i just checked google analytics to get my website stats, and found some interesting keyword searches that led people to this site. i highlighted some of my favorites, including 'pubemaster' and 'soy sauce sex.' i'm so glad to know that i contribute to the importance of the world wide web.
[photo via offalgood]
1. AVOID CUTS WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A SIMPLE MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
brendan from slog did indeed forward my email, and he got this in response:
i emailed brendan kiley at the stranger today, asking if he thought the alaskan asswipe that made THIS and THIS would be making a new cake after today's plane crash in the hudson. he forwarded my message on to nowheresville alaska, and responded:
was i wrong in thinking that alaskans gave a shit about the exxon valdez? i was trying to hit below the belt, but i'm not sure if that came across as a weak jab.
so according to the email that this came from, i sent it to myself, though i don't recall it. and i have to admit, i didn't really get the tetris reference at first. penis enlargement spam probably makes up for about 25% of my spam folder on a daily basis, but "spread her legs wide with this" is probably the most creative subject line that i have ever seen. so, "what item YOU prefer in forward?" (whatever the fuck that means.)
more winning spam subject lines:
Sharon Was Moaning With Pleasure (my guess is that sharon must have been playing tetris.)Read more...
Cleanse Your Colon With Acai Juicebox House (wtf is a "juicebox house?")
Barack Obama Commemorative Toilet (i was curious about this one, but it turned out to be another colon cleansing site.)
Why Chinese Women Can't Pack On The Pounds ("rice & msg diet." no joke, that's what it was for.)
Free Passes to Paris Hilton's Gaping (gaping what? oh the suspense. the site was no longer available, so i guess we'll never know.)
stuff white people like has been on my google reader since the day i started reading blogs. it started like most successful blogs- as a human with a passion, a sense of humor, and a computer. its authors, christian lander & myles valentin, have seen their success grow to new heights in recent months with the publication of stuff white people like: the book, available HERE on amazon.
their continued success has lead them to design a t-shirt based on entries from their blog. they've teamed up with fat american to offer the sale of the new shirt, and a few weeks ago, christian asked for his readers to recommend a non-profit organization to receive the profits from the sale of the shirt. i, as well as several others i'm sure, recommended kiva microfunds to be the recipient of the profits from the stuff white people like t-shirt. of the over 500 non-profits that were sent in, christian & myles have chosen 11 to be voted on by the readers of their blog, and kiva.org has made the list!
kiva is an organization that allows people to lend money via the internet to micro-finance institutions in developing countries which in turn lend the money to small businesses. it is a non-profit organization based in san francisco that is supported by donations from its users and through partnerships with businesses and other institutions. kiva captures the entrepreneurial spirit of muhammad yunus, the bangladeshi banker and economist that singlehandedly introduced the idea of micro-loans to the modern world.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon
my igoogle gadget says it's caps lock day. so we should all get wasted. sounds good to me. after further research of the holiday, it seems as if it's been created by the ron paul for president campaign. check out the screen cap from the 'self proclaimed official home page of caps lock day,' where you are encouraged to write in ron paul on "novembre 5." "novembre 5?" good luck with that ron paul supporters...
of all the weird and wonderful things that i have eaten in my life, i feel that i have truly missed out on this one. and i urgently need to change that. i was watching a dinner: impossible marathon this weekend, and pork genius michael symon made chocolate covered bacon(!!), sprinkled with slivered almonds. yummo! am i weird for thinking that that sounds delicious? i don't think so. upon researching on google, i am even more pleased to find out that people all over the country are already enjoying this delicacy. which leads me to further wonder why so many americans are obese. it makes no sense to me.
i remember when i bought my first cell phone at sixteen. it was a prepaid motorola phone that was about the size of two sticks of butter. i think the company was called omnipoint. i felt so cool having a cell phone that i would call random numbers just to use it. not because i needed to speak to someone on the other end, but just because i could. these days, ten year olds have cell phones; but when i was sixteen, it was still the days when pagers were the "in" thing. this practice continued until i got my first bill, at which point pointless phone calls were no longer fun.
similarly, if not randomly, when i first got my google reader (which is arguably the most fantastic product in the google empire), the same thing happened. i subscribed to every blog and rss feed that i came across. it was fantastic. i was more "in the know" than anyone i know. i was the first to know when britney checked out of rehab, or when amy winehouse blew a line off a toilet seat, or when clay aiken surprised the world by announcing he was gay, or when tom cruise stopped being crazy. ok, so maybe that last thing hasn't happened yet, but you get the point. this practice was great until cruising the internet turned into such a chore, having to sift through 500 blog posts a day. needless to say, i quickly slimmed down my feeds to a more manageable and enjoyable number.
defamer.com was one of the blogs that had made the cut. i always thought of it as a less sleazy version of that skeezy perez hilton or the ambulance chasers of tmz. to be chic, i'll call it 'boutique celeb gossip.' that's my description of it, but you can use it, since i know you are going to steal it anyway. the whole point of this post, and yes, i do have one, is to share with you the glories of molls and her pup waganstuff. she works worked for defamer and provides the world with a never-longer-than-two-minute video that gives you the low down of the nightly entertainment out in hollywood. and although there's not a snowball's chance in hell that i would ever actually attend any of the functions she mentions, being that i'm on the east coast, i still look forward to her daily antics every night. whether she's talking clay aiken or vagina costumes or headlines or beyonce, she rocks my world. sometimes, i literally roflmao. unfortunately, due mostly to george w. bush running our country into the ground, this coming week will be molls' last. i must say though, under the circumstances, she's really going out with a bang. in the three or four months that she's been filming the to-do's, this past week has offered some of the best. especially THIS one from last week, that actually has a really awesome message woven into the wagandstuff mambo. i seriously encourage you to check it out HERE. so go ahead, put a ring on it...
[to do: the song of the summer is a little late via defamer]
in celebration of world vegetarian day today, i ate bacon (happy rosh hashanah too!) for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch (i know, hot dogs are arguably considered meat), and i'm planning on a nice rare steak for dinner. how will you celebrate?
i think that anthony bourdain has pretty much summed up my feelings on vegetarians best in his book 'a cook's tour.'
[a cook's tour: global adventures in extreme cuisine, by anthony bourdain] Read more..."...It was difficult for me to be polite (though I was outnumbered). I’d recently returned [to California] from Cambodia, where a chicken can be the difference between life and death. These people in their comfortable suburban digs were carping about cruelty to animals but suggesting that everyone in the world, from suburban Yuppie to starving Cambodian cyclo-driver, start buying organic vegetables and expensive soy substitutes. To look down on entire cultures that’ve based everything on the gathering of fish and rice seemed arrogant in the extreme. (I’ve heard of vegans feeding their dogs vegetarian meals, now that’s cruelty to animals.) And the hypocrisy of it all pissed me off. Just being able to talk about this issue in reasonably grammatical language is a privilege, subsidized in a yin/yang sort of a way, somewhere, by somebody taking it in the neck. Being able to read these words, no matter how stupid, offensive, or wrongheaded, is a privilege, your reading skills the end product of a level of education most of the world will never enjoy. Our whole lives - our homes, the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the food we eat - are all built on a mountain of skulls. "Meat," say the PETA folks, "is ‘murder’." And yes, the wide world of meat eating can seem like a panorama of cruelty at times. But is meat ‘Murder’? Fuck no."
"Murder, as one of my Khmer pals might tell you, is what his next-door neighbor did to his whole family back in the seventies. Murder is what happens in Cambodia, in parts of Africa, Central and South America, and in former Soviet Republics when the police chief’s idiot son decides he wants to turn your daughter into a whore and you don’t like the idea. Murder is what Hutus do to Tutsis, Serbs to Croats, Russians to Uzbeks, Crips to Bloods. And Vice Versa. It’s a black Chevy Suburban (which, more than likely, US taxpayers paid for) pulling up outside your house at three in the morning and dragging away your suspiciously unpatriotic and over opinionated son. Murder is what that man sitting across from you in Phnom Penh does for a living - so he can afford a satellite dish for his roof, so he can watch our Airwolf reruns, MTV Asia, and Pam Anderson running in slow motion down a Southern California beach."
"Hide in your fine homes and eat vegetables, I was thinking. Put a Greenpeace or NAACP bumper sticker on your Beemer if it makes you feel better (so you can drive your kids to their all white schools). Save the rainforest - by all means - so maybe you can visit it someday, on an ecotour, wearing comfortable shoes made by twelve-year-olds in forced labor. Save a whale while millions are still sold into slavery, starved, fucked to death, shot, tortured, forgotten. And when you see cute little kids crying in rubble next to Sally Struthers on TV, be sure to send a few dollars."
more political stupidity from the bowels of my gmail inbox. this is from a conversation that i was having back and forth with my seriously republican friend electa soon after the rnc last week.
me--rimshot. Read more...
was she [sarah palin] trying to be cute when she introduced her husband as the "first dude of alaska?" because it wasn't.
that's just reason #786543332 why she's a HORRIBLE running mate.
electa--
No that is what the people of Alaska have been calling him for a while.
And “I’m an Obama Mama” is one [campaign pin] that people were wearing at the convention- that’s not exactly "CORRECT."
me--
her stupid ass introduced him as that at one point. i heard it. youtube it bitch. and i agree, obama mama is just as bad as, well, it has nothing to do with the candidate. it's like the idiots with the "i'm on the mccain gang" t-shirts. stupid, but nothing wrong with it. is that supposed to be a reference to a chain gang? if so, do people really want to be on the mccain chain gang? i could see it now: the exxon, sunoco, texaco families all leave the rnc with their diamond encrusted mccain pins, chained together while swinging their sickles on the railroad tracks. it'd be like a deleted scene from 'cool hand luke.'
i'll be leaving richmond tomorrow and heading north to alexandria, where i'll be making a stop to see my little nuggets cutlets, hayley & gianna. they are getting ginormous and now have teeth! then i'll be back in the poc-o-hos on wednesday.
i have photos from my trip and much to discuss; including my horrifying rest-stop experience, the killer geese, and by then, i'm sure more political banter.
see ya'll you all real soon!
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