Why does my life resemble that of a bad Lifetime movie about what young girls shouldn't do?" --electa, reacting to a long string of reminiscent emails between a bunch of old friends
...i was just fired via instant message.
"professionalism" at its best!
1. AVOID CUTS WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A SIMPLE MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
yes, these are cupcakes. pretty cool looking, but they're still cupcakes; so they probably still taste like dry-ass cake dust in typical cupcake fashion.
[cspan via nbcnightlynews]
so i find this situation to be pretty disturbing, but this story from the sun has some seriously potent quotables.
The shy lad, whose voice has not yet broken, said: "I thought it would be good to have a baby. I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”
We didn’t think we would need help from our parents. You don’t really think about that when you find out you are pregnant. You just think your parents will kill you.”
Other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things, like they have slept with Chantelle too," Patten says, "But I am the only boyfriend she has had and we've been together for two years, so I must be the dad. When she found out she was having a baby, I asked her 'Am I the dad?' and she went 'Yeah' so I believe her. I didn't know about DNA tests before, but Mum explained it's when they do a swab in your mouth and it tells you if you're the dad. So, if I have that, they can all shut up."
[sperm is getting weirder... via slog]
[baby-faced boy alfie... via thesun]
[alfie patten to take... via jezebel]
Nineteen-day-old male ox, 'Heart,' born with a heart-shaped marking on his forehead, relaxes at Yamakun Farm in Fujisawa, near Tokyo, Japan on Sunday, Feb. 8, 2009. Farm owner Kazunori Yamazaki, 51, said, “Good timing for Valentine['s Day].”That is straight up precious. I suddenly have Heart Shaped Box in my head, only I’m replacing Box with Ox.
But then you have the Duggars, who equally sicken me..." --molls' mom on 'octomom'
Bachs of Chocolate
Need a highbrow treat for a symphony enthusiast? Look no further! Bachs of Chocolate are the answer. Let them close their eyes and listen to the celebrated Toccata and Fugue in D Minor while nibbling Bach’s white chocolate ear. Allow me to suggest a pairing of the Cello Suites with dark chocolate, and perhaps the Sonatas and Partitas for violin solo with milk chocolate Bach.
Please treat lightly while listening to St. Matthew Passion. I won’t be held responsible for any unexpected Bachgasms. 
[via jaygrandin]
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