Two Things That Came Out Of My Mouth Today That Make Me Realize That I'm Not Stupid:

Wednesday, December 31, 2008


you can't love someone that you can't be friends with."


dreaming keeps you young."

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"See You Next Year!" [Decidedly Not Clever]

this was on peevepile this afternoon:

Telling someone you will "see them next year!" right before New Years.
This is especially annoying when you are going to see the person in a day or two.
— Charlene from L.A.
and then this just happened at work:

LAVERNE: have a good night
BOB: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!
LAVERNE: see u next year
BOB: see u next year
BOB: lol
BOB: haha
BOB: has left the room.
LOQUEESHA: have a good night & a happy new year!
definately NOT funny, or clever.

[via peevepile]

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"I Don't Have Any Money!" [Drafts of '08]

if only i could remember the entire story... this would have been about a trip down my beloved i-95 that included a stop at the deleware rest area, and not one, but two(!!) people begging me for gas money. on a trip, that i do recall, was not financed by myself. and one jackass, in a brand new range rover said, "well, don't you got plastic yo?" or something along those lines. the other begger was in a bigass suv covered in jesus is lord bumper stickers. makes me wonder... if jesus is really YOUR lord, why are you begging for gas money in the middle of deleware? i'll stick with annoucing religious affiliation as being "spiritual."

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tumblr. [WTF?] [Drafts of '08]


dear tumblr,

you make me feel like an american wondering if aol is the only way to get online.

i don't get tumblr. so what, it's a blog host. just like blogger. or vox. why do people that use tumblr think they are so cool? that's what i was thinking on october 20 when i started writing this entry. now, two months later, i'm still wondering.

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brew-thru [Drafts of '08]


this was going to be about my cherry poppin' trip to the outer banks in north carolina this summer. brew-thru's are exactly what they sound like, drive thru beer joints. why the fcuk does the jersey shore not have these??? business opportunity? I THINK SO.

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whats the deal with the cupcakes fad? [Drafts of '08]

http://geekadelphia.com/2008/09/18/for-alexis-bambi-cupcakes/

...this one was meant to be posted in the beginning of october. i know why i never went on with this one, mostly because i didn't feel like debating anything more than politics with electa at the time. so all i'll say is, how many blogs does the world need with nothing but cupcake recipes? and who in their right mind pays $12 for a single cupcake (besides cindy mccain)? and i'll leave it at that.

feel free to check out the crude link above for the story behind the bambi cupcakes. geekadelphia, ahoy!

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Feed The B*tch... [Drafts of '08]

i honestly can't tell you what this post was supposed to be about when i added the title and the photo back on april 2. i know that "feed the bitch" is the term for feeding moldy fruit to the sourdough starter by adam reallastnameunknown in the book pictured, kitchen confidential. but what exactly i was planning on ranting about... the world may never know.

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Today in Bacon: [Brown Sugar Bacon Smokies]

Brown Sugar Bacon Smokies- "We made these once. Once. You could feel your life shortening while you chewed."

INGREDIENTS
1 (16 ounce) package little smokie sausages
1 pound bacon
1 cup brown sugar, or to taste

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Cut bacon into thirds and wrap each strip around a little sausage. Place the wrapped sausages on wooden skewers, several to a skewer. Arrange the skewers on a baking sheet and sprinkle them liberally with brown sugar. Bake until bacon is crisp and the brown sugar melted.

[via baconbaconbacon]

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Soy Sauce Packets & Mp3s [2008 in Tunes]

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

i'm glad that 2008 is almost over, because it's been a really, really long year. i'll spare further details, and just say that i'm glad that i had music to escape to. this album consists of 27 songs that helped me get through the year; some new, some old, some classics, some soon-to-be. in any case, these are the jams that got me through some strange times. many of them you may have heard throughout the year, be it with [your morning coffee] on weekends, or in a listen-up post whenever a song was stuck in my head. this album is my gift to you, i hope you enjoy it.

a few notes on the album- 1) i usually stress myself out when making a mixtape, by trying to put the songs in the perfect order. i didn't this time. i did a bit of shuffling, but for the most part, i let the album make itself. consider it to be organic. 2) i didn't pay much mind to the number of songs that would fit onto a cd, because i put the songs as a playlist on my ipod. if you plan on ripping this to a cd, you're gonna need two. 3) i've already passed some of these songs on to some of you regular-reader types, so i setup the file to download one song at a time, in case you already have some. sorry it'll take you a little longer than it should. and 4) when you click the link below the tracklist, the page has the songs in the same order, except for song #22, because the band's mp3s have chastity belts tighter than a jonas brother and i couldn't change the track name.


01- momma's boy - chromeo
02- valerie - mark ronson & amy winehouse
03- m79 - vampire weekend
04- foundations - kate nash
05- wonderful world - james morrison
06- that green gentlemen - panic at the disco
07- throwin' shapes - minus the bear
08- crushcrushcrush - paramore
09- sex on fire - kings of leon
10- is there a ghost - band of horses
11- the other side - brendan james
12- live high - jason mraz
13- float like a feather - dawn mitschele
14- best days - matt white
15- today - joshua radin
16- chasing pavement - adele
17- can't get it right today - joe purdy
18- almost lover - a fine frenzy
19- against the grain - city and colour
20- for emma - bon iver
21- ordinary - wayne brady
22- the weight - the band
23- suite: judy blue eyes - csny
24- sometimes i don't get you - yo la tengo
25- fade into you - mazzy star
26- body on me - nelly & akon
27- peace sign, index down - gym class heroes

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

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Today in Bacon: [Not Bacon, Yet]

The "strong-willed pig" who survived 36 days buried under rubble after China's earthquake has been named the country's most inspirational animal. However, the pig's owners say that he's become lazy. That swine. Bacon Factory, here he comes.

[via jezebel]

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Today in Bacon: [Potato Skins with Bacon and Cheese]

Monday, December 29, 2008

Trixie Belle’s Potato Skins with Bacon and Cheese-
4 large russet potatoes
1/2 to 3/4 cup medium cheddar cheese, grated
1/2 to 3/4 cup provolone cheese, grated
1 1/2 cup cooked crumbled bacon
1/2 cup chopped green onions (mostly green part)
1/2 cup sour cream
olive oil
salt
pepper

Bake potatoes according to your favorite recipe. When they are done, remove them from the oven and cool until you can easily handle them. Cut the potatoes in half lengthwise. With a spoon, scoop out the insides of the potatoes leaving about a 1/4 of an inch of potato along the boarder (you can leave more or less potato if you like). If your potatoes aren't exactly symmetrical, cut a little slice off the bottom of each half so they will stand up on a baking sheet. Put the skins on a baking sheet and salt and pepper the inside of the skins to taste. Drizzle the inside of the skins with a bit of olive oil. Divide the cheese and bacon evenly among the hollowed out skins. Put baking sheet with skins into a 375 degree oven for 8 to 10 minutes. Once the cheese has melted, remove from oven and top the skins with sour cream and the green onions. Serving size would depend on if you had this as a starter or as a meal.

[via baconbaconbacon]

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An Extra Dose of [Your Morning Coffee]

Sunday, December 28, 2008


"momma's boy" by chromeo
i spent half the morning trying to download chromeo's fancy footwork album, while hanging out with my mom and listening to random old school tunes on itunes. this song has been stuck in my head for days because of molls, and it seemed appropriate for today's events.

the brew dujour:
costa rican peaberry select- me and moms were sipping on this brew, made in the french press. i was a bit disappointed in it's acidity, but with some sugar and a bit of cream, i was able to balance it out and enjoy it's flavor.

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Actual Words That Just Came Out of My Mom's Mouth: [Potent Quotables]


they look like they were dressed from a goodwill store in italy."

***in an attempt to not offend anyone close to me, the subjects of this quote shall remain nameless.

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Jesus M.? Christ [Potent Quotables]










Jesus spreadable Christ on Melba Toast."

(this has been in my drafts since 10/30... although it was technically complete, i think i was unsure of its appropriateness. but i made a decision. and i'm sticking to it.)

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Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself, "Where have you been all my life?"


...i think that to myself everytime i watch a video of molls.

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Today in Bacon: [Brown Sugar Bacon]

Brown Sugar Bacon
Ingredients:
1 (12-ounce) package thick-sliced bacon, preferably apple smoked
1 cup firmly packed golden brown sugar
Separate bacon slices and lay them in one layer on a large baking sheet. Sprinkle brown sugar evenly over bacon. Cover with aluminum foil or plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Coat a wire rack with cooking spray and set the rack on a piece of waxed or parchment paper; set aside.

Remove foil or plastic wrap covering bacon and bake until crisp, 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from oven. Using tongs, transfer bacon to prepared wire rack. Let slices cool to the touch, then cut them in half crosswise and thread the slices on a metal or wooden skewer. Arrange the skewers on a serving platter and serve the bacon at room temperature. For a less fussy approach, forget the skewers and just pile the bacon on a platter.

[recipe from mysanantonio via baconbaconbacon]

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[Your Morning Coffee]


"aspen glow" by john denver
the brew dujour:
fair trade wicked winter blend- i can't lie and said that i've had this blend yet, but i can tell you that i am seriously looking forward to it! just like seasonal summer beers make me all giddy, winter coffee blends do the same. the balance of richness and hints of spice found in most winter blends is what always does it for me, and i expect that this blend will be just that- perfect.

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I Just Noticed How Many Blog Posts I Have Sitting Marked as 'Draft' on My Blogger Dashboard...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

...and i've decided that i'm going to post them all, completed or not before new years. start 2009 fresh with an empty draft box. my decision is final.

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The End of 2008 Means That You Can Expect One Thing: A Boatload of Lists

gawker, defamer, perezhilton, you name the blog and they've got lists to celebrate the end of the year. celebrity fights, best songs, best reality tv moments, the list goes on. i haven't bothered posting any of the 30 or so that i've seen so far, but this one, from this recording, is worth it. mostly because if i were to make a list of the most facsinating people of 2008, i'd probably have come up with an identical list. (with the exception of david foster wallace, because i just don't get the big deal about him.)

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StuffWhitePeopleLike + FatAmericanTV = Kiva [PSA]

stuff white people like has been on my google reader since the day i started reading blogs. it started like most successful blogs- as a human with a passion, a sense of humor, and a computer. its authors, christian lander & myles valentin, have seen their success grow to new heights in recent months with the publication of stuff white people like: the book, available HERE on amazon.

their continued success has lead them to design a t-shirt based on entries from their blog. they've teamed up with fat american to offer the sale of the new shirt, and a few weeks ago, christian asked for his readers to recommend a non-profit organization to receive the profits from the sale of the shirt. i, as well as several others i'm sure, recommended kiva microfunds to be the recipient of the profits from the stuff white people like t-shirt. of the over 500 non-profits that were sent in, christian & myles have chosen 11 to be voted on by the readers of their blog, and kiva.org has made the list!

kiva is an organization that allows people to lend money via the internet to micro-finance institutions in developing countries which in turn lend the money to small businesses. it is a non-profit organization based in san francisco that is supported by donations from its users and through partnerships with businesses and other institutions. kiva captures the entrepreneurial spirit of muhammad yunus, the bangladeshi banker and economist that singlehandedly introduced the idea of micro-loans to the modern world.

NOW, I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP TO HELP KIVA. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IT GO HERE AND VOTE FOR 'KIVA.org.'





read more about kiva microfunds HERE, at www.kiva.org

buy a shirt HERE, from www.fatamerican.tv

add stuff white people like to your your blog reader HERE

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Today in Bacon: [Bacon & Egg on Toast]

Bacon and Egg on Toast - perfect hangover food from a long week of boozin'. recipe via tastespotting.

[via itsallaboutthebacon]

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[Your Morning Coffee]


"peace carol" originally by john denver
the brew dujour:
fair trade organic joyful season blend- this brew makes me think about how delicious it would be to melt chocolate covered cherries in a hot cup of joe. that fruity chocolate flavor delightfully lingers on your palate with every sip of this blend. it's a delicious ending to a bustling holiday week.

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Hey Ya [Will Young]

Friday, December 26, 2008

how this song went from a pep-rally-power-ballad to a keith-sweat-sex-anthem, i'll never know, but i do enjoy this version.

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Who Says "Poop" in 2008?

from ink coffee co. short. sweet. to the point.

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Today in Bacon: [Choco-Bacon Bombs]

Bacon Bombs - Bacon dipped in a milk chocolate, sweet ancho chili and cayenne pepper, and chopped pecans. CLICK HERE for the recipe from the milwaukee cupcake queen.

[via itsallaboutthebacon]

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[Your Morning Coffee] Holiday Edition


"last christmas" by wham!
the brew dujour:
fair trade holiday blend- it's over. finally. i, for one, woke up exhausted this morning. not because of a long day yesterday, but because i was stupid enough to think that christmas night would be a great time to look at the tree in rockefeller center. needless to say i won't ever do that again, and i woke up cranky. but a cup of this brew rekindled that dwindling christmas spirit with it's toasty aroma and mellow blend. i could smell the evergreen branches again...

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"An image of Santa and Mrs. Claus in a state of ecstasy, replete with Santa's downy thighs and both of their spindly Cranach legs..."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

a portion of a note from the artist, jesse higman, as sent to the staff of the stranger:

I made this Christmas print to give to friends and the people I meet each year who I hope will appreciate it. Please accept it as a gift from the painted streets for the work you do to make our culture so rich.

I had a vision of this ideal couple up there on their own. It seems possible, to give, to have love and be proud, naked and getting old. It's one of those moments when you know what's important and nothing else matters. It felt like a dance to me, with grace. I mean it with all the commitment I can muster.

I drew this over eight years with a technical pen. The original is five feet tall. I drew it in the negative with black ink on white paper, then reversed it on a color copier and glued the pieces together again. Obviously, a computer has become the way to go for assembly but I would still draw it with a pen. The scribbles on the sides were to get the ink flowing in my pen. In the end they seemed like snow to me, so I kept them.

I hope you have happy holidays and a loving, productive year.
--Jesse
[via slog]

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Rockefeller Center, Christmas 2008

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Letters from the I-95 Corridor...

i wrote earlier this month about how i haven't felt the christmas spirit in quite a few years, and about how i wasn't sure i'd ever feel the same way about the holidays again. but last night on my six hour trek from richmond up to the poconos, the christmas spirit was alive again, albeit in very strange ways.

now i've driven the i-95 corridor more times than i can count over the years, and i've pretty much traveled every bit of it at some point, from maine to georgia. but never have i had such an eventful evening on the endless highway that is i-95, than i did last night. so i scribbled these letters on a coffee stained envelope from under the seat of my car with a half dead pen, to try and capture the spirit of christmas and the open road, to share with you all.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear shitwhistle in the white dodge durango with the xenon headlights,
thank you for tailgating me with your brightass lights gleaming in my rear view mirror. those were the most enjoyable 23 miles i've ever traveled. i know it must have been upsetting to you that i was only going 75mph in the slow lane in a 65mph zone. that, on top of the fact that there was only one other car on the road and only four other empty lanes, i'd be pissed too. santa came early when you finally gave up trying to lick my tailpipe and flew by me. forgive me if i didn't shed a tear when i caught up to you a few miles down the road and you were handcuffed and spread eagle on the hood of your truck with two 5-0s searching you fly-ass whip. don't worry, i hear they make delicious hot mansex cocoa in jail. merry christmas shitwhistle.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear city of baltimore,
you smell like beef & cheese. and not in a good way. and trust me when i tell you, having someone from new jersey, of all places, tell you that you stink, means something. you should really work on that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear lady in the green cadillac at the baltimore harbor tunnel toll,
thank you for doing me a solid and paying my toll. and for telling the obviously muslim toll collector to tell me "merry christmas." i thought our country was going to shit, but you made me believe that there is hope for us yet.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear dude in the honda hooptie that was behind me at that same toll booth,
you're welcome. merry christmas.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear old man that looked like regis philbin's twin brother,
it was a pleasure meeting you at the sunoco station at the chesapeake house rest area. i appreciated the 1/2 gallon of wiper fluid that you gave me because "the salt was going to crust me up" and you couldn't fit anymore in your resevoir. "jolly christmas tidings" back to you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear 90mph wind gusts,
thank you for keeping me alert by attempting to toss me off of every overpass between richmond and philly. my white knuckles appreciate you more than you'll ever know.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

dear tumbleweeds(?!?) on the northeast extension of the pennsylvania turnpike,
what the fcuk are you doing in pennsylvania? go back to arizona where you belong.
sincerely,
me

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Merry Christmas from the Bacon-y Portion of isweatbutter.com.

[via baconbaconbacon]

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Today in Bacon: [Merry Christmas to Me]

bacon scarf, a gift for me.

“Red and white scarf resembling marbled fat. The scarf is 7” by 57”. It is soft and light weight. Made of 100% Acrylic. On the scarf’s reverse side, the colors are inverted making it a leaner cut of bacon.”

i was sold on the description alone.

available at shopsin's general store.

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[Your Morning Coffee] Christmas Edition


"that spirit of christmas" by ray charles
the brew dujour:
fair trade gingerbread- there are few things better than waking up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee 364 days a year, but on christmas, it's the smell of baking cookies. so what could be better than both? NOTHING, my friends, nothing. enjoy your time with friends and family today... merry christmas!

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I Love Animals, But PETA Sucks. And So Does Sarah Palin. [Snowball Fight]

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

if you can make it past madonna, the olsen twins, colonel sanders and charleton heston, to round three, you can earN extra points for pelting sarah palin in her hunting helicopter. but you better play this now, because the GOP is making a big stink over it and it may not be around too long...

PELT SARAH PALIN WITH SNOWBALLS HERE

[thanks politico!]

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Do Yourself A Solid For Christmas... [Listen Up]

in the limited time left before the christmas festivities begin, take note of when you can have five minutes to yourself. when your husband runs out for a quart of milk, and the kids are building a snowman outside, and your mother-in-law's hands are covered in salmanella-ey turkey fluids up to her elbows, sneak back to this post on your computer. lock your door, blast the speakers, (or a pair of headphones if you need to blockout background noise), wrap yourself in a blanket (which you'll need for the goosebumps) and listen to this song:


...and merry christmas, my dear blog followers. thank you for continually reading my rants and making 2008 such an oddly successful year, as far as the internet goes. xoxo

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Nothing Says "Merry Christmas!" Like An Asian Singing A Mariah Carey Song With Lo Mein In His Mouth...


...thank you, mr. tone-deaf korean man...for making me smile today. i take back that 'lo mein in his mouth' comment that i made earlier.

[via failblog]

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Today in Bacon: [Potato Pancakes with Cheese & Bacon]

Potato Pancakes with Cheese and Bacon - great use for those leftover mashed potatoes on friday morning!

Ingredients:
8 oz freshly cooked, mashed potatoes
2 tbsp milk
2 eggs
2 tbsp self-rising flour
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
4 slices Irish Cheddar cheese
8 slices streaky bacon
Place the mashed potatoes into a bowl and add the milk, eggs and flour. Season with salt and pepper. Beat until you have a thick but pourable batter, adding more milk if needed. Heat the oil in a heavy bottomed pan. Pour in a ladleful of the batter mix and cook until browned underneath. Flip over and cook on the other side. Transfer to a warmed platter and reserve, keeping the pancakes warm.
At the same time cook the bacon in a non-stick pan until crispy. Drain on paper towel.

Top the potato pancakes with slices of cheese and place under hot broiler to melt. Serve with crisp bacon on top. Serves 4.

[royalbaconsociety via itsallaboutthebacon]

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[Your Morning Coffee] Christmas Eve Edition


"christmas wrapping" by the waitresses
the brew dujour:
fair trade spicy eggnog- and speaking of eggnog, for the third day in a row, how about that southern comfort eggnog in the black carton?! holy deliciousness. and speaking of holy deliciousness, how about the creamy scent, if that's even possible, of this brew. it's divine in every sense of the word.

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M.C. X-Mas [Keepin' the Christ in Christmas]

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


[via toomuchawesome]

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Walmart Scrooge. [Reason # 263,599,812]

Barry Goldberg decided that this was the season for giving — so he spent $1300 on $10 Walmart gift cards and stood in front of the store handing them out. Until Walmart stopped him.

Barry is an out-of-work mortgage executive who just wants to dress as Santa Claus and hand out gifts. Is there anything so terrible about that?

"The next thing I knew, they turned to me and said, ‘You have to leave the store. You can’t do this here. You’re soliciting,’” Goldberg said. “I said, ‘I’m not soliciting anything. I’m giving.’”

The out-of-work mortgage lending executive said he still has 44 gift cards left from his weekend adventure.
“They asked me, ‘Well, where did you get these cards?’” he said. “’I bought them from your store 20 minutes ago.’ ‘Well, what are you doing?’ (they asked). I said, “I’m giving out gift cards. It’s the holidays. The right thing to do is to give, isn’t it?’”
In a statement to Eyewitness News, Wal-Mart states,” While we appreciate the customer’s patronage, we understand that he was interrupting the flow of foot traffic in the store’s vestibule.”
There's a happy ending though, Target swapped his Walmart gift cards for Target ones and let him hand them out in front of their store.

reason #263,599,812 why walmart sucks and you shouldn't shop there. even at the holidays.

[via consumerist]

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Alfie the Christmas Tree [The Greatest Story Ever Told]

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And Now, Dooce Thoughts, with Heather Armstrong...

"...we've got a staggering number of obligations in the next week including two family gatherings that will include singing. hymns. with straight faces. while pretending that grandpa rob isn't tone deaf. nothing says merry christmas like a version of "away in a manger" that sounds like it's being beaten out of a goat..."

[via dooce]

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Today in Bacon: [Bacon-Wrapped Grissini]

Bacon-Wrapped Grissini - be careful...if you make these for your christmas buffet, you may have trouble getting your family to go home. don't say i didn't warn you.

For my 8 oz package of breadsticks, I should have bought 2 pounds of bacon (I have 1/2 a package sitting on my counter).

1 pound smokehouse bacon
1 package grissini (long thin Italian breadsticks)
1/3 C packed brown sugar
1 1/2-2 T dark chili powder

Let the bacon stand at room temperature until slightly softened. Wrap 1 slice of bacon around a breadstick like a barbershop pole. (Can prepare up to 2 hours in advance if refrigerated). No part of the breadstick needs to be showing.
Mix brown sugar and chili powder in shallow dish. Roll each breadstick until coated. Arrange 1/2 inch a part on a broiler rack. Bake at 350 F for about 20 minutes or until the coating is caramelized and the bacon has a deep golden color.
Loosen each breadstick from the broiler pan. Cut breadstick in half if desired. Cool for 10-15 minutes until firm. Serve at room temperature.

[via baconbaconbacon]

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[Your Morning Coffee] Holiday Edition


"white christmas" by bing crosby
the brew dujour:
fair trade pumpkin spice- about that eggnog... when i splashed that carton of eggnog into my holiday blend the other morning, it got me thinking... i love making eggnog whipped cream to serve on top of my homemade pumpkin pies, so how delicious would it be to splash some eggnog into my pumpkin spice coffee?!?! one word folks: PHENOMENAL.

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