9 Easy Steps to the Perfect Halloween...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Halloween costume parties are my favorite parties of the year, because I am a pragmatist. The entire point of a party is to talk to new people, always an awkward endeavor. But on Halloween, the task becomes much easier; everyone is wearing a conversation piece. Of course, if you are already in a relationship, you don't have to bother yourself with such elaborate schemes. You can go as a "crappy t-shirt owner" and you've still got someone to go home with when the evening is over. Or just ditch the party altogether and rent a horror flick and eat pumpkin pie. Here's a Halloween-themed activity, why don't you just go to Hell?

For the rest of us, I present nine easy steps to the perfect Halloween costume:

[9] High concept but not immediately evident: If you are a robot, and you look like a robot, there's really not much to talk about. "Robot, eh?" "Yup. I'm a robot. Meep-Boink." "Bye." The ideal costume creates a sense of mystery. The more convoluted the costume, the longer the conversation. The desire to know what you are supposed to be should be strong enough to overcome the great void that separates all people. Why not try some eyeliner?

[8] Be extremely good looking: A few years ago, I had the perfect costume: a mirror. People asked me what I was, and I'd just tell them what they were. Get it? It was witty, fun, easy to make (Ingredients: one mirror) and led straight into great conversation. Plus it attracted all the vain and self-absorbed people, who are, by their very nature, more cool. But the costume revealed its limitations five minutes later, when my brand new friends were stolen away by two gorgeous German men wearing Hefty Cinch Sacks. "It is, how you say... postmodern." That was the night I learned that in order to attract people at Halloween parties, you should be extremely good looking.

[7] Don't wear a mask: Wear some antenna or a funny hat. Put on some makeup if you must. But never wear a costume that includes a mask. There's a saying "the face is the window to the soul." It's also the part of your body you use for such party-related essentials as drinking, talking and vomiting. Don't cover it up. (If you aren’t extremely good looking then go ahead, wear a mask.)

[6] No Cowboys: All the other lame dudes at the party will be dressed as cowboys, just like they did every year since they were eight. Even the most slaved-over, handmade, authentic down-home cowboy costume is lame. Don't do it.

[5] Prostitutes are okay: The prostitute costume is just as hackneyed and lame as the cowboy costume. Nevertheless, it's somehow fine by me, ladies.

[4] Your costume should work with you, not against you: You may have labored for hours to create the perfect facsimile of the Kool Aid Man and, when partygoers are chanting, "Hey, Kool Aid" ad nauseam you'll think you're the life of the party. For a time. But fast forward three hours and you're bumping into walls, completely incapable of drinking or urinating and sweating like a pig in a prison of your own design. Remember, "kool" as he may be, the Kool Aid Man never gets laid.**

[3] No Ghosts: Every year, millions of Americans think they have an easy solution to the costume party dilemma; they throw a white sheet over their head, cut out some eye holes and... Bingo, they're a ghost. DON'T DO IT. People go to parties to have fun, not to be terrified out of their goddamn minds. Ghosts are some serious shit. They're fucking scary and you could seriously give someone a heart attack. It just isn’t worth the risk.

[2] Be cool: Just because you dressed like a pirate doesn't mean you have to say things like "Get me an ale, me matey, or ye be walkin' the plank." If you do, no one will like you. Don't act like your costume. Just be cool.

[1] No backwards baseball caps: This is sound advice 365 days a year.

** This is doubly true of Mayor McCheese & Giant Boxes of Wine. (Trust me, I know.)

There you go, it's just that simple.



Raisins and/or Pennies = Eggs and/or Toilet Paper, Next Year. [PSA] [From the Archives]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

{Originally Posted on 10/30/08 on isweatbutter.com} ...at least that's how we used to judge houses. it's funny how twelve months would go by, in a neighborhood that you're only in once a year, yet you remember the houses with the sweetest scores. likewise, we always remembered the pennies and raisins houses. they'd get a visit from us the following mischief night. (because that'll teach 'em.)

the 10 worst non-candy items that you could possibly give me on halloween, and the consequences of doing so
(in no particular order)

pennies: who gives out pennies on halloween night!? i wouldn’t complain if it was a dollar, but pennies just don’t go as far as they used to. first of all, it is NOT CANDY! second of all, there are no "penny candy" shops anymore. 1960 called, they want their halloween "treat" back...

apples: also, NOT CANDY! that’s healthy stuff, save your apples for your pie. it's true that there have been a couple of documented razorblade in the apple cases, and that is enough for me to stay away from them. besides, this is the night for trick-or-treating, and if you hand out an apple, it is likely to end up in your flower garden or on your roof. no joke.

raisins: nope. Uh-uh. NOT going in my mouth on halloween. unless, of course, they are covered in chocolate. let's review: raisinettes, GOOD. raisins, BAD.

advice: "look both ways before crossing the street," should have already been beaten into my head by my parents. that is not your job as the person who is giving me delicious treats! if i want advice, i'll call doctor phil. advice, once again, is NOT CANDY.

canned food: a can of sugar beets or candied yams might seem great to some people, but don't let the words "sugar" or "candied" fool you, at the end of the day, you're still attempting to pawn off your expired cans of VEGETABLES. canned vegetables ARE NOT a good "treat" to give to trick-or-treaters, mostly because they're likely to end up through a car window somewhere on your block. and your neighbors will most likely suspect YOU.

stickers: yeah, spongebob or superman stickers may be cool, but nobody wants them on halloween. now if you want to give a piece of candy AND a sticker, that’s fine, but don’t give just a sticker. if you do, expect to find in on the hood of your beemer.

coupons: even coupons for free stuff are no good. free wendy’s frosties or free mcdonald’s french fries are normally good, but a kid wants the instant satisfaction of candy. with a coupon you have to remember to take them in the car, and then convince your parents to stop by to get you something free. most of the time the coupons expire before you can use them anyway. and besides fast food will make you fat, candy won't is delicious. just SAY NO to coupons.

a toothbrush: yeah, yeah. we all know we should brush our teeth. we don’t need to get that message drilled into us by our neighbors too. refer to the sticker rule here, all you toothbrush-givers of america: toothbrush, BAD. toothbrush AND candy, GOOD.

little bags of microwave popcorn: anything that requires the use of a 1000 watt kitchen appliance SHOULD NOT be given to kids on halloween. do i really need to go into anymore detail on this one folks?

homemade anything: i don’t care if your cookies won blue ribbons at the county fair or your popcorn balls are the talk of the town, DON'T put them in my halloween bag. the parents won’t let us eat anything homemade anyway and your homemade treats will end up getting tossed in the trash or your yard. so save your time and money and just buy a big ass bag of candy from shitmart walmart.

i just found this question on wikianswers, which i found quite comical, and had to screencap it. (my guess is that it was answered by one of the "old people" in question, who else says 'frugality?')


Searching for the Meaning of Life... [via Text Message]

Monday, October 11, 2010

Yup, this just happened.

ME: NEVER go camping with a chick who's menstruating. Bears can smell it. You'll get mauled.

NJ: Danke. How you doin?

ME: Grand. WTF have you been up to? Working like a Guatamalan dishwasher?

NJ: More like a Peruvian one, but all the same. I've been good. Searching for the meaning of life and going to lots of sporting events.

ME: Perhaps you'll find the meaning of life in the parking lot at the Meadowlands. Big things happen there.

NJ: Yea, like flea markets.

ME: And killer ferris wheels.

NJ: That's it! I will sell miniature killer ferris wheels at a local flea market next weekend!

ME: I'm glad I could help.


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