Chirp, Chirp, It's Bird Time!

Friday, January 30, 2009

ok, ok, so that's the battle cry for the ball state fighting cardinals, but i've decided that i'm going to root for the west bumblefuck cardinals in the superbowl this year. not that i'll pay attention to the game at all, i'm only watching this year to see more e*trade baby commercials. have i ever mentioned that i wanna swipe that little kid? and while we're on the subject of cardinals, i know in the bird world, in their weight-class, cardinals are pretty tough, but seriously? what the fuck is a cardinal gonna do to a steeler? and what the fuck is a steeler?

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Trig Palin? [I'm Totally Going To Hell For This]

[via molls]

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Seriously, Meme.

[thanks tyler]

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Don't Forget To Watch [PSA]

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Adios C*cksucker! [Gone Baby Gone]

Thursday, January 29, 2009

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And Speaking of Baby Bumps... [L'Eggo My Pr'Eggo]


Today on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck revealed that there is a new creature who is trying desperately to store up enough strength so that it can escape her. It is called "a baby."

This will be Hasselbeck's third child, joining Grace and the one who got thrown into Gitmo for headbutting President Bush. The baby is due in August (placing its conception date somewhere between Hasselbeck's incense controversy and The View's last guest appearance by Andy Dick), as only recently did Hasselbeck become aware that her post-election vomiting was likely due to the circle of life. The baby will be named William Ayers McCartney Sheetzucacapoopoo Hasselbeck; send your gifts and donations to SarahPAC.

[via defamer]

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Somehow, I Totally Missed The Michael Cera Boat...

...but i finally, more than a year late, watched juno last night. and i only saw superbad for the first time, two weeks ago. michael cera is a genius at underacting. gems they are.

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"We sing about Pirates and Vikings and Canadians." [Well, In That Case...]

i got just got this friend request on my myspace. with an introduction like that, how could i possibly deny them? i haven't even listened to their music yet, i just clicked 'approve.' you can also check out ceann HERE.

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RECIPE: Mini Orgasm Cakes

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

well, they're actually called 'chocolate cookie dough cupcakes,' but mini orgasm cakes has such a nice ring to it. (as opposed to a jumbo orgasm cake, which i, for one, would also love to try if anyone has a recipe) but seriously, how deliciously fattening do these cupcakes look? in my mind, the most disgusting part of cupcakes is the dryass cake part, so this is right up my alley- minimum cake, mucho rawish cookie dough filling and seriously delicious icing. word. is. bond.

[recipe via howtoeatacupcake]

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Starbucks Eliminates Coffee, Cups, Stir-thingies...

Latest Cost-Cutting Measures.

In its latest cost-cutting moves designed to improve its bottom line, Starbucks announced today that it would no longer offer coffee, cups, or stir-thingies beginning February 1.

In an official statement, company spokesman Carol Foyler said that Starbucks "wrestled long and hard" with the decision to eliminate the three items, "especially coffee."

"We are aware that many of our customers have come to Starbucks in the past looking for a cup of coffee," Ms. Foyler said. "We hope, however, that they will continue to come even though we no longer offer coffee or cups, for that matter."

She said that she did not think that Starbucks customers would be disappointed by the absence of stir-thingies, adding, "Since we're also eliminating sugar, Equal, and half-and-half, there's really nothing to stir."

When asked what Starbucks hoped would attract customers to their stores in the future, Ms. Foyler said, "We hope customers will see our stores as a place for the unemployed and/or homeless to come out of the cold and warm themselves over a scalding hot cup of water, as long as they bring the cup."

Elsewhere, House Minority Leader John Boehner explained House Republicans' opposition to President Obama's economic stimulus package: "We're ginormous assholes."

[via borowitzreport]

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[Your Morning Coffee]

Sunday, January 25, 2009


"long road to forgiveness" by jason mraz & brett dennen
the brew dujour:
fair trade golden french toast- this coffee is an integral part of four of the best things in life: lazy sunday mornings, jason mraz on my ipod, breakfast in bed and a ginormous mug of coffee... so perfect together. all the perfection of french toast, in the convenient vessel of a mug; the rich butter with hints of egg finishing with maple syrup.

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i just housed the wings

i just housed the wings of 6 poor little chickens with major hotness and queso azul. suck it peta.

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remember back in 1995 when

Saturday, January 24, 2009

remember back in 1995 when it was cool to blast ja rule with your windows down? fyi, that's STILL cool in virginia.

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i just saw a HUGE

i just saw a HUGE uncle ben's rice sign(!?!) next to an obama HOPE billboard in maryland. WORST. PLACEMENT. EVER.

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in case you ever wondered,

in case you ever wondered, the 'welcome to deleware' sign and the 'welcome to maryland' sign are 6m32s apart on i495.

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i'm not complaining but i

i'm not complaining but i feel like i'm leading a motorcade, because for some reason everyone keeps getting out of my way.

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brendan urie's voice makes for

brendan urie's voice makes for perfect driving music...

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[Your Morning Coffee]


"i saw the light" by todd rundgren
the brew dujour:
fair trade organic ethiopian yirgacheffe- "coffee can be traced back to as early as the ninth century, when it appeared in the highlands of ethiopia. according to legend, ethiopian shepherds were the first to observe the influence of the caffeine in coffee beans when their goats appeared to "dance" and to have an increased level of energy after consuming wild coffee berries. from ethiopia, coffee spread to egypt and yemen. it was in arabia that coffee beans were first roasted and brewed, similar to how it is done today."

these beans are a tribute to the humble beginning of the brew that i love so much. the sweet flavor of chocolate dipped orange rind lingers with each sip, and the slightly smoky roast balances the sweetness perfectly. rare perfection that can only be found at the source.

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My Contribution To The Internets:

it may have taken 5 months to be published, but my further contribution to the internets has finally come to fruition...[via urbandictionary]

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I Finally Took The Time To Screw Around With The Genius Bar On iTunes... I'm In Love.

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Things To Do: [Things Are Getting Dicey]

[via thingsaregettingdicey]

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What An Unfortunate Address:

[via nyt]

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A Hillbilly, A DeLorean & A Diet Coke Walk Into A Laundromat...

Friday, January 23, 2009

am i the only one that feels like the minute i step through the door of a laundromat, it's like stepping through a wormhole that transports me back to 1989? i had the unfortunate opportunity (because like walmart, i DESPISE laundromats), to attend a veritable party at a backwoods launderette in milford, pennsylvania yesterday.

this particular one, besides being stuck in '89, also has an owner that is obviously obsessed with duck & masking tape, as you'll soon see in the photos i took at last night's soiree. the one thing it did have going for it was the efficiency (sarcasm implied) of the seemingly original machines ever commercially produced by westinghouse.

what would a laundromat be without a hand painted sign? it would be second class, that's what it would be.

cancel that above statement, and let me rephrase: what would a laundromat be without a colored pencil sketch of a man taking the sign literally and stripping his clothes off because his machine stopped? third world, that's what it would be. i'm just glad that none of the old, wrinkly hillbillies took to the sign the way 'the great schnazzole' in the drawing did. that would have been a redneck mess.

"sorry... no restroom," but feel free to use any of the 14 washing machines that are out of order. the masking tape has spoken.

restroom open. please don't mind the masking tape.

tape on door is pennsylvanian for "ain't working." likewise, no tape on door translates to "$5 and 2 hours to dry 2 socks on 'high.'"

emergency exit, or not. about two feet outside the door that this sign was or wasn't marking, there was a six foot tall fence. no gate. just fence. so if there's a fire, you may want to find another way out. and if you need duck tape, there's still half a roll covering the twelve inch sign. and about that "surveillance camera," yea, the wires were just chillin, not connected to anything. so feel free to hijack quarters at your convenience.

now would be a good time to hijack the quarters out of one of the 'highly efficient' dryers. either that, or go 'next door' to the 'convenience' store to get change. and by 'next door,' i mean 3 miles down the road.

in case you don't believe that the surveillance camera is real, try stealing this state-of-the-art speaker and pawning it down the street. it's apparently happened before, making it necessary to write "milford laundry" on the side. i must say that i'm surprised that there was no tape involved in the application of this speaker to the wall. (in their defense, i'm sure this speaker was state-of-the-art in 1958 when speakers were invented.)

for your convenience, this lovely 'mat provides liquid refreshments. WARNING, machine only accepts wooden nickels.

twenty wooden nickels and the push of a button, gets you a can of diet coke, that as far as i can tell coca-cola stopped labeling with that logo in 1984!?!

...and so goes the story of the laundromat/time machine. reason #2431 why living in the boonies sucks.

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Mission Accomplished.

"...it feels like 14 carats but no clarity
when i look at the man who would be king
the man who would be king goes to the
desert to sing war his dad rehearsed
came back with flags on coffins and said
we won, oh, we won..."

'20 dollar nose bleed' by fall out boy

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Headline of the Day: "Goat detained over armed robbery"


LAGOS (Reuters) - Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.

Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa's most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

[via reuters]

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New Administration, New Rules. I'm Going To Submit These To Obama To Sign An Executive Order, STAT.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

dear president obama,

i believe congratulations are in order. you've inspired so many to hope, and as i am keenly aware, you are anxious to get right to work in the oval office. and on that note, i've compiled this list of executive orders for your perusal and signature at your earliest convenience.
NEW RULE #1: stop pop-up ads for classmates.com. there's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. because you don't particularly like them. besides, i already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

NEW RULE #2: don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. people are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of wendy's chili. hey, it costs less than a dollar. what did you expect it to contain? kobe beef? you're lucky it was only a thumb.

NEW RULE #3: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. here's how much us men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? okay, we're done.

NEW RULE #4: there's no such thing as flavored water. there's an entire aisle devoted to that crap at the grocery store. water, but without that watery taste. sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. and stop acting surprised that it's not packed with your daily dose of vitamins and minerals. you want flavored water? pour some grand marnier over ice and let it melt. now that's flavored water.

NEW RULE #5: the more complicated your starbucks order, the bigger the asshole you are. this has always been the case, but these days if i'm in need of caffeine bad enough to spring $5 for a cup of coffee, i'm not going to have much patience for your long-ass yuppie order. so if you walk into starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet n' low," you're a huge asshole. remember that.

NEW RULE #6: just because your tattoo has chinese characters in it doesn't make you "spiritual." it's right above the crack of your ass. and for all you know it translates to "beef with broccoli." the last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to god you weren't pregnant. you're not spiritual, you're probably just high. and on top of all that, the phone is ringing, it's 1999, they want their tattoo back.

NEW RULE #7: competitive eating is not a sport. it's one of the seven deadly sins. and it's funny how asians make fun of americans for being fattys and then they show up at the nathan's lips-and-ass eating contest and take the crown every year. espn even televises it now. because those "athletes" at the poker table are so 2008. what's next, competitive farting? oh wait, they're already doing that. it's called "the howard stern show."

NEW RULE #8: if you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the theater a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place, it's because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. and on top of that, there's also a reason that it used to be a television show.

NEW RULE #9: enough already with the gift registries. it used to be just for weddings. now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

NEW RULE #10: this one is long overdue: no more bathroom attendants. after i zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like i just had sex with george michael. and it's even worse when you can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. i don't want to be on your webcam, dude. i just want to wash my hands.

NEW RULE #11: when i ask how old your toddler is, i don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. he's not a cheese. and besides, i didn't really care in the first place.

NEW RULE #12: all americans should have the reserved right to stab anyone in the eye with an icicle that says, "cold enough for ya?" no asswipe, i actually prefer my testicles hiding behind my nipples while my snot freezes on my upper lip. and on that note, wanna make out?

thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

sincerely,

sir i. sweat butter III

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I Totally Want One Of These To Hang From My Rearview Mirror:

thank you for being a friend-ship bracelet via molls

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Tweet, Tweet...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

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Re: Absolutely

both of my sisters, unlike myself, seldom speak of their political affiliations. that is until this morning when my sister aurora posted this on her blog:
you go ro!

[via wildaurora]

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T Plus One [There's Hope]


india.arie

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Random Thought I Just Had:

i know i'm a month late, and you have probably already made a decision on it, but the new fall out boy record is PHENOMENAL.

exhibit a:


'20 dollar nose bleed'

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Burnt.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

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Happy Inauguration! [Musically Speaking]

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I Love Sleep... [Potent Quotables]

Monday, January 19, 2009

"I love sleep... my life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake."

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It's Far Too Soon...

WWW.FORGIVEGEORGE.COM IS FOR PUSSIES.

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Nothing is Original. [Potent Quotables]

[via toomuchawesome]

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Suck It, Peta.

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BREAKING NEWS: The Department of Karma

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's inauguration ceremony.

White House press secretary Dana Perino said Monday that Cheney was helping to move into his new home outside Washington in McLean, Va., when he injured his back.

His doctor recommended that he needed a wheelchair for the next couple of days.

[via msnbc]

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The Dream Realized.

One man had a dream.
That dream carried us all a long way.
It moved us forward.
It was a little light that nobody could keep from shining.
That dream lasted forty years and then some.
Then, as a country, we woke to find
it wasn't a dream at all.

For anyone who's ever had a dream
and anyone who's ever helped them realize it...

The Dream Realized.

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America: “Obama biro yawne yo! Obama biro yawne yo!”


'america's song' by will.i.am, david foster, faith hill, bono, seal & mary j. blige
CLICK HERE for free mp3 download via oprah.com


In 2006, Obama visited Kibera, Kenya, one of the worst slums in all of Africa. As he came to the village, children from the outskirts of town, seeing him approaching, turned and ran to the village center, chanting, “Obama biro yawne yo! Obama biro yawne yo!”

“Obama’s coming. Clear the way.”

[via dylan loewe, photo via gawker, mp3 via oprah]

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Musical Meme:

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it does not make sense.
4. Tag someone else
NO CHEATING!

How do you feel today? now that we found love - heavy d and the fat boys (i don't know about that)

What’s your outlook on life? help me - nick carter (i concur with this selection)

What does your family think of you? harvest moon - neil young (i doubt my family sees me this way, perhaps 'loser' by beck would be a better choice)

What do your friends think of you? the boy's gone - jason mraz (there is definite symbolism here)

What do strangers think of you? sweet caroline - angelo venuto (i got nothing...)

What do your exes think of you? cold as ice - foreigner (serious LOL)

How’s your love life? barbie girl - aqua (i can't get past my embarrassment of actually having this song in my itunes library)

How will your love life be in the future? beautiful people - the black eyed peas feat. macy gray (i hope so)

Will you get married? is there a ghost - band of horses (i can't find a correlation here, FAIL)

Are you good at school? angels - robbie williams (again, FAIL)

Will you be successful? 6th avenue heartache - the wallflowers feat. the counting crows (again, the truth comes out)

What song should they play on your birthday? high - james blunt (maybe back in the day, but unfortunately, no more)

What song should they play at your graduation? waiting for you - chromeo (sure, i guess i can see it)

The Soundtrack of your life? nine in the afternoon - panic at the disco (me feeling like nine o'clock is the middle of the afternoon has always been a problem)

You and your best friends are? cocaine habit - old crow medicine show (negative)

Happy times: wonder - freddy jones band (good call itunes, good call)

Sad times: floatin' - charlie wilson feat. will.i.am and justin timberlake (not a sad time at all, and i don't do 'breakup songs' which is where this song would most likely fit)

Every day: only human - jason mraz (check)

For tomorrow: house of the rising sun - led zeppelin (apropos of inauguration)

For you: a puro dolor - son by four (the best part about this is the fact that this is the spanglish version of the song, and my friend mike and i know ALL the words)

What does next year have in store for me? sleeping to dream - jason mraz (i appreciate sleep, and this song, very much)

What do I say when life gets too hard? billy - james blunt (there is a much deeper meaning of this song to me that i could never explain to anyone, just understand that this is probably the EPIC WIN of this whole meme)

What song will I dance to at my wedding? oh timbaland - timbaland (i seriously doubt that, unless eve wants to marry me)

What do you want as your career? jimi thing - dave matthews band (if i recall correctly, 'jimi thing' is about smoking a fat joint, which would make this the fourth drug reference in this post)

Your favorite saying? story of a girl - nine days (definitely not)

How will I die? naked and famous - the presidents of the united states of america (i promise you i didn't fake this, i will die naked and famous if i have any say in the situation)

my dearest spleeness, TAG, you're it.

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