Too Old To Tweet. [But Thank You Anyway]
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
i don't fit the mold.
i also don't wear a size small t-shirt.
and lord knows, i have no filter.
mtv just announced the final two tj candidates.
i had high hopes after seeing the profiles of the first 18 that they announced; i could out-tweet all of them with no thumbs & a blackberry, all while giving pre-surgery star jones a piggyback ride...
instead, they chose a lesbian that looks like justin bieber and a boricua that's addicted to the hills.
in any case, THANK YOU for all of your nominations via twitter and facebook.
and for constantly harassing the @mtvtj twitter account with every reason you could think of as to why they should pick me.
let's face it, mtv's just not ready for this jelly...
Comment of Comments...
Saturday, July 03, 2010
My Facebook Status This Morning:
I'm trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.And The Comment Of The Year Award Goes To:
Just tell them you need to "relocate" them to a picnic table on the other side of the lake, "temporarily." Then let them operate slot machines and sell tax free cigarettes from their new picnic table!Read more...
Overheard at Barnes & Noble...
Friday, July 02, 2010
After a childish spat with my other half the other night, I found myself sunken in a germ ridden chair at my local Barnes & Noble. Although I was attempting to knock out a few chapters of 'Medium Raw,' I found it difficult due to my close proximity to the cafe's seating area. Hipster after hipster sat next to me to slurp down their $8 latte-chino-machiatos. And all I could do was eavesdrop. It was as if a complete stranger wasn't sitting two feet away from them, tweeting their every word...
The following is the fruit of my eavesdropping endeavors. All of which I was tweeting, as it happened, with the hashtag #OverheardAtBarnesAndNoble:
"His penis was like a stale banana." -60ish year old woman to her much younger friend
"I'm tired of predominantly black men walking around with their asses hanging out. I don't want to see your ass unless I'm crawling into bed with it." -Same 60ish year old lady to her now obviously bored friend
"I don't know what's worse, that she has her 'poosy' pierced or that she's wearing capri pants." -Bored friend talking about another "friend" in the cafe line
"He makes his life harder because he can't keep it in his pants." -60ish year old lady talking about her son
At this point, the oldies left and a trio of blonde college tarts sat down to flip through their CosmoGirl Mags and sip their skinny lattes...
"Whatever, I'm sure John Mayer has gotten way more girls than The Situation has." -Debate Team Captain
"There's a girl in my Chinese class named 'Young,' but it's spelled D-U-N-G. She's Asian." -Captain Obvious
"Why does gas cost $2.47 9/10 per gallon? Are we supposed to carry around pieces of pennies?" -Dipshit in B&N
"What's Lupus?" "Lupus is an auto-immune disease. You would know that if you watched House." -MD Candidate, 2012
"I'm judging Cameron Diaz for being in that movie with Tom Cruise. He's a tool."
"I like 'Sarah, Plain & Tall." "You would."
"It's not called Chat Roulette, it's called Chat Roolay."
"I prefer Jumpers to Rompers."
Next came the pair of Yuppie Moms with their jogging strollers and Volvo keys...
"I've never had to use lube in my life. I'm just naturally wet. It's more comfortable. You should be jealous."
"I have this eerie feeling that there's someone watching me and licking their lips."
And with that, I left.
Follow me on Twitter HERE. Read more...
[Potent Quotables]
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Are you in church? You better not be texting me from church. I've already got a one-way ticket to Hell, I don't need you getting my ticket upgraded to First Class." -Me via Text Message at 11am
Donate $10 With One Click. And It Won't Cost You Sh*t.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
My Personal Friend, Ed Baker, is competing with a team of coworkers in The Cuervo Games in Tempe, Arizona. In order for his team to make it to the competition, they must rack up votes on Facebook. Ed and his team are pledging to raise $10 for each vote cast, to go to The Tempe Community Action Agency**, if their team gets enough votes to compete.
It won't cost you a dime and will only take a minute of your time to VOTE.
Thanks!
**The Tempe Community Action Agency is a Non-Profit Organization based in Tempe, Arizona that provides Emergency Assistance to Children, Families & the Elderly.
DMV: Don't Mess VVith-the-80's?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I just had this highly amusing conversation via text message with my Madonna-loving, fashionista-friend, Jill; Who spent her morning at the one, the only, New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicle (or whatever it is that they call it these days).
J: I think everyone who works at the New Jersey MVA jumped directly out of the 80s.
Me: WTF is the MVA? The DMV?
J: Yea, that's what they call it now.
Me: Well, from what I heard, it's still 1989 in the DMV. There's a HUGE line to get into the new millennium. Take a number and have a seat.
J: This woman helping me has on a jean jacket with multi-colored velvet pieces sewn on it and high waisted acid-washed jeans with huge zippers. Oh, and a BIGASS velvet BOW in her hair. Is she for real?
Me: I don't know, that sounds pretty hot to me.
J: I tried to take a picture for you but the tiny Asian kid behind me, trying to get his permit, was on to me.
See Also: "The DMV: Parental Discretion Is Advised..." Read more...
"BALLET: The preferred dance of preteen girls, gay dudes & rich white people." -Jimmy Fallon
The Complete, Chronological, Abridged Oscars...
Sunday, March 07, 2010
So I didn't get home in time to live tweet the Oscars, and after fast forwarding through them on the TiVo, I'm almost glad that I missed them... That was a painful 3 hours, but here are my much sought after observations in chronological order...
- That was the most uncomfortable Red Carpet that I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen celebrities not want to talk as much as they did not want to talk to Kathy "Charlie Horse" Ireland and Sherri "Awkward Silence" Shepherd.
- Dear ABC, Neil Patrick Harris was funnier when he was on CBS. Nice try though.
- Steve & Alec, FTW.
- Why is Zac Efron still relevant?
- Inglourious Basterds is the most overrated movie of all time.
- Miley Cyrus looked like a whore in her negligee-esque dress.
- T-Bone Burnett needs to fire his stylist and hire a tailor.
- Based on that clip of 'District 9,' that movie should have won an Oscar for biggest waste of film stock.
- Molly Ringwald looked like she was tweeking. And like she was brutally raped by Father Time.
- Can someone please let Samuel L. know that Kangol hats went out with LA Gears?
- Once again, Steve & Alec, FTW.
- Ben Stiller is increasingly unfunny.
- I love Queen Latifah, but she laughs like a truck driver with a two pack-a-day habit.
- Mo'nique. 'Nuff said.
- Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. Tonight, she looked like a horse wearing a chandelier from a funeral home.
- Kinkos just called looking for jLo, they need some of the bubblewrap back that wrapped her ginormous hips in.
- I've said it before and I'll say it again... The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers needs to get rid of the chicks. They bring down their performance.
- Fcuk 'Avatar.'
- Kathy Bates looked strangely like Ruby's left thigh.
- And finally, 10 is way too many.
2010 is going to be my year.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
I decided that soon after the miserable holidays that I "celebrated" last year. After all, I've been in the shit long enough, haven't I? I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of being unhappy. So in 2010, I decided that on top of continuing my endless quest for a job that pays actual money, I was going to be happy. Even if that means broke and happy, it's happiness that's important.
In order to accomplish this feat, I made a few attainable resolutions to myself, the first of which is to blog more often. I mean seriously, look around, this place is about as up-to-date as Sarah Palin's closet in a non-election year. So, like Tiger Woods, I've gotta get on top of that. Let's call this "one small step for man, and one giant leap for Butter." (And don't judge me for referring to myself in third person by my twitter handle.)
I also resolved to myself that I need to start getting out more. Between weekend trips to DC and my new found sport(?!?) Of GeoCaching, I've been fulfilling this resolution just fine. I'm hoping to visit all of the DC museums before the year's end, but I'd be happy with 50%. As for the GeoCaching, which for those of you that don't know, is essentially using billion dollar government satellites to find Tupperware hidden in the woods, it has kept me busy and exploring parts of Virginia that I otherwise would have ignored. (And Toasty likes it too.)
I also realized that there are a few important people in my life that I need to reconnect with. My small family is one of those "people." It's rough sometimes and I don't know that I'll ever be able to check this one off my list, because just like children, when it comes to family, you can't live with 'em and you can't shoot 'em.
My old pals from my Rhode Island days, Kelly & Monica, have been at the top of my "need to reconnect with asap" list for about 3 years now. Due to the circumstances of being a hippie, I never thought it would happen, but Kelly finally joined Facebook and we got back in touch about two weeks ago. You know how you can really tell who your good friends are? Vanish from each other's lives for 5 years and then get back together with them; if it feels like no time has gone by, you're golden. And I've got to say, as much as it blew losing touch, staying up watching the Olympics until 4am and drinking PBRs with good friends and a 20 pound cat never felt so right. Mission Accomplished. Next on that list: Theresa, Toni & Karbo.
Unfortunately this process has not been all good. In the process of knocking out some lines of my Two-Thousand-Ten-Do-List, I've been less than reliable when it comes to answering my cell and returning calls.
Believe it or not, that was one of my big ideas too. It's a pretty simple one: Answer the fcuking phone when people call you. I think to myself, 'If people are taking time out of their schedule to call you, you who has no job or pressing appointments, pause the motherfcuking DVR and answer the phone.' I just realized how bad I am with this, as I got angry typing that last sentence. I'll work on that, I promise.
Well it's 3am and my thumbs feel like they're about to fall off my sweaty palms after typing this entire blog post on my BlackBerry, so I'll bid you adieu, for now.
Until next time, America...
"Liberal Media Desecrates Sarah Palin Again!"
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
“Indeed, if political figures stand for ideas, victimization is what Ms. Palin is all about. It is her brand, her myth. Ronald Reagan stood tall. John McCain was about service. Barack Obama has hope. Sarah Palin is a collector of grievances. She runs for high office by griping.”
[WSJ via Wonkette]
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