Will Work For Food...

i stumbled onto this picture in my cellphone's online photo album tonight. i remember vividly the morning that i took it, and just about everything else about the three months that followed it. it was taken during a very strange period in my life; one that i would love to learn from and forget about, but instead i feel that i am constantly reminded of and wonder- 'just how much different is my life now?'

i woke up in the passenger seat of my car. in the colosseum parking garage at caesars in atlantic city. i had worked the day before, for literally, 34 hours straight. still exhausted and groggy, i was woken up by a single beam of sunlight, no larger than a dime, blasting from god knows where, right into my eye, broken up only by the cross hanging from my rearview mirror.

i don't often remember my dreams, and most of the time when i do, i would prefer to classify them as nightmares. but this particular morning, for some odd reason, i remembered every second of my dream. and right now, nearly 1 year later, i still remember it as if it just happened. i was having a heart-to-heart with god. not necessarily 'God' in the proper form, but with whom i can only assume was my god. he, for the record, looked very much like dennis miller (cir. 1990) with the intriguing eyes of franklin roosevelt. but he was outlining my life, concentrating as i recall, more heavily and in more depth on the present and near future. he was aware of everything, as i had not said a word, but i heard it all just as i had lived it. at the end of the reflection, he said "when the time comes you'll know what to do and you'll know when to do it." cue: beam of sunlight.

as i mentioned before, i had just worked 34 hours straight, hadn't showered or changed in that time, and hadn't had a day off in about 3 weeks. my life at the time consisted mainly of work, coupled with excess alcohol, drugs and debauchery. all the work, all the play, and i wake up in my car; not because i was responsible and didn't drive home after drinking, but because for 3 months of my life, my car was my home. for 3 months i lived at 2005 jeep liberty lane. and no one knew it. i had a semi-high profile job at a company that was "going places and taking me with it." i 'moved' into a post office box, stashed my stuff in a storage locker, and pretended to show up to work everyday chipper and well-rested.

as frank warren once said, "there are some secrets we keep from others, and other's we keep from ourselves." i spent many a nights thinking about where i was going, and where i was going to end up. how long could i do this? how long could i hide it? i wasn't sure. i couldn't answer my own questions, so i shut it all out. pretended that it wasn't happening. i decided to keep this secret from myself and everyone else. i went about my days without others having a clue. in fact, some of those people that i was hiding it from will read this now, and i hope they can look back and see the answer to the 'why?'

i think my biggest fear was about being judged. i wasn't supposed to be in this situation. i wasn't meant to be in this situation. but i was, and still, a year later, haven't completely recovered from it. i'm really trying to start a brand new chapter in my life. i feel like getting this off of my chest is something that i've needed to do for a long time. i think it will answer the question 'why?' for more than just my coworkers from that time.

i've carried a worn copy of this poem in my wallet since that day. it reminded me of what i was hiding from, and of how much worse it could get. the first time that i read it, i used it as a checklist to see how far i had fallen. i wasn't looking good, that was for sure. but time they say heals all wounds. and although i am still struggling to put my past into my past, i feel like this is a huge step. i can only hope that the judgement and ridicule isn't affirmed...

Will Work For Food by Rose Limongi

Who am I?
I am me; humble and alone
I am your son, your daughter, and your ex-
I am your friend, your lover, and a skeleton
I am a woman, a mother, and a child
I am a former CEO, a POW, disabled
I am a genius, an ex-convict, and prostitute
I am a druggie, an alcoholic, mentally ill
I am an annoyance, an embarrassment, and a cheat
I am filthy, robbed of my humanity, beaten down
I am playing the system, faking it (or am I?)
I am choosing to live this way – I could work if I wanted
I am living under bridges, in libraries, dumpsters and cars
I am an angel, a threat, a danger, and a pitiful reminder of failure
I am demanding – begging for leftovers and money
I am despicable for smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol
I am not responsible enough to love others, so you say
I am the person you judge each and every day
I am me; humble and alone

How many times will people judge me – naked and exposed?
My life and all my worldly goods contained in a sack
My shopping cart filled with your disposable consumer goods
My dining experience is your garbage, dumpster for 1 please
My healthcare is non-existent unless I’m left for dead
My conversations with people are from a distance
My mind aches from watching the haves tip the scales
My soul, no longer intact, has been scorched with hatred
I am me; humble and alone

You don’t want to see me, you hate me, and you despise me
You pity me, judge me, curse me, you wish I would go away
You throw money at me in disgust; shout obscenities and sneer
You nearly run me over – justifying the act in your mind
You head to toe me with disgusted eyes then make me invisible
You fear getting too close for smell or threat of crime
You lock your doors; take the safety off your gun beside you
You tell me to “get a fucking job you loser”
You ban me from earning any money on roads
You ban me from public places you enjoy
You deny me my basic civil rights because I lack a home
I am me; humble and alone

What you don’t realize is this
What I once was and who I have become are irrelevant
What I need matters far more ultimately
Buy me a meal at a fast food restaurant; then sit with me
Talk to me; get to know my story
Keep some easily opened, non-perishable foods in your car
Give me the greatest gift of all - a smile
Remember that I am human, with wants, needs, and desires
Never forget that you too, are one or two paychecks away
From the life you now sit in judgment of
Remember that it is only with each other that we all survive
Alone and apart – we die of spiritual starvation
Souls executed for being nothing more than - fallible, human
Extend the hand of love and friendship – invest in me again
Retrieve me from the vast wasteland of solitude and depression
Fertilize my mind with ideas and hope once more
Don’t abandon me when I fail, or fall back on bad habits
Be firm, yet fair – for I am you in one or two paychecks
I am me; humble and alone.

'Will Work For Food...' © 2004 Rose Limongi