Sunday, November 30, 2008
“many things—such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly—are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” -c.s. lewis
“many things—such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly—are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” -c.s. lewis
You do not “Fix” dinner.[via toomuchawesome]
You make dinner. You cook dinner. You prepare dinner.
It is not broken. You needn’t repair it.
8. Being late is a western concept
[via jaygrandin]Unless it’s referring to a menstrual cycle, lateness doesn’t seem to faze anyone here, any time… ever. 10am could as easily mean 9am or 1pm. Hakuna Matata. No worries. Enough said.
this letter is in response to "dear racist asshole" from a few weeks ago.
you found my phone, snooped through my text messages and decided i was a bigot. congratulations buddy! you've taken the first step towards eliminating racism!
i am not a racist; i am only guilty of having friends who tell stupid jokes. just like you, i don't have any control over what filth people send to my phone. i also had no say in my phone being stolen from my work, my privacy being invaded by a thief (that would be you), or having some ignorant fuck call me a racist. you are an asshole.
personally, i would have loved for you to have actually called my mom. not only would i have gotten my phone back, but she could have explained to you that we shed joyous tears together on november 5th. was it because we were mourning the loss of the white race? oh no. we are lifelong democrats and we are also black people. you've heard of black people, right? they're the ones you're righteously crusading for, you piece of shit. however, you may have never seen one up close all the way up there on your high horse.
also, way to lie about that "loving black cock" text message. a quick survey of my friends proved your story to be false. not only are you a thief, you're also a self-aggrandizing liar. stay classy!
judging from the comments left on the previous i, anonymous column, there are quite a few grumpy white people in town who are interested in punishing racists. (on a side note, are we really still having the debate about why it's okay for black people to say "cracker" but not okay for white people to say nigger? really?) just out of curiosity, where were all of you when washington state voters repealed affirmative action? what are you all doing on a daily basis to increase the number of african-americans who graduate from high school? or go on to higher education? oh, i'm sorry, i see you are all too busy passing judgment on me and my personal, private text messages to concern yourselves with actual racism.
-anonymous black person with no phone
A Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death early this morning during a Black Friday shopping stampede on Long Island. The man was a 34-year-old stockroom employee of the super store, who was trying to keep a bargain-crazed horde at bay. In the end they proved too strong for him.
"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said Jimmy Overby, 43, a co-worker. "They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too...I literally had to fight people off my back."
A 28-year-old pregnant lady was also knocked down in the frenzy. The good news is that most people got that cheap XBox that Ricky wanted, and the "My First Sex Scandal" karaoke microphone/dildo that Amber was desperate for. So the young man didn't die in vain.
Before police shut down the store, eager shoppers streamed past emergency crews as they worked furiously to save the store clerk's life.
"are you ready to sit at home eating leftovers and watching reruns? or catching up on blogs? then celebrate buy nothing day today! it's the day when lefties around the world celebrate being broke by abstaining from capitalism for a day and feeling superior, while the rich run wild on pre-christmas sales. it's a nice thought and many of you would probably theoretically support it, but, you know... sales. this year, however, the anarchist types have an extra incentive: nobody has any money to spend anyhow!"[adbusters via gawker]
Alaska Governor Marks Thanksgiving
In order to celebrate Thanksgiving, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued what she called "my list of thankfulnesses":
The first thankfulness being that I'm thankful for this turkey, and also too for the metal funnel thingy that cut the turkey's head clean off while it was flapping its wings trying to get out and all. That was fun.
The next thankfulness being that I'm thankful that Levi is going to marry our Bristol, and I'm hoping also that we'll know soon what his location is.
Another thankfulness too being that I'm thankful for Sen. Ted Stevens, because compared to what he did and all it doesn't seem like a big deal if you tried to get some dumb old trooper fired.
My next thankfulness being I have thankfulness for our President-elect Barack Obama, and proudness, too, even though he probably is spending Thanksgiving palling around with Bill Ayres and Osama bin Laden and the Unabomber also.
A darned important thankfulness being I'm sure thankful that when the lawyers from the RNC came to take back all of that clothing they didn't check under Piper's bed. Good job, Piper!
And my last thankfulness, which I saved for last because it is the most important thankfulness, would be the turkey again also. I'm thankful that God created turkeys with so many tiny little bones in them and also too I hope Katie Couric chokes on one.
thanksgiving's word of the day:
vegetarian (noun) - a bad hunter. someone who survives by consuming not food, but the stuff that food eats.[via urbandictionary]
the vegetarian was forced to subsist on slower prey, such as the broccoli and carrot.
right about this time last year, i was in the midst of what i thought was something of a quarterlife crisis. i was sure that i had hit rock bottom and that there was nowhere to go but up. now as i sit here, i wonder what my life would be like if what i know now, i knew then.
if i had to narrow it down, i'd say that about 15 minutes of the hour long 'christmas special' was actually entertaining. sam was sitting on the couch (reading, of all things, that vegan-vampire book) making fun of me for watching it. after the mildly funny opening song, it was painful to watch for a while. elvis costello doesn't do much for me, feist should stick to singing counting songs, and although i love jon stewart, when he and colbert get together, it's like hanging out with friends who constantly refer to inside jokes that no one else gets.
even with all of its non-joyous moments, it was worth watching for two reasons:
willie "the 4th wiseman" nelson singing about bringing what else, but weed, to the manger-
growing up, the word 'pie' at the holidays meant one of three things: apple, pumpkin and mincemeat (which my sisters and i avoided like the plague). thanksgiving and christmas always consisted of those three pies, occasionally there would be some variation, like using two types of apples in one pie or using pumpkin out of a jar instead of a can. yes folks it was that exciting. hold your applause. it wasn't until i took over cooking the holiday grub that we started switching it up. now, although i tend to keep one classic on every holiday (NEVER the mincemeat), i tend to mix things up
a bit a lot. this holiday season, don't be boring. make one of these delicious alternatives for the fam. (maybe save the mincemeat for the in-laws?!?) link to recipe under each photo.
Finance a successful attack on a small but vocal minority group...[via slog, queerty]
...and win shitloads of brand new enemies—totally free!
Before Prop 8, I don't think most homos really gave two shits about the Mormon church. We knew it sucked to be born gay and raised Mormon—and that's how it works, people, in that born/raised order—but that's true for most faiths that gay people are born into. Most of us have the sense to flee gay-hating faiths; a few of us are stupid enough to succumb to the bullshit and self-hatred that are, for gay people, the cost of admission to a host of imaginary heavens. But before Prop 8 we were content to leave Mormons the hell alone so long as they left us—those of us lucky to be raised in some other faith, or lucky enough to have escaped with our sanity intact—the hell alone. The old deal worked like this: the LDS could torment poor Mormon gay kids and pathetic, closeted adult gay Mormons, but it had to leave openly gay grownups who aren't Mormon or are no longer Mormon at peace. But, nope, they couldn't leave us the hell alone and now things have changed for Magic Underpants, Inc.
UPDATE: And, yes, this matters—even Margaret Cho's silly little fauxlk song matters. Magic Underpants, Inc., doesn't like scrutiny or being mocked. And they like it less than other faiths, since much of what passes for Mormon beliefs is 1. easily disproved (more easily disproved than the tenets of other, older faiths), and 2. completely ridiculous. And the more other Christians know about about what the Mormons believe, the less inclined they are to view Mormons as Christians. Best of luck in 2012, Mitt.
i'll need to fix this, because it's seems as if some VIP douchenozzles have been left off of the express. most notably tom cruise, elisabeth hasselbeck, jay leno, w, and spencer pratt. perhaps i need to work my photoshop magic...
Bacon Cappuccino. “Cappuccino of sweet potatoes, carrots and bacon.” It’s like V8 for coffee and bacon lovers!
MARGZ: Do you mix tartar sauce and ketchup together to dip your french fries in?
ME: no, that's gross. people in these parts mix mayo and ketchup for fries, but i don't do that either. i like my heinz straight-up.
MARGZ: It's delicious, you are missing out. You just don't even know.
ME: after i sent that last comment, i started singing paula abdul at the top of my lungs!!! "straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever whoa whoa whoa..."
MARGZ: Did you wake anyone up, or did they not find that sort of behavior unusual?
ME: i'm here by myself. but i am prone to random lyrical outbursts, so if someone was here, they wouldn't think anything of it.
MARGZ: Where is everyone? No one is here either. My hot lover went to the bar with his man-friend.
ME: i don't know. everyone that i know is out throwing eggs at all the toolboxes that are waiting in line in the freezing cold to go watch that stupid peta-friendly vampire movie.
MARGZ: Why are they waiting in line? This is 2008, buy your tickets online, duh. It really is a good film. I want everyone to see it so I can talk about it. Right now I just have to hold it all in. So how are your late 20's treating you anyways? You are almost over the hill.
ME: they're about as exciting as a hycolonic in tijuana.
MARGZ: Well, Tijuana is fun at least!!
ME: i've come to a realization that the last five years of my life have been kind of boring. i've decided that by the time i turn 30, i want to be cool again.
MARGZ: I think when you turn 30, you should become cool again as well. (My cats are about to kill each other, I just heard one of them screaming somewhere far away in my mansion.)
ME: i still have cool in me, i just temporarily misplaced it. and i need to find it before i end up as a roadie for the backstreet boys or something.
MARGZ: You will be cool again. And actually, I believe these days it's the Jonas Brothers you will be a roadie for.
ME: i would rather scrape gum off an old lady's dentures than have anything to do with the jonas brothers. for the record.
even where bacon is concerned, there is a line. and this dude crossed it.[via allnewyear]
from a 90 minute commentversation that i just had on myspace with my friend margz:
ME: canned cranberry sauce on thanksgiving: smooth or chunky?more highlights tomorrow. or today. or whatever. let's just say "when i wake up" and move on.
MARGZ: Either or. I do like the can shape that the creamy kind comes out as. I think it's neat.
ME: the can shape is neat. i was sure that you were going to say "chunky." chunky cranberry sauce makes me wanna rub poop on the walls.
...but still uber-cool. from
"a man caught near nobbys (how appropriately named) beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh (that's only 20 mph) car chase...police drew their weapons when they suspected keith weatherley...was armed (with a "pistol"). instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar...attracted attention...in a no-stopping zone...police believed weatherley was doing something with his hands (no doubt, he was) in his lap...saw the police and drove away...the chase lasted 5 to 10 minutes...he refused to leave the car. four officers used batons and capsicum (how convenient) spray to remove him. they found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling." a search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a jack russell terrier...when asked why he behaved the way he did. he said he resisted police because he was "trying to make himself decent." (...and avoid getting blue-balled)"[sydneymorningherald via slog]
this year, we’ve learned that nothing is too big to fail. yes, in dire economic times—and in certain circumstances—even america's favorite
sweatshop shitshow, walmart, can go under. but what happens to the giant, empty buildings that the company leaves behind?
word on the street is that they become churches. or spam museums. or go-cart racetracks. who knew?
"Big-box buildings are the large, free-standing, warehouselike structures that have become dominant in the American landscape, constructed by one-stop-shopping retailers, grocers, and category-killers. Hundreds of new big-box buildings are built each year—and hundreds are vacated. Resourceful communities are finding ways to reuse these buildings, turning them into flea markets, museums, schools, even churches." [Read More][slate via good]
...candied maple bacon.
in case you don't get to look at enough of my ugly mugg on these here internets, i highly recommend you pick up a copy of seth godin's new book, Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us, from amazon or a bookstore near you. in it, not only will you get a sexy picture of my face on the dust jacket, but you'll also enjoy the newest literary gem by the marketing genius that is, seth godin.
[buy 'tribes' on amazon]
The wonderfully creative folks at PETA have come up with a new way to try to make you rethink your meat-eating ways: trying to ruin the best meal of the year. In a parody of the obscure Wii game Cooking Mama’s Cookoff (only the hardcore Wii fans will be familiar with this absurdity), you pull the feathers off a turkey, then remove its organs and stuff it with a disgusting gray goo. The problem, of course, is that the audience PETA is ostensibly trying to reach (the dastardly meat eaters) have probably seen a turkey before, and it is not the scabbed, rotting bird filled with malodorous goop. Instead, the meat eaters know that it is a delicious, golden bird filled with scrumptious stuffing. So while the facts that PETA displays between game screens—about turkeys fed with so many hormones so that they can’t stand up because their breasts are too large—are chilling, trying to disgust us with obviously exaggerated meat cartoons just undermines the argument. You’re going to have to do something to convince me to give up the deliciousness, not try to convince me, against all experience, that it is not, in fact, delicious.
Play the game, which is slightly fun for a second, here.
i briefly mentioned the news of mtv's trl being cancelled a few weeks ago, but now it's official. the 3 hour finale aired yesterday, and it was quite nostalgic. i didn't realize, until i watched it last night, how much i used to watch that show. when they showed all of their 'best of' clips and moments of the past 10 years, i realized, i had already seen them all. i am a product of the mtv/trl generation and i am not embarassed to say it. and although i haven't watched trl (save, for the last week) in a few years, i'm going to miss knowing that it's there. (which also makes me wonder, when high school kids in jersey cut school, where are the going to go now?)
and with that, ladies and gentlemen, music videos are officially dead on the original mtv...
...i'm just realizing that now.
but this is how justin timberlake and beyonce saved snl last night...
because paul rudd was a dud. and i had such high hopes. of course, the funniest skit of the night, justin, andy, and the new guy dancing with beyonce to 'single ladies,' probably won't make it onto the net because beyonce's record label sucks. but i'm sure they will be rerunning it the saturday after next. prepare your tivo...
i'm the one who found your lost cell phone on the street. my first instinct was to find out who it belonged to and return it, to do my good samaritan deed. it wasn't password protected, so i looked around on it to find some identifying information. that's when i found all of your election-day text messages between you and your other racist buddies. here's just a small sample of what you were passing around: "did you hear that hallmark has a new obama presidential christmas ornament? now everyone can hang that nigger from a tree." and "the white house is now tearing out its rose garden and replacing it with a watermelon patch." and those were the mild ones...
bless you, you white supremacist fuck! nearly two weeks after the election, i couldn't have found a better celebratory gift! i texted everyone in your contacts with this message: "i admit it, my racism is a sham! the truth is that i love black cock in my mouth or up my ass, it doesn't matter, it all makes me blow my load!"
i figure a racist like you is probably also homophobic, so i'm sure you have some explaining to do to your chums. out of decency, i didn't text your mom. even she doesn't deserve to know what a racist piece of shit her son is.
by the way, i also enjoyed the photos of your girlfriend, her tits, your car (with it's license plate clearly legible, so you might want to park that in a safe place for awhile), your skull tattoos, and your drug paraphernalia.
you might want to password protect your next phone. i took a lot of pleasure in beating this one to death with a hammer. (obama probably wouldn't approve because he's a decent, upstanding guy. me, not so much.)
you really are an asshole.
the worse things get in america, the lower the quality of the meat we're willing to consume. hormel's favorite "pasteurized, processed, meat-style product," spam is preparing to survive the recession quite well, says the new york times. yet as real spam flies off the shelves, profits from virtual spam are on the decline. tasty (that's debatable), salty, injected-with-something spam is slighter better than having to delete an unwanted e-mail from your inbox, you have to admit.
the minnesota factory is working seven days a week to churn out the product that even someone unemployed can afford and enjoy:
"people are realizing it’s not that bad a product," said dan johnson, 55, who operates a 70-foot-high spam oven. ...because it is vacuum-sealed in a can and does not require refrigeration, spam can last for years. hormel says "it’s like meat with a pause button."the benefits aren't limited to hormel employees — the times is more than willing to patronize the people who buy it. we'll guess that the fact-checker didn't exactly call a wal-mart in cleveland to check this detail:
a rising segment of the public, it seems, does have a taste for spam, which is available in several varieties, including spam low sodium, spam with cheese and spam hot & spicy. james bate, a 48-year-old sausage maker, was buying it at wal-mart in cleveland recently. not only was it cheap, but he said it brought back fond memories of his grandfather’s making him spam sandwiches. "you can mix it with tomatoes and onions and make a good meal out of it,” he said. "a little bit of this stuff goes a long way."although at $3.20 a pound, spam isn't that cheap, but it lasts forever and requires substantially less preparation than anything short of popcorn. and since there's no waste, you can save the money to buy that $65 spam costume you've always wanted...
i cannot stop watching this video. everytime she talks about crocodiles or hippos, it makes me smile from ear to ear. we can now thank the french for something other than frites...