A Letter I'd Like To See (But Won't)

Dear America,

I take it back. I don’t apologize.

Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.

I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.

Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.

You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.

Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.

So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.

Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.

Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.

Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.

Yours,

Michael Phelps

[theagitator via slog]

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Chirp, Chirp, It's Bird Time!

ok, ok, so that's the battle cry for the ball state fighting cardinals, but i've decided that i'm going to root for the west bumblefuck cardinals in the superbowl this year. not that i'll pay attention to the game at all, i'm only watching this year to see more e*trade baby commercials. have i ever mentioned that i wanna swipe that little kid? and while we're on the subject of cardinals, i know in the bird world, in their weight-class, cardinals are pretty tough, but seriously? what the fuck is a cardinal gonna do to a steeler? and what the fuck is a steeler?

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World Series Cancelled for Lack of Interest - Phillies Led, Something to Something.

In an unprecedented move, Major League Baseball cancelled the 2008 World Series today, citing "overwhelming lack of interest."

This year's contest, featuring the Philadelphia Phillies and some other team, will be the first-ever World Series to be yanked before completion, but in the words of one baseball executive, "We're fairly sure no one will notice."

The decision to pull the plug on the Series came last night after the fifth game of the contest was rain-delayed and suspended with the score standing at something to something.

Some guys were on base and another guy was pitching when the rains came, but no one in the stadium showed a flicker of interest in the outcome.

"Enough already," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "Let's put this thing out of its misery."

At Fox Broadcasting, executives were reportedly "deliriously happy" about the cancellation of the low-rated Series and immediately announced plans to replace it with reruns of "Family Guy" and "House."

In Philadelphia, slugger Ryan Howard was philosophical about the decision to pull the Series: "I wasn't really following it - who was ahead, anyway?"

[via borowitzreport]

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Swedish hockey fans delay match with "Dildo Downpour" [Breaking News]

"It ain’t glamorous or nothin’, but I get to keep whatever’s thrown on the ice.”

"A pro hockey game in Sweden was delayed briefly when fans of Stockholm-based AIK littered the ice with dildos to taunt Leksand star Jan Huokko. Earlier this year, Huokko’s phone had been stolen, and an explicit video clip of him and his girlfriend circulated around Sweden’s part of the Internet."

[thelocal via withleather]

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Shit-Talking Gone Too Far...

i did a five year stint living in rhode island, arguably the center of new england. i must admit, there wasn't much that i didn't love about living there. the only two cons that come to mind were their horrible lack of snow plowing skills in a place that gets dumped on frequently, and red sox fans.

i am a yankees fan, but that's not why i despise red sox fans. my hatred towards them flows much deeper than bill buckner and the curse of the bambino. ('bill buckner,' by the way, is the easiest way to get a red sox fan to shut the fuck up; and it's as simple as mentioning his name.) it stems from their obnoxious chanting and their uncanny ability to cause riots and get arrested, win or lose. regardless, i most often keep those feelings to myself around them.

other than that one occasion, sports shit-talking doesn't really bother me. maybe because i don't really take sports that seriously or maybe because, well, it's just not that serious. that was until yesterday. yesterday when the piece of shit scumbag owner of seahawkshuddle.com, a seattle seahawks fan2fan site, thought it would be cute to try and "rile up giants fans" (who they are playing next week), by putting a bunch of 9/11 jokes on their homepage, to "welcome giants fans," along with a photo of the world trade center on fire. here's one of them: "Q: What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones’ head when he was working on the World Trade Center’s 90th floor? A: The 91st floor." classy you piece of shit, real classy.

i must say i was really surprised that i didn't hear about this on the new york news. after being mentioned in columns in the new york daily news, deadspin and the stranger, the owner of the site removed the tasteless post and offered this half-assed apology:

"Here at The Huddle we pride ourselves on riling up our opponent fan base to make the game more exciting and meaningful to us fans. Obviously this time we/I went over the line." (you think?) "...no one here at The Huddle believes 9/11 wasn't a horrible tragedy...in American history, some of us tend to deal with issues like these with...humor in the worst taste. Obviously not everyone does this and we regret any hurt or pain that our comments have dredged up. That was never the intent. We can only apologize so much." (right, the intent was only to "rile" us up.)

like i said, real classy.

[via slog]

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