrasing is this: The Duggars ONLY use twelve rolls of toilet paper. TWELVE. How is that even possible? I can personally go through that much in a week. Now admittedly, when I grab a wad of toilet paper, it's likely to resemble a pom pom. And not the new kind of tiny pom poms that today's wimpy cheerleaders carry. I'm talking about the old school kind from back when I was a youngster, the big-assed kind that are easily four times bigger than your head. Yeah, that much toilet paper.

So maybe the Duggars are more economical than I am. I understand that. But assuming that there are at least eighteen ass wipers in the Duggar household (if the smallest Duggar is still in diapers), that's still slightly less than half a roll a week. Paris Hilton got more than that in jail and you know what a tragedy that was!

Um, anyway, that's all I've got on that. It's just that I've been mulling over this for a while and I really had to get it off my chest. I'd like to write more about it, but I just realized my left boob is still hanging out from my pumping session a few minutes ago and I have to reign it in.

Before it takes off for Mexico."

i'm back, butter here, it's me again... while doing research for the earlier post on said topic, i came across this blog entry and felt that it was worthy of posting. funny how year old news is new again. if you have a minute, follow the link at the top to the original blog; the comments are priceless!

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They Haven't Listened Bob...

i've been struggling all day about how i was going to go about writing about this. this family's behavior has irked me for years, in duggar-time, since baby #14. i've seen the 'specials' on the discovery channel, i've read the articles in people magazine and i've watched them unknowingly make complete a**holes out of themselves on national television.

the latter, i witnessed again this morning on the today show. they were on for a follow-up segment about ludicrous baby #17, and to celebrate mama duggar for being an excellent mother; to which she responded with the surprise announcement that she was f*cking knocked up again. i use the term 'mother' here loosely. i know parents who struggle with the too few hours in day raising one or two children; the juggling of a career, cooking, cleaning, etc... yet the people i know, the real mothers, will deprive themselves the extra hour of sleep to be sure they have quality time to spend with their child or children. how is it humanly possible for two parents to 'mother' 17, soon to be 18, children?

brainwashing. mommy and daddy are merely the factory. the older kids raise the younger ones. none of the children leave the house. like most families of the quiverfull faith, they are all home schooled and un-socialized. they have no idea what the real world is like, because they are sheltered from it. the producers of the today show whisked several of the older children away to buy mom mother's day gifts, and upon learning of this on live tv, mama duggar gasped. what, in of all places, new york city, were her poor sheltered children exposed to? a homeless man sleeping on the street? an asian artist sketching faces? a hodgepodge band of bucket drummers? or maybe even the naked cowboy? oh no!

i don't pray much, but like the jessop's that escaped the polygamist cult in texas, i pray that someday some of these kids have a chance. i hope that the god that they believe in so strongly gives them the will to run away, change their name and live the american dream with a significant other and a child or two. i hope that the cruel and unusual way of life that they are trapped in right now doesn't scar them for life, and i sincerely hope that none of them take out their anti-social anxiety on a public place, from the top of a bell tower one day...

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