Buttery New Reading: 5 New books that you shouldn't bother reading...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

some music, like that of the jonas brothers, is better left unheard. some movies, like those starring tom cruise, are better left unseen. some jokes, like those told by jay leno, are best left unlaughed at. similarly, some books are better left unread. these 5 can be found cluttering the shelves of a bookstore near you. (do the world a favor and leave them there.)

in no particular order of suckiness:

I. behind the bell by dustin diamond

"my porn tape sucked or didn't(?) i don't know, but it wasn't good; and my career is over. so how about i dish dirt on all of my mildly more successful co-stars of a show that ended 15 years ago." good idea screech, you do that.
II. i hope they serve beer in hell by tucker max
tucker max is a self-described king of douchebaggery. he drinks too much, fondles women, causes scenes and generally acts like that guy that no one ever wants to be around. but he's proud of it. so proud that he wrote a book about it. and word on the street is there's a movie is in the works too. tom cruise deserves to play this douchebag.
III. through the storm: a real story of fame and family in a tabloid world by lynne spears
this book was originally titled "the lynne spears guide to fucking up your children," but for some reason they switched it up just before publication. too bad for them, they missed the perfect mother's day window for release. this book will no doubt prove instructive to any stage mother willing to milk her daughters for all they're worth, subsequently ignoring them when their pregnancies/mental breakdowns interfere with a novelty t-shirt sale at kitson.
IV. life with my sister madonna by christopher ciccone & wendy leigh
nothing says "i'm tired of being a nobody and living in my sister's shadow" like an unauthorized biography/tell-all. this douche rivals tucker max in the royalty department. word in the valley is that he only wrote it as a bitch slap because guy ritchie doesn't like him because he's gay. get over it. write a book about your boring life you hack.
V. fleeced: how barack obama, media mockery of terrorist threats, liberals who want to kill talk radio, the do-nothing congress, companies that help iran, and washington lobbyists for foreign governments are scamming us... and what to do about it by dick morris & eileen mcgann
the follow-up to, no joke, outrage: how illegal immigration, the united nations, congressional ripoffs, student loan overcharges, tobacco companies, trade protection, and drug companies are ripping us off... and what to do about it. and stay tuned for their next book, for which i even came up with a title for them- "passed out: what you are by the time you have read halfway through the title of any of our books, why books like this aren't covered under major bookstore return policies, and why you shouldn't care what we have to say because we are hacks... and what you can't do about it." eh? ehh? what a title!?! dickie, eileen, call me... i'll lease you the name rights.
[snapped elements from defamer.com]

2 comments:

Anonymous,  11:46 PM  

She seemed to have it all right until it all fell apart. Maybe raising kids is like a Haitian cab ride - it's wildly successful given the circumstances. Until you arrive at your destination and get machete'd to death.

spleeness 11:56 PM  

ha, I loved your take on these! Esp. the Spears one... great literary criticism!

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