Raisins and/or Pennies = Eggs and/or Toilet Paper, Next Year. [PSA] [From the Archives]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

{Originally Posted on 10/30/08 on isweatbutter.com} ...at least that's how we used to judge houses. it's funny how twelve months would go by, in a neighborhood that you're only in once a year, yet you remember the houses with the sweetest scores. likewise, we always remembered the pennies and raisins houses. they'd get a visit from us the following mischief night. (because that'll teach 'em.)

the 10 worst non-candy items that you could possibly give me on halloween, and the consequences of doing so
(in no particular order)

pennies: who gives out pennies on halloween night!? i wouldn’t complain if it was a dollar, but pennies just don’t go as far as they used to. first of all, it is NOT CANDY! second of all, there are no "penny candy" shops anymore. 1960 called, they want their halloween "treat" back...

apples: also, NOT CANDY! that’s healthy stuff, save your apples for your pie. it's true that there have been a couple of documented razorblade in the apple cases, and that is enough for me to stay away from them. besides, this is the night for trick-or-treating, and if you hand out an apple, it is likely to end up in your flower garden or on your roof. no joke.

raisins: nope. Uh-uh. NOT going in my mouth on halloween. unless, of course, they are covered in chocolate. let's review: raisinettes, GOOD. raisins, BAD.

advice: "look both ways before crossing the street," should have already been beaten into my head by my parents. that is not your job as the person who is giving me delicious treats! if i want advice, i'll call doctor phil. advice, once again, is NOT CANDY.

canned food: a can of sugar beets or candied yams might seem great to some people, but don't let the words "sugar" or "candied" fool you, at the end of the day, you're still attempting to pawn off your expired cans of VEGETABLES. canned vegetables ARE NOT a good "treat" to give to trick-or-treaters, mostly because they're likely to end up through a car window somewhere on your block. and your neighbors will most likely suspect YOU.

stickers: yeah, spongebob or superman stickers may be cool, but nobody wants them on halloween. now if you want to give a piece of candy AND a sticker, that’s fine, but don’t give just a sticker. if you do, expect to find in on the hood of your beemer.

coupons: even coupons for free stuff are no good. free wendy’s frosties or free mcdonald’s french fries are normally good, but a kid wants the instant satisfaction of candy. with a coupon you have to remember to take them in the car, and then convince your parents to stop by to get you something free. most of the time the coupons expire before you can use them anyway. and besides fast food will make you fat, candy won't is delicious. just SAY NO to coupons.

a toothbrush: yeah, yeah. we all know we should brush our teeth. we don’t need to get that message drilled into us by our neighbors too. refer to the sticker rule here, all you toothbrush-givers of america: toothbrush, BAD. toothbrush AND candy, GOOD.

little bags of microwave popcorn: anything that requires the use of a 1000 watt kitchen appliance SHOULD NOT be given to kids on halloween. do i really need to go into anymore detail on this one folks?

homemade anything: i don’t care if your cookies won blue ribbons at the county fair or your popcorn balls are the talk of the town, DON'T put them in my halloween bag. the parents won’t let us eat anything homemade anyway and your homemade treats will end up getting tossed in the trash or your yard. so save your time and money and just buy a big ass bag of candy from shitmart walmart.

i just found this question on wikianswers, which i found quite comical, and had to screencap it. (my guess is that it was answered by one of the "old people" in question, who else says 'frugality?')


Crazy Momma 3:23 PM  

One of my favorites!

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