Thursday, January 22, 2009
i believe congratulations are in order. you've inspired so many to hope, and as i am keenly aware, you are anxious to get right to work in the oval office. and on that note, i've compiled this list of executive orders for your perusal and signature at your earliest convenience.NEW RULE #1: stop pop-up ads for classmates.com. there's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. because you don't particularly like them. besides, i already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
NEW RULE #2: don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. people are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of wendy's chili. hey, it costs less than a dollar. what did you expect it to contain? kobe beef? you're lucky it was only a thumb.
NEW RULE #3: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. here's how much us men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? okay, we're done.
NEW RULE #4: there's no such thing as flavored water. there's an entire aisle devoted to that crap at the grocery store. water, but without that watery taste. sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. and stop acting surprised that it's not packed with your daily dose of vitamins and minerals. you want flavored water? pour some grand marnier over ice and let it melt. now that's flavored water.
NEW RULE #5: the more complicated your starbucks order, the bigger the asshole you are. this has always been the case, but these days if i'm in need of caffeine bad enough to spring $5 for a cup of coffee, i'm not going to have much patience for your long-ass yuppie order. so if you walk into starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet n' low," you're a huge asshole. remember that.
NEW RULE #6: just because your tattoo has chinese characters in it doesn't make you "spiritual." it's right above the crack of your ass. and for all you know it translates to "beef with broccoli." the last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to god you weren't pregnant. you're not spiritual, you're probably just high. and on top of all that, the phone is ringing, it's 1999, they want their tattoo back.
NEW RULE #7: competitive eating is not a sport. it's one of the seven deadly sins. and it's funny how asians make fun of americans for being fattys and then they show up at the nathan's lips-and-ass eating contest and take the crown every year. espn even televises it now. because those "athletes" at the poker table are so 2008. what's next, competitive farting? oh wait, they're already doing that. it's called "the howard stern show."
NEW RULE #8: if you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the theater a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place, it's because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. and on top of that, there's also a reason that it used to be a television show.
NEW RULE #9: enough already with the gift registries. it used to be just for weddings. now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
NEW RULE #10: this one is long overdue: no more bathroom attendants. after i zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like i just had sex with george michael. and it's even worse when you can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. i don't want to be on your webcam, dude. i just want to wash my hands.
NEW RULE #11: when i ask how old your toddler is, i don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. he's not a cheese. and besides, i didn't really care in the first place.
NEW RULE #12: all americans should have the reserved right to stab anyone in the eye with an icicle that says, "cold enough for ya?" no asswipe, i actually prefer my testicles hiding behind my nipples while my snot freezes on my upper lip. and on that note, wanna make out?
thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.
sir i. sweat butter III