[Your Morning Coffee]

Saturday, February 28, 2009


"tomorrow still come" by will dailey
the brew dujour:
Special Reserve Colombian Flor de Cauca- These beans have an amazing aroma of chocolate, black cherries and a hint of amaretto. Brewed, this is an incredibly smooth Columbian blend. It's perfectly roasted and balanced. I highly recommend it.

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Superstition [Listen-up]

the awesomest (yes, that is a word) part of this song is the fact that there is no one else playing an instrument off camera. the whole sound that you are hearing is all being played at once by this dude. it's called fingerstyle, and i want to learn it.


www.adamrafferty.com

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I'm Gonna Go Out On A Limb Here And Call This, "The Direct Result Of Child Abuse."

Friday, February 27, 2009

[click here to watch the clip]

"being a conservative pundit is so easy, even a 13-year-old could do it" via gawker

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NCIS v. The Real NCIS

i don't know anyone else that watches ncis on cbs, but it's one of the shows that i watch every week.

yesterday i found out that on the discovery id channel, they were premiering a show called the real ncis, so i was psyched.

then i watched it. for the record, i think we should leave the reality to the real world. 'the fake' ncis is much more entertaining.

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Call Mr. Webster, It's Time To Make A Donation To His Dictionary...



Fuckeduplets.
noun, plural: multiple babies born to a single, unemployed looney tune of a mother.


[via slog]

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I Pledge Allegiance, To The Slab...

...of the Carnivorous States of America.
[via itsallaboutthebacon]

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As I Cower With My Tail Between My Legs...

last august i wrote THIS post about new books that you shouldn't bother reading. included on that list was 'i hope they serve beer in hell' by tucker max.* a week later, someone sent me a copy with a post-it note on the the cover that said nothing more than, "you're going to love this!" it's been in the back of my car ever since.

two weeks ago i was in barnes & noble looking for a new book to read and asked the cute bookrista if she had any recommendations. after explaining that i enjoyed the sarcastic wit of david sedaris and augusten burroughs, but had already read all of their books, she recommended that i read tucker max. she continued, "he's like david sedaris before he quit smoking, meets an immature augusten burroughs." that, my friends, sounded good to me. so i left. and when i got home i dug the paperback out of the back of my car and started reading.

four chapters in, i realized that it had been a really long time since i had laughed that hard while reading a book. i'm still not finished with it, and it's getting even better page by page.

*[don't bother squinting to read this, it's not that important.] ok, so i was wrong. it's a good book. fuck it, it's a great book. hell, i may even go see the movie. the blow from admitting that i was wrong seems less severe if i write it in smaller font and hide it in the footnote. so that's what i'm doing.

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How Do We Feel About The Term 'Twat Waffle'? [Syn: Douchenozzle]



i think i like it.

[nymag]

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Shoot. Me. Now.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I thought maybe if I blogged this, someone from hp that speaks english might call me...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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Comcast, For The WIN! [Twitterific]

we've been having problems with our phone/interet/cable for weeks now. last week we scheduled an appointment for this past monday, for which no one ever showed up. yesterday, sam called to make another appointment because i know how i get when i deal with the cable company. the earliest available date for service? MONDAY! wtf, right? so this morning, the internet wasn't working before noon, which has lately been the case, and having not slept (and sans coffee), i twittered this:eleven minutes later, i got this: (to be read from the bottom up)fast forward to 2:16pm... comcast man rolls up in my driveway, spends 40 minutes f'n with wires and such and fixes EVERYTHING.

so for those of you that don't believe in twitter, you better recognize.

and comcastbill, you're my hero.

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"Everyone Wants To Get Shit On By Don Rickles." --Sarah Silverman

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These Cracks Are Pretty For Real...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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Guns Don't Kill Animals, Palins Do

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

i sent this article from salon to my mom:

Just in case you thought Sarah Palin only hated polar bears, wolves and moose, she's now suing the federal government to stop it from protecting the Cook Inlet beluga whales as an endangered species.
to which she so eloquently responded:
"She's a fucking idiot... They ought to make it open season on Palins."

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I Was Called An "Idiotic Liberal" When I Made The Admittedly Blatant Generalization That Republicans Preferred The Anti-Social Aspect Of Facebook...

...style "social networking" to myspace's put-all-your-business-out-there-and-let-the-world-judge-you style. but now i have some proof. (it might not be great proof, but it is proof nonetheless.) this facebook sponsored research poll just popped up on my facebook profile, and after choosing "both," i got these results:

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Today in FAIL [Mormon Sex Toys]

this is how mormons get away with buying sex toys without being judged. dildo or "E.T. finger light"? you decide.[via failblog]

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I Was Watching The Amazing Race On Tivo Last Night And Realized That This Poor Woman(?) Has The Worst. Name. Ever.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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Re: Slumdog at the Oscars

[via twitter]

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[Your Morning Coffee]

Sunday, February 22, 2009


"build me up buttercup" by sam dearmond
the brew dujour:
caribou coffee k-cups from green mountain- from daybreak to french roast, from sumatra to mahogany; 8 caribou coffee roasts are now available in k-cups from green mountain coffee!

CARIBOU K-CUPS NOW AVAILABLE!

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[Your Morning Coffee]

Saturday, February 21, 2009


"here without you" by 3 doors down & sara evans
the brew dujour:
caribou coffee k-cups from green mountain- from daybreak to french roast, from sumatra to mahogany; 8 caribou coffee roasts are now available in k-cups from green mountain coffee!

CARIBOU K-CUPS NOW AVAILABLE!

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The Economy.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

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The World Is Going To Shit.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

smithfield, the world's biggest pork processor, will close 6 plants and lay off 1,800. i know saying that every little thing is a sign of the apocalypse is a horrible cliche, but i know something about the topic, and when you can't make money selling bacon we're all in trouble. [bloomberg]

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Hey Ya'll, I Just Found This Sweet Shirt On Paula Deen's Website!

www.pauladeen.com

paula and me at toast to the coast, atlantic city, 2007

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Is There Really Such Thing As A "Bad" Lifetime Movie? [Potent Quotables]


Why does my life resemble that of a bad Lifetime movie about what young girls shouldn't do?" --electa, reacting to a long string of reminiscent emails between a bunch of old friends

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"Jews for Jesus" in the WalMart Parking Lot.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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My Life Has Reached A New Low...

Monday, February 16, 2009


...i was just fired via instant message.

"professionalism" at its best!

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Home Remedies From My Gmail Inbox:

1. AVOID CUTS WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A SIMPLE MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

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The President's Day Cupcake Mosaic Extravaganza!

yes, these are cupcakes. pretty cool looking, but they're still cupcakes; so they probably still taste like dry-ass cake dust in typical cupcake fashion.

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY!

[check out more pics of the progress of the mosaic via cakewrecks]

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Presidential Leadership Survey [#36? That's a Little Generous, No?]

[cspan via nbcnightlynews]

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Because the Story About the 13 Year Old Daddy Wasn't Disturbing Enough, Now There's a 16 Year Old Saying He's the "Baby Daddy" [Time to Call Maury]

Sunday, February 15, 2009

so i find this situation to be pretty disturbing, but this story from the sun has some seriously potent quotables.


The shy lad, whose voice has not yet broken, said: "I thought it would be good to have a baby. I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”


We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”


Other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things, like they have slept with Chantelle too," Patten says, "But I am the only boyfriend she has had and we've been together for two years, so I must be the dad. When she found out she was having a baby, I asked her 'Am I the dad?' and she went 'Yeah' so I believe her. I didn't know about DNA tests before, but Mum explained it's when they do a swab in your mouth and it tells you if you're the dad. So, if I have that, they can all shut up."

[sperm is getting weirder... via slog]
[baby-faced boy alfie... via thesun]
[alfie patten to take... via jezebel]

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[Your Morning Coffee]


"your body is a wonderland" by sam dearmond
the brew dujour:
fair trade organic espresso blend- a shot of espresso has a lot more going for it than a kick of caffeine. something about the rich, bold flavor warms you from the inside like a snifter of brandy. this blend balances that great espresso flavor with the drinkability of a delicious cup of joe.

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Nothing More, Nothing Less. [From The Archives]

Saturday, February 14, 2009

[ssp&e archives]

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Peggy Is A Whore.

[thanks electa]

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Heart Shaped Ox


Nineteen-day-old male ox, 'Heart,' born with a heart-shaped marking on his forehead, relaxes at Yamakun Farm in Fujisawa, near Tokyo, Japan on Sunday, Feb. 8, 2009. Farm owner Kazunori Yamazaki, 51, said, “Good timing for Valentine['s Day].”
That is straight up precious. I suddenly have Heart Shaped Box in my head, only I’m replacing Box with Ox.

[via geekadelphia]

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[Your Morning Coffee] Seriously Special Valentine's Day Edition


"inanimate love" by giantantmedia
the brew dujour:
fair trade golden french toast- what's better than breakfast (or coffee flavored like breakfast) in bed on valentine's day? not much my friends, not much. i'll be enjoying this while i work today. don't forget to call someone to say "i love you"... happy valentine's day!

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On Octomom...


But then you have the Duggars, who equally sicken me..." --molls' mom on 'octomom'

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Happy Valentine's Day From This Poor Bastard...

[via petswhowanttokillthemselves]

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Less Than Ordinary Valentine's Day Gift Ideas: Day 3

Friday, February 13, 2009

Bachs of Chocolate

Need a highbrow treat for a symphony enthusiast? Look no further! Bachs of Chocolate are the answer. Let them close their eyes and listen to the celebrated Toccata and Fugue in D Minor while nibbling Bach’s white chocolate ear. Allow me to suggest a pairing of the Cello Suites with dark chocolate, and perhaps the Sonatas and Partitas for violin solo with milk chocolate Bach.

Please treat lightly while listening to St. Matthew Passion. I won’t be held responsible for any unexpected Bachgasms.
[via jaygrandin]

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I Stepped Outside The Door This Morning With My Cup Of Coffee, Looked Up, And Saw The Normally Birdless Virginia Sky Flocked With These Bastards...

IT MUST BE FRIDAY THE 13TH.

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Obama Seeks New Commerce Secretary on Craigslist

Frustrated in his attempts to find someone willing to be Commerce Secretary, President Barack Obama today turned to Craigslist, the popular online classifieds site.

"The position of Commerce Secretary is too important to remain unfilled another day," Mr. Obama said. "That's why it is absolutely essential that this Craigslist thing work."

The President's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.

But hours later, Mr. Hurtstein did an about-face, withdrawing his name from consideration with the following terse statement: "At first I was like, that would be awesome, but I didn't realize I would have to move."

For his part, Mr. Obama said he would continue his search on Craigslist, adding, "While I have not yet found a Commerce Secretary there I did just find a great pair of skis."

[via borowitzreport]

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Less Than Ordinary Valentine's Day Gift Ideas: Day 2

Thursday, February 12, 2009

CocoYoko Ono

Still pissed at Yoko for ruining your life when she broke up the Beatles? Lord knows I am [*shakes fist in the air, angrily screaming "Yooooookooooo, you've won this battle but the war has just begun!*]. Well, it’s time to get back at that beeeotch. Eat her head, melt her down and pour her on strawberries [did you know that she HATES strawberries? Why do you think she broke the Beatles up? It was that Strawberry Fields Forever song... she never forgave Paul]. There’s nothing more loco than eating a coco Yoko.

This is war, Yoko! And I know how much you hate that!
to be continued...

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