The Complete, Chronological, Abridged Oscars...

So I didn't get home in time to live tweet the Oscars, and after fast forwarding through them on the TiVo, I'm almost glad that I missed them... That was a painful 3 hours, but here are my much sought after observations in chronological order...

- That was the most uncomfortable Red Carpet that I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen celebrities not want to talk as much as they did not want to talk to Kathy "Charlie Horse" Ireland and Sherri "Awkward Silence" Shepherd.

- Dear ABC, Neil Patrick Harris was funnier when he was on CBS. Nice try though.

- Steve & Alec, FTW.

- Why is Zac Efron still relevant?

- Inglourious Basterds is the most overrated movie of all time.

- Miley Cyrus looked like a whore in her negligee-esque dress.

- T-Bone Burnett needs to fire his stylist and hire a tailor.

- Based on that clip of 'District 9,' that movie should have won an Oscar for biggest waste of film stock.

- Molly Ringwald looked like she was tweeking. And like she was brutally raped by Father Time.

- Can someone please let Samuel L. know that Kangol hats went out with LA Gears?

- Once again, Steve & Alec, FTW.

- Ben Stiller is increasingly unfunny.

- I love Queen Latifah, but she laughs like a truck driver with a two pack-a-day habit.

- Mo'nique. 'Nuff said.

- Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. Tonight, she looked like a horse wearing a chandelier from a funeral home.

- Kinkos just called looking for jLo, they need some of the bubblewrap back that wrapped her ginormous hips in.

- I've said it before and I'll say it again... The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers needs to get rid of the chicks. They bring down their performance.

- Fcuk 'Avatar.'

- Kathy Bates looked strangely like Ruby's left thigh.

- And finally, 10 is way too many.