9 Easy Steps to the Perfect Halloween...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Halloween costume parties are my favorite parties of the year, because I am a pragmatist. The entire point of a party is to talk to new people, always an awkward endeavor. But on Halloween, the task becomes much easier; everyone is wearing a conversation piece. Of course, if you are already in a relationship, you don't have to bother yourself with such elaborate schemes. You can go as a "crappy t-shirt owner" and you've still got someone to go home with when the evening is over. Or just ditch the party altogether and rent a horror flick and eat pumpkin pie. Here's a Halloween-themed activity, why don't you just go to Hell?

For the rest of us, I present nine easy steps to the perfect Halloween costume:

[9] High concept but not immediately evident: If you are a robot, and you look like a robot, there's really not much to talk about. "Robot, eh?" "Yup. I'm a robot. Meep-Boink." "Bye." The ideal costume creates a sense of mystery. The more convoluted the costume, the longer the conversation. The desire to know what you are supposed to be should be strong enough to overcome the great void that separates all people. Why not try some eyeliner?

[8] Be extremely good looking: A few years ago, I had the perfect costume: a mirror. People asked me what I was, and I'd just tell them what they were. Get it? It was witty, fun, easy to make (Ingredients: one mirror) and led straight into great conversation. Plus it attracted all the vain and self-absorbed people, who are, by their very nature, more cool. But the costume revealed its limitations five minutes later, when my brand new friends were stolen away by two gorgeous German men wearing Hefty Cinch Sacks. "It is, how you say... postmodern." That was the night I learned that in order to attract people at Halloween parties, you should be extremely good looking.

[7] Don't wear a mask: Wear some antenna or a funny hat. Put on some makeup if you must. But never wear a costume that includes a mask. There's a saying "the face is the window to the soul." It's also the part of your body you use for such party-related essentials as drinking, talking and vomiting. Don't cover it up. (If you aren’t extremely good looking then go ahead, wear a mask.)

[6] No Cowboys: All the other lame dudes at the party will be dressed as cowboys, just like they did every year since they were eight. Even the most slaved-over, handmade, authentic down-home cowboy costume is lame. Don't do it.

[5] Prostitutes are okay: The prostitute costume is just as hackneyed and lame as the cowboy costume. Nevertheless, it's somehow fine by me, ladies.

[4] Your costume should work with you, not against you: You may have labored for hours to create the perfect facsimile of the Kool Aid Man and, when partygoers are chanting, "Hey, Kool Aid" ad nauseam you'll think you're the life of the party. For a time. But fast forward three hours and you're bumping into walls, completely incapable of drinking or urinating and sweating like a pig in a prison of your own design. Remember, "kool" as he may be, the Kool Aid Man never gets laid.**

[3] No Ghosts: Every year, millions of Americans think they have an easy solution to the costume party dilemma; they throw a white sheet over their head, cut out some eye holes and... Bingo, they're a ghost. DON'T DO IT. People go to parties to have fun, not to be terrified out of their goddamn minds. Ghosts are some serious shit. They're fucking scary and you could seriously give someone a heart attack. It just isn’t worth the risk.

[2] Be cool: Just because you dressed like a pirate doesn't mean you have to say things like "Get me an ale, me matey, or ye be walkin' the plank." If you do, no one will like you. Don't act like your costume. Just be cool.

[1] No backwards baseball caps: This is sound advice 365 days a year.

** This is doubly true of Mayor McCheese & Giant Boxes of Wine. (Trust me, I know.)

There you go, it's just that simple.



Raisins and/or Pennies = Eggs and/or Toilet Paper, Next Year. [PSA] [From the Archives]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

{Originally Posted on 10/30/08 on isweatbutter.com} ...at least that's how we used to judge houses. it's funny how twelve months would go by, in a neighborhood that you're only in once a year, yet you remember the houses with the sweetest scores. likewise, we always remembered the pennies and raisins houses. they'd get a visit from us the following mischief night. (because that'll teach 'em.)

the 10 worst non-candy items that you could possibly give me on halloween, and the consequences of doing so
(in no particular order)

pennies: who gives out pennies on halloween night!? i wouldn’t complain if it was a dollar, but pennies just don’t go as far as they used to. first of all, it is NOT CANDY! second of all, there are no "penny candy" shops anymore. 1960 called, they want their halloween "treat" back...

apples: also, NOT CANDY! that’s healthy stuff, save your apples for your pie. it's true that there have been a couple of documented razorblade in the apple cases, and that is enough for me to stay away from them. besides, this is the night for trick-or-treating, and if you hand out an apple, it is likely to end up in your flower garden or on your roof. no joke.

raisins: nope. Uh-uh. NOT going in my mouth on halloween. unless, of course, they are covered in chocolate. let's review: raisinettes, GOOD. raisins, BAD.

advice: "look both ways before crossing the street," should have already been beaten into my head by my parents. that is not your job as the person who is giving me delicious treats! if i want advice, i'll call doctor phil. advice, once again, is NOT CANDY.

canned food: a can of sugar beets or candied yams might seem great to some people, but don't let the words "sugar" or "candied" fool you, at the end of the day, you're still attempting to pawn off your expired cans of VEGETABLES. canned vegetables ARE NOT a good "treat" to give to trick-or-treaters, mostly because they're likely to end up through a car window somewhere on your block. and your neighbors will most likely suspect YOU.

stickers: yeah, spongebob or superman stickers may be cool, but nobody wants them on halloween. now if you want to give a piece of candy AND a sticker, that’s fine, but don’t give just a sticker. if you do, expect to find in on the hood of your beemer.

coupons: even coupons for free stuff are no good. free wendy’s frosties or free mcdonald’s french fries are normally good, but a kid wants the instant satisfaction of candy. with a coupon you have to remember to take them in the car, and then convince your parents to stop by to get you something free. most of the time the coupons expire before you can use them anyway. and besides fast food will make you fat, candy won't is delicious. just SAY NO to coupons.

a toothbrush: yeah, yeah. we all know we should brush our teeth. we don’t need to get that message drilled into us by our neighbors too. refer to the sticker rule here, all you toothbrush-givers of america: toothbrush, BAD. toothbrush AND candy, GOOD.

little bags of microwave popcorn: anything that requires the use of a 1000 watt kitchen appliance SHOULD NOT be given to kids on halloween. do i really need to go into anymore detail on this one folks?

homemade anything: i don’t care if your cookies won blue ribbons at the county fair or your popcorn balls are the talk of the town, DON'T put them in my halloween bag. the parents won’t let us eat anything homemade anyway and your homemade treats will end up getting tossed in the trash or your yard. so save your time and money and just buy a big ass bag of candy from shitmart walmart.

i just found this question on wikianswers, which i found quite comical, and had to screencap it. (my guess is that it was answered by one of the "old people" in question, who else says 'frugality?')


Searching for the Meaning of Life... [via Text Message]

Monday, October 11, 2010

Yup, this just happened.

ME: NEVER go camping with a chick who's menstruating. Bears can smell it. You'll get mauled.

NJ: Danke. How you doin?

ME: Grand. WTF have you been up to? Working like a Guatamalan dishwasher?

NJ: More like a Peruvian one, but all the same. I've been good. Searching for the meaning of life and going to lots of sporting events.

ME: Perhaps you'll find the meaning of life in the parking lot at the Meadowlands. Big things happen there.

NJ: Yea, like flea markets.

ME: And killer ferris wheels.

NJ: That's it! I will sell miniature killer ferris wheels at a local flea market next weekend!

ME: I'm glad I could help.


Friday, September 03, 2010


BREAKING NEWS: Unicorn Carcass Found in Provincetown, MA. Autopsy photos reveal our suspicions were correct.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Too Old To Tweet. [But Thank You Anyway]

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

i don't fit the mold.

i also don't wear a size small t-shirt.

and lord knows, i have no filter.

mtv just announced the final two tj candidates.

i had high hopes after seeing the profiles of the first 18 that they announced; i could out-tweet all of them with no thumbs & a blackberry, all while giving pre-surgery star jones a piggyback ride...

instead, they chose a lesbian that looks like justin bieber and a boricua that's addicted to the hills.

in any case, THANK YOU for all of your nominations via twitter and facebook.

and for constantly harassing the @mtvtj twitter account with every reason you could think of as to why they should pick me.

let's face it, mtv's just not ready for this jelly...


Comment of Comments...

Saturday, July 03, 2010

My Facebook Status This Morning:

I'm trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.
And The Comment Of The Year Award Goes To:
Just tell them you need to "relocate" them to a picnic table on the other side of the lake, "temporarily." Then let them operate slot machines and sell tax free cigarettes from their new picnic table!


Letters for Lyrics [Support Our Troops]

Check out 'Letters for Lyrics' HERE.


Overheard at Barnes & Noble...

Friday, July 02, 2010

After a childish spat with my other half the other night, I found myself sunken in a germ ridden chair at my local Barnes & Noble. Although I was attempting to knock out a few chapters of 'Medium Raw,' I found it difficult due to my close proximity to the cafe's seating area. Hipster after hipster sat next to me to slurp down their $8 latte-chino-machiatos. And all I could do was eavesdrop. It was as if a complete stranger wasn't sitting two feet away from them, tweeting their every word...

The following is the fruit of my eavesdropping endeavors. All of which I was tweeting, as it happened, with the hashtag #OverheardAtBarnesAndNoble:

"His penis was like a stale banana." -60ish year old woman to her much younger friend

"I'm tired of predominantly black men walking around with their asses hanging out. I don't want to see your ass unless I'm crawling into bed with it." -Same 60ish year old lady to her now obviously bored friend

"I don't know what's worse, that she has her 'poosy' pierced or that she's wearing capri pants." -Bored friend talking about another "friend" in the cafe line

"He makes his life harder because he can't keep it in his pants." -60ish year old lady talking about her son

At this point, the oldies left and a trio of blonde college tarts sat down to flip through their CosmoGirl Mags and sip their skinny lattes...

"Whatever, I'm sure John Mayer has gotten way more girls than The Situation has." -Debate Team Captain

"There's a girl in my Chinese class named 'Young,' but it's spelled D-U-N-G. She's Asian." -Captain Obvious

"Why does gas cost $2.47 9/10 per gallon? Are we supposed to carry around pieces of pennies?" -Dipshit in B&N

"What's Lupus?" "Lupus is an auto-immune disease. You would know that if you watched House." -MD Candidate, 2012

"I'm judging Cameron Diaz for being in that movie with Tom Cruise. He's a tool."

"I like 'Sarah, Plain & Tall." "You would."

"It's not called Chat Roulette, it's called Chat Roolay."

"I prefer Jumpers to Rompers."

Next came the pair of Yuppie Moms with their jogging strollers and Volvo keys...

"I've never had to use lube in my life. I'm just naturally wet. It's more comfortable. You should be jealous."

"I have this eerie feeling that there's someone watching me and licking their lips."

And with that, I left.

Follow me on Twitter HERE.


[Potent Quotables]

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Are you in church? You better not be texting me from church. I've already got a one-way ticket to Hell, I don't need you getting my ticket upgraded to First Class." -Me via Text Message at 11am


Donate $10 With One Click. And It Won't Cost You Sh*t.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

My Personal Friend, Ed Baker, is competing with a team of coworkers in The Cuervo Games in Tempe, Arizona. In order for his team to make it to the competition, they must rack up votes on Facebook. Ed and his team are pledging to raise $10 for each vote cast, to go to The Tempe Community Action Agency**, if their team gets enough votes to compete.

It won't cost you a dime and will only take a minute of your time to VOTE.



**The Tempe Community Action Agency is a Non-Profit Organization based in Tempe, Arizona that provides Emergency Assistance to Children, Families & the Elderly.


DMV: Don't Mess VVith-the-80's?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I just had this highly amusing conversation via text message with my Madonna-loving, fashionista-friend, Jill; Who spent her morning at the one, the only, New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicle (or whatever it is that they call it these days).

J: I think everyone who works at the New Jersey MVA jumped directly out of the 80s.

Me: WTF is the MVA? The DMV?

J: Yea, that's what they call it now.

Me: Well, from what I heard, it's still 1989 in the DMV. There's a HUGE line to get into the new millennium. Take a number and have a seat.

J: This woman helping me has on a jean jacket with multi-colored velvet pieces sewn on it and high waisted acid-washed jeans with huge zippers. Oh, and a BIGASS velvet BOW in her hair. Is she for real?

Me: I don't know, that sounds pretty hot to me.

J: I tried to take a picture for you but the tiny Asian kid behind me, trying to get his permit, was on to me.

See Also: "The DMV: Parental Discretion Is Advised..."


Sometimes I Crack Myself Up...

Friday, March 12, 2010


"BALLET: The preferred dance of preteen girls, gay dudes & rich white people." -Jimmy Fallon


The Complete, Chronological, Abridged Oscars...

Sunday, March 07, 2010

So I didn't get home in time to live tweet the Oscars, and after fast forwarding through them on the TiVo, I'm almost glad that I missed them... That was a painful 3 hours, but here are my much sought after observations in chronological order...

- That was the most uncomfortable Red Carpet that I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen celebrities not want to talk as much as they did not want to talk to Kathy "Charlie Horse" Ireland and Sherri "Awkward Silence" Shepherd.

- Dear ABC, Neil Patrick Harris was funnier when he was on CBS. Nice try though.

- Steve & Alec, FTW.

- Why is Zac Efron still relevant?

- Inglourious Basterds is the most overrated movie of all time.

- Miley Cyrus looked like a whore in her negligee-esque dress.

- T-Bone Burnett needs to fire his stylist and hire a tailor.

- Based on that clip of 'District 9,' that movie should have won an Oscar for biggest waste of film stock.

- Molly Ringwald looked like she was tweeking. And like she was brutally raped by Father Time.

- Can someone please let Samuel L. know that Kangol hats went out with LA Gears?

- Once again, Steve & Alec, FTW.

- Ben Stiller is increasingly unfunny.

- I love Queen Latifah, but she laughs like a truck driver with a two pack-a-day habit.

- Mo'nique. 'Nuff said.

- Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. Tonight, she looked like a horse wearing a chandelier from a funeral home.

- Kinkos just called looking for jLo, they need some of the bubblewrap back that wrapped her ginormous hips in.

- I've said it before and I'll say it again... The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers needs to get rid of the chicks. They bring down their performance.

- Fcuk 'Avatar.'

- Kathy Bates looked strangely like Ruby's left thigh.

- And finally, 10 is way too many.


2010 is going to be my year.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

I decided that soon after the miserable holidays that I "celebrated" last year. After all, I've been in the shit long enough, haven't I? I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of being unhappy. So in 2010, I decided that on top of continuing my endless quest for a job that pays actual money, I was going to be happy. Even if that means broke and happy, it's happiness that's important.

In order to accomplish this feat, I made a few attainable resolutions to myself, the first of which is to blog more often. I mean seriously, look around, this place is about as up-to-date as Sarah Palin's closet in a non-election year. So, like Tiger Woods, I've gotta get on top of that. Let's call this "one small step for man, and one giant leap for Butter." (And don't judge me for referring to myself in third person by my twitter handle.)

I also resolved to myself that I need to start getting out more. Between weekend trips to DC and my new found sport(?!?) Of GeoCaching, I've been fulfilling this resolution just fine. I'm hoping to visit all of the DC museums before the year's end, but I'd be happy with 50%. As for the GeoCaching, which for those of you that don't know, is essentially using billion dollar government satellites to find Tupperware hidden in the woods, it has kept me busy and exploring parts of Virginia that I otherwise would have ignored. (And Toasty likes it too.)

I also realized that there are a few important people in my life that I need to reconnect with. My small family is one of those "people." It's rough sometimes and I don't know that I'll ever be able to check this one off my list, because just like children, when it comes to family, you can't live with 'em and you can't shoot 'em.

My old pals from my Rhode Island days, Kelly & Monica, have been at the top of my "need to reconnect with asap" list for about 3 years now. Due to the circumstances of being a hippie, I never thought it would happen, but Kelly finally joined Facebook and we got back in touch about two weeks ago. You know how you can really tell who your good friends are? Vanish from each other's lives for 5 years and then get back together with them; if it feels like no time has gone by, you're golden. And I've got to say, as much as it blew losing touch, staying up watching the Olympics until 4am and drinking PBRs with good friends and a 20 pound cat never felt so right. Mission Accomplished. Next on that list: Theresa, Toni & Karbo.

Unfortunately this process has not been all good. In the process of knocking out some lines of my Two-Thousand-Ten-Do-List, I've been less than reliable when it comes to answering my cell and returning calls.

Believe it or not, that was one of my big ideas too. It's a pretty simple one: Answer the fcuking phone when people call you. I think to myself, 'If people are taking time out of their schedule to call you, you who has no job or pressing appointments, pause the motherfcuking DVR and answer the phone.' I just realized how bad I am with this, as I got angry typing that last sentence. I'll work on that, I promise.

Well it's 3am and my thumbs feel like they're about to fall off my sweaty palms after typing this entire blog post on my BlackBerry, so I'll bid you adieu, for now.

Until next time, America...


Truth. Be. Told.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

[toothpastefordinner via spleeness]


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