Amazon Bargains That You Should Probably Pass Up...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

i know that times are tough, and i'm all about being thrifty, but there are some bargains that you should probably avoid. used cars=good. used clothes=good. used sex toys=not fucking good. i found these used "bargains" on amazon. i urge you to avoid them, buy them at wal-mart if you have to.

maybe it's because i have that phobia about ear juices, but used ear buds? go ahead and spend the extra $2.00 and buy the new ones. after all, you probably saved that much buying generic "cotton swabs" instead of real q-tips.

you might be wondering why a "used pastry brush" isn't a good "bargain." here's why: they are typically used for applying greasy substances like butter or bbq sauce to food; nobody, and i mean nobody, can get them completely clean. as a matter of fact, that's probably why you're buying a new one, because your current one is so greasy that it skeeves you out. again, spend the extra $2.00 or you'll end up with botulism.

the plunger in my own bathroom grosses me out, so i certainly don't want to buy a plunger with remnants of your turd nuggets on it.

although the typically "contaminated" part is missing from these adorable panties, just the thought of strangers sharing loin juices sends shivers down my spine. then again, there's nothing typical about crotchless panties.

if i learned anything from my high school sex ed teacher ms. ballway, it's that condoms are for sissies "prevent pregnancy & the spread of sexually transmitted diseases." when i think of used condoms, i picture the tribe of duggar's sitting around their mess hall with condoms & safety pins. you know, as part of their mission for jesus, to spread the quiverfull faith. no thanks. i'll stick with cvs.

eeeeeeeeew. that's just gross.

this reminds me of a joke that i heard once, something with a punchline about buying dildos at garage sales because they are cheaper. again, gross.

i've heard "don't knock it until you try it," but no matter how i try, i can't imagine how a chain on golf balls could possibly feel good in an ass. mine or yours. and furthermore, i also can't imagine the substances found on said strand of used golf balls upon retrieval. so again dear amazon, i'll have to politely decline your booty-bead "bargains."

...i will, however, continue to use you for your free pepsi mp3 downloads. (thanks for that.)

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