Showing posts with label news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label news. Show all posts
"Liberal Media Desecrates Sarah Palin Again!"
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
“Indeed, if political figures stand for ideas, victimization is what Ms. Palin is all about. It is her brand, her myth. Ronald Reagan stood tall. John McCain was about service. Barack Obama has hope. Sarah Palin is a collector of grievances. She runs for high office by griping.”
[WSJ via Wonkette]
I'm Gonna Go Out On A Limb Here And Call This, "The Direct Result Of Child Abuse."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Call Mr. Webster, It's Time To Make A Donation To His Dictionary...
Fuckeduplets.
noun, plural: multiple babies born to a single, unemployed looney tune of a mother.
[via slog]
Guns Don't Kill Animals, Palins Do
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i sent this article from salon to my mom:
Just in case you thought Sarah Palin only hated polar bears, wolves and moose, she's now suing the federal government to stop it from protecting the Cook Inlet beluga whales as an endangered species.to which she so eloquently responded:
"She's a fucking idiot... They ought to make it open season on Palins."Read more...
I Was Called An "Idiotic Liberal" When I Made The Admittedly Blatant Generalization That Republicans Preferred The Anti-Social Aspect Of Facebook...
...style "social networking" to myspace's put-all-your-business-out-there-and-let-the-world-judge-you style. but now i have some proof. (it might not be great proof, but it is proof nonetheless.) this facebook sponsored research poll just popped up on my facebook profile, and after choosing "both," i got these results:
The World Is Going To Shit.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
smithfield, the world's biggest pork processor, will close 6 plants and lay off 1,800. i know saying that every little thing is a sign of the apocalypse is a horrible cliche, but i know something about the topic, and when you can't make money selling bacon we're all in trouble. [bloomberg]
Presidential Leadership Survey [#36? That's a Little Generous, No?]
Monday, February 16, 2009
[cspan via nbcnightlynews]
Because the Story About the 13 Year Old Daddy Wasn't Disturbing Enough, Now There's a 16 Year Old Saying He's the "Baby Daddy" [Time to Call Maury]
Sunday, February 15, 2009
so i find this situation to be pretty disturbing, but this story from the sun has some seriously potent quotables.
The shy lad, whose voice has not yet broken, said: "I thought it would be good to have a baby. I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”
We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”
Other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things, like they have slept with Chantelle too," Patten says, "But I am the only boyfriend she has had and we've been together for two years, so I must be the dad. When she found out she was having a baby, I asked her 'Am I the dad?' and she went 'Yeah' so I believe her. I didn't know about DNA tests before, but Mum explained it's when they do a swab in your mouth and it tells you if you're the dad. So, if I have that, they can all shut up."
[sperm is getting weirder... via slog]
[baby-faced boy alfie... via thesun]
[alfie patten to take... via jezebel]
A Letter I'd Like To See (But Won't)
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Dear America,
I take it back. I don’t apologize.
Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.
I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.
Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.
You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.
Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.
So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.
Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.
Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.
Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.
Yours,
Michael Phelps
[theagitator via slog]
Starbucks Eliminates Coffee, Cups, Stir-thingies...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Latest Cost-Cutting Measures.
In its latest cost-cutting moves designed to improve its bottom line, Starbucks announced today that it would no longer offer coffee, cups, or stir-thingies beginning February 1.
In an official statement, company spokesman Carol Foyler said that Starbucks "wrestled long and hard" with the decision to eliminate the three items, "especially coffee."
"We are aware that many of our customers have come to Starbucks in the past looking for a cup of coffee," Ms. Foyler said. "We hope, however, that they will continue to come even though we no longer offer coffee or cups, for that matter."
She said that she did not think that Starbucks customers would be disappointed by the absence of stir-thingies, adding, "Since we're also eliminating sugar, Equal, and half-and-half, there's really nothing to stir."
When asked what Starbucks hoped would attract customers to their stores in the future, Ms. Foyler said, "We hope customers will see our stores as a place for the unemployed and/or homeless to come out of the cold and warm themselves over a scalding hot cup of water, as long as they bring the cup."
Elsewhere, House Minority Leader John Boehner explained House Republicans' opposition to President Obama's economic stimulus package: "We're ginormous assholes."
[via borowitzreport]
Headline of the Day: "Goat detained over armed robbery"
Friday, January 23, 2009
LAGOS (Reuters) - Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.
"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.
"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.
Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa's most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.
[via reuters]
BREAKING NEWS: The Department of Karma
Monday, January 19, 2009
WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's inauguration ceremony.
White House press secretary Dana Perino said Monday that Cheney was helping to move into his new home outside Washington in McLean, Va., when he injured his back.
His doctor recommended that he needed a wheelchair for the next couple of days.
[via msnbc]
Bush Repeals English Language:
Last Official Act as President
In what he hoped would be the capstone to his eight years as President, George W. Bush today signed an executive order repealing the English language.
Scrawling his name on the official document, Mr. Bush said that in abolishing English he had vanquished his "greaterest enemy."
For Mr. Bush, the executive order represents the realization of a longstanding dream that began in 2001 when he declared an official War on Grammar.
The President followed up that declaration of war in 2003 when he signed an executive order cancelling the agreement between nouns and verbs.
Mr. Bush's decision to repeal the English language could complicate matters for his successor, President-elect Barack Obama, who is scheduled to deliver his inaugural address tomorrow, presumably in English.
But thoughts of Mr. Obama seemed far away during today's jubilant Oval Office ceremony, which Mr. Bush summed up in four words: "I can has legacy."
Mr. Bush's executive offer also drew high praise from a fellow Republican, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska: "Being that the English language can and has been used in confusing and also too in harming ordinary Americans, knowing that it no longer can or will be used in doing that is something positive that this is doing also."
[via borowitzreport]
HEY! Charleston, Mississippi, 1955 Called, They Want Their Civil Rights Back.
Just one more reason to love the great Morgan Freeman: the actor donated $17,000 to his local high school in Charleston, Mississippi, so that the high school students could finally hold their first integrated prom. (seriously? an integrated prom in 2009? that's so 1955. looks like the south sure is "rising again." i guess they still can't read down in those parts either, or maybe 'apartheid' is just too big of a word. as far as progress goes, maybe the folks in mississippi have some kind of conversion, like cats & dogs do for aging. one human year = fifty mississippian years.)
Freeman's offer, which was first made in 1997, was finally taken up by the school eleven years later, thanks in part to Freeman's participation in a documentary film by Paul Saltzman, who documented Freeman's pitch to the school board, community reactions, and student interviews which showed reactions to the idea of an integrated prom and discussions of the racism that is still present in their town. Not everyone was thrilled with the idea of an integrated dance; several students retaliated by holding a "Whites-Only" prom, which the filmmakers were not invited to cover. (something tells me that the only reason these troglodytes are 'integrating' is because there school can't afford to exist. i doubt $17,000 is being spent on a prom. principal bonus, maybe?)
The documentary, "Prom Night In Mississippi," is premiering this week at Sundance. Freeman, who was outraged ("It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard") that children in his town were still dealing with segregated dances, hopes that the prom, and the film, will break down the separate dance system and the mentality that fuels it. "The kids are not going to want to go backwards," Freeman says, "They've got their toe in the water, and the water's warm." (movie clip, here.)
tuesday can't come fast enough for me.
[via jezebel]
National Day of Service [1/19/09]
Monday, January 19 is Martin Luther King Day. And wonderfully, instead of adding yet another shopping day to the calendar, it's being transformed to a day of service.
If every person in the US spent an hour doing something selfless, useful and leveraged, what would happen? What if you and your circle committed to doing it an hour a day for a year? 300 million hours is a lot of hours for just one day, a year of that would change everything.
While I applaud stopgap contributions like helping out in a soup kitchen (where labor and supplies are really needed), I wonder how those that are lucky enough to be web savvy can create work that really adds leverage. What if you did one of these things every day?
Here are some ideas that you can do online or in your community, with time, not so much with money.
- Go through your house and find beloved books that you're glad you read... and give them to the library....and HERE are plenty more ideas.
- Create and promote an online petition for a cause you care about.
- Start a Facebook group for like-minded people who support the same non-profit you do. Commit to spending time to promote it, organize the people there and actually create outcomes of value.
- Find a cause that supports soldiers or diplomats or other public servants that are on the road, and make it easier for them to connect with people back home.
- Lobby Congress with letters and blog posts to make a change to a law that doesn't benefit you at all, but helps the community in the long run.
- Write a great wikipedia article every day about a person who is changing the world for the better.
- Find video and remix it into an insanely viral video that promotes a cause that you believe in.
[via sethgodin] Read more...
BREAKING NEWS: Fire Breaks Out At Bacon Factory
**side note: when i googled the term 'flaming bacon' to try and find a picture to go along with this post, i found out that 'flaming bacon' is a term listed in the urban dictionary. it's meaning? "The act of being hammered drunk, wrapping your cock with 4 condoms, then pouring the alcohol you used on your 'Bacon' lighting it on fire then proceed to have." wow. just, wow.
[via bbc, urbandictionary] Read more...
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