BREAKING NEWS: Unicorn Carcass Found in Provincetown, MA. Autopsy photos reveal our suspicions were correct.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Too Old To Tweet. [But Thank You Anyway]

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

i don't fit the mold.

i also don't wear a size small t-shirt.

and lord knows, i have no filter.

mtv just announced the final two tj candidates.

i had high hopes after seeing the profiles of the first 18 that they announced; i could out-tweet all of them with no thumbs & a blackberry, all while giving pre-surgery star jones a piggyback ride...

instead, they chose a lesbian that looks like justin bieber and a boricua that's addicted to the hills.

in any case, THANK YOU for all of your nominations via twitter and facebook.

and for constantly harassing the @mtvtj twitter account with every reason you could think of as to why they should pick me.

let's face it, mtv's just not ready for this jelly...


Comment of Comments...

Saturday, July 03, 2010

My Facebook Status This Morning:

I'm trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.
And The Comment Of The Year Award Goes To:
Just tell them you need to "relocate" them to a picnic table on the other side of the lake, "temporarily." Then let them operate slot machines and sell tax free cigarettes from their new picnic table!


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Overheard at Barnes & Noble...

Friday, July 02, 2010

After a childish spat with my other half the other night, I found myself sunken in a germ ridden chair at my local Barnes & Noble. Although I was attempting to knock out a few chapters of 'Medium Raw,' I found it difficult due to my close proximity to the cafe's seating area. Hipster after hipster sat next to me to slurp down their $8 latte-chino-machiatos. And all I could do was eavesdrop. It was as if a complete stranger wasn't sitting two feet away from them, tweeting their every word...

The following is the fruit of my eavesdropping endeavors. All of which I was tweeting, as it happened, with the hashtag #OverheardAtBarnesAndNoble:

"His penis was like a stale banana." -60ish year old woman to her much younger friend

"I'm tired of predominantly black men walking around with their asses hanging out. I don't want to see your ass unless I'm crawling into bed with it." -Same 60ish year old lady to her now obviously bored friend

"I don't know what's worse, that she has her 'poosy' pierced or that she's wearing capri pants." -Bored friend talking about another "friend" in the cafe line

"He makes his life harder because he can't keep it in his pants." -60ish year old lady talking about her son

At this point, the oldies left and a trio of blonde college tarts sat down to flip through their CosmoGirl Mags and sip their skinny lattes...

"Whatever, I'm sure John Mayer has gotten way more girls than The Situation has." -Debate Team Captain

"There's a girl in my Chinese class named 'Young,' but it's spelled D-U-N-G. She's Asian." -Captain Obvious

"Why does gas cost $2.47 9/10 per gallon? Are we supposed to carry around pieces of pennies?" -Dipshit in B&N

"What's Lupus?" "Lupus is an auto-immune disease. You would know that if you watched House." -MD Candidate, 2012

"I'm judging Cameron Diaz for being in that movie with Tom Cruise. He's a tool."

"I like 'Sarah, Plain & Tall." "You would."

"It's not called Chat Roulette, it's called Chat Roolay."

"I prefer Jumpers to Rompers."

Next came the pair of Yuppie Moms with their jogging strollers and Volvo keys...

"I've never had to use lube in my life. I'm just naturally wet. It's more comfortable. You should be jealous."

"I have this eerie feeling that there's someone watching me and licking their lips."

And with that, I left.

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