They Call It the Clean AND Jerk...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

...but something tells me this guy won't be doing much of either anytime soon.

although i'm all for team usa in the olympics, my heart goes out to this dude, a weightlifter from my dad's homeland of hungary. watch closely. i promise it's NOT some cheesy poltergeist video, it's real footage from the olympics in beijing. ENJOY!


**YOUTUBE KEEPS BOOTING THE VIDEOS, TRY THIS LINK.

is anyone else curious about what those people with the cardboard shields do for the 23.5 hours a day that someone's arm isn't being violently popped out of it's socket?

my guess: they're stuffing egg rolls.

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UPDATE: Coolest Moments...

as i posted over the weekend in THIS post, george w. was corrected by his wife, laura 'reason #2738645 why not to run with scissors' bush, on how to hold the american flag properly. thanks to my dear reader, the sausage queen of deerfield beach, here is a photo (with included caption) prepatrioticlesson.

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Cheese Update: Here's Your Damn Coupon...

in response to 'Cheese: The Totally Other Food Group.'

Oh, the wretched doubters of me! Rude infidels! Unbelievers! How silly they are. Behold the following, comment 26 from this post:
I think this is a crock of horse hockey. Fred Meyer coupons are very specific about the products they’re good for. And I’ve never seen a manufacturer’s coupon for “any dairy product.” Scan the coupon for us to see.
Posted by smells like a fish tale | August 11, 2008 9:19 PM
“Horse hockey”, indeed! Well, then, dear “smells like a fish tale”…because you insist:

Yes. There it is, the coupon: all fugly and scanned and coupon-ey, just for you. And as you can clearly see, it says, ahem, ANY FUCKING DAIRY PURCHASE, just I like I said it said—and just like you insisted it probably didn’t. There are no restrictions, and nowhere—front or back—does it say anything resembling, “Oh! And, uh, cheese doesn’t count for some unfathomable reason!” And so. I win of course. And I shall expect your sincere apology, in writing, double spaced, immediately. Notarized couldn’t hurt.

And thanks in advance.

[slog by adrian ryan for the stranger]

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Cheese: The Totally Other Food Group...

this totally cracked me up, so i felt the need to share it with "ya'll." it was written by adrian ryan of the stranger on their slog.

I was grocery shopping at the Ballard Fred Meyer with a dear friend. (I don’t grocery shop personally; I just swoop down upon the screaming villagers.) And this friend? Well let’s get all in the open: she uses coupons. Coupons! By the fistful. She does it without blushing or regret, and I say God fucking bless her. The strength to use coupons is a courage I shall never possess.

Now, let us not quibble over facts: Cheese is a dairy product. Unless I have been grossly misinformed, it is pretty much THE dairy product. If we were playing Pictionary and the phrase was “dairy”, I’d draw a big triangular fucking piece of cheese (with some nice Swiss holes in it) and you’d scream “DAIRY!” and we’d win. That cheese is a dairy product and nothing else is the single universal governing principle upon which the entire universe revolves. Wee bitty children understand this. All else is madness.

But just you try telling that to Fred Meyer.

So my good friend had a coupon for, you guessed it, one dairy product. Simple! “Redeemable for one dairy purchase, retail value of $3” it said, and so she produced it to the checkout woman along with a perfectly reasonable package of cheese. Medium Cheddar, in lovely unwrapped slices, retail value $3.99. And the check-er-outer lady looked at it a while and said (without the slightest trace of irony),

“I don’t think cheese is a dairy product.”

Oh. Um. Well. Yes. Um. WHAT?

“No, they don’t consider cheese a dairy product.”

They? WHO precisely is this “they” that don’t "consider cheese a dairy product"!?

“Fred Meyer Corporation.”

Oh. Of course. Fred Meyer Corporation. Indeed. Who else?

You’re fucking joking, yes?

“No.”

And so my friend paid $3.99 for her cheese, and saved the coupon for another day and a real dairy product. Like light bulbs, or deodorant.

Cheese is not dairy! Fred Meyer has spoken!

knowing the good old slog, there should be some good responses to this. i'll be sure to keep you abreast if anything funny comes up.

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Buttery New Music: 5 Artists you should have on your ipod but probably don't...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

i got about two dozen emails yesterday about the dawn metschele song 'dominoes' that i posted in the morning. my friend jacki emailed me and said that she wanted me to send her a list of unknown artists that i listen to, because "[i] always find the good shit." so jacki, and anyone else that's interested, here's my top 5 list of artist's that you should have on your ipod, but probably don't.

1: zach macko & far north
it's the reincarnation of the group you've heard me call the 'zach macko band' in the past. same singer/songwriters, zach macko & jeff soriano, new band. i've been listening to these guys for years, often making the three hour trek north to hoboken when i was living in atlantic city. though i haven't had the opportunity to see them live in some time, seldom does a day go by that i don't hear a song or two from one of their albums in my car or on my ipod. 'songs from my room' and their second album 'the doorway' offer what a like to call 'a view from the hudson;' comforting, both lyrically and musically, zach macko & far north captures the essence of what living in the big apple and being from jersey is all about- passion, truth and bitter honesty.


[zach macko & far north myspace]
[zach macko & far north itunes]
my top 2 zach macko & far north picks: 'the words' & 'world.'

2: brendan james
i remember when i was younger, hearing george winston tapping the ivories and having chills run down my spine. brendan james offers that same musical invigoration along with lyrics that leave me emotionally contented. his recently released album 'the day is brave,' is honest and raw from beginning to end, with lyrics that many, especially myself, can relate to. if there is one thing that i can't stand in music, it's when amazing singing and songwriting like brendan's is over-produced; brendan james is anything everything but.


[brendan james myspace]
[brendan james itunes]
my top 2 picks from brendan james: 'green' & 'hero's song.'

3: steve means
cd baby describes his music as "sounding like sex in the musical form," and in some respects, i'd have to agree. each song has a true beginning, middle and end, with an endless string of aural pleasure that weaves throughout. he has that uncanny ability to transport you someplace else with his lyrics and his melodic hooks. a transportation that i often look for in my regular musical selections. another musical relationship made thanks to the glories of myspace.


[steve means myspace]
[steve means itunes]
my top 2 from steve means: 'rescue me' & 'calm down.'

4: sharon little
i first heard sharon little when i watched that new tv show the cleaner, where her song 'follow that sound' plays during the ending credits. that song perfectly mirrors the emotional rollercoaster that the characters of the show face each and every episode. it's without a doubt some of the most soulful music on my ipod, but with enough pop & funk to keep me listening. definately a cool find.


[sharon little myspace]
[sharon little itunes]
my sharon little picks: 'follow that sound' & 'set you free.'

5: two spot gobi
i highly recommend the melodious funk of two spot gobi, especially if you are trying to set a new world record for cleaning your house. throw your buds in your ears with 'sunshine lady' on repeat, and guaranteed- your ENTIRE house will be clean in 30 minutes. rarely does a group have the ability to put such pep in your step like this group, but they consistantly do it with each track. and what's cooler than a band with cello? nothing. i bet michael phelps listens to 'sunshine lady' on his ipod before every race.


[two spot gobi myspace]
[two spot gobi itunes]
pick these tracks up from two spot gobi: 'sunshine lady' & 'hey now.'

music is a very personal thing; much like our DNA, no two people posess the exact same taste in music. that's what makes it so great. with that being said, i offer these tunes as recommendations- take them or leave them, but at least give them a chance. you can get info about live performances, as well as check out more of their songs on myspace by clicking the links under each artist's video; and they all have their music available for cheap on itunes. happy listening...

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Floating & Falling...

Monday, August 11, 2008



[dawn mitschele]

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The French Talk Smack, The U.S. Kick Ass...

UPDATE: HERE is a link to a video of the entire race.

in today's edition of "team usa pride," the unsurprisingly arrogant french swimmers "[we] came to beijing to win this race," or at least that's what they told a reporter in the olympic village. this race being the 4x100 freestyle relay which has been out the hands of u.s. athletes for eight years. team usa: michael phelps, garrett weber-gale, new jersey native cullen jones, and jason lezak never responded to the threat of the french beating the u.s. in the race; and held tight to a medaling position throughout it. however, in the last 5 or so meters, jason lezak gained about 2 body lengths to beat the french by 7/100 of a second. how's that for pulse pounding entertainment? i screamed so loud that my cat teo ran for cover under my bed. i then settled down and celebrated with a piping hot plate of french freedom fries. GO USA!!!

in further, yet brief and comincal news, the 'redeem team' beat china this morning 101-70. i think it's the first time that i have ever watched an entire basketball game in my life. (of course in the olympics, and entire basketball game is also over in 40 minutes.) there is both photo AND video of george w. raising the roof in celebration of the win; a feat that is sure to make it onto david letterman. i'd be willing to bet i'll be able to enjoy it again on tomorrow night's show.

just one more thing- who the hell raises the roof anymore? that's so 1998.

[check out nbcolympics.com]

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Buttery New Music: Dawn Mitschele...

it's been a while since i have attempted to push my somewhat eclectic musical tastes on you, my dear readers. but this song was absolutely too fantastic not to pass on. most of you are aware on my penchant for all things jason mraz and the like, and san diego native dawn mitschele is, well, jason mraz with a vagina. this song is called dominoes, go ahead, take a listen.

check out her site HERE.

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The Coolest Moments of the Olympics...

Saturday, August 09, 2008

the olympics stand for something so much greater than any one of us. i remember coming to that realization for the first time while watching the winter olympics in lillehammer, norway in 1994. it's an idea that is easily lost in the shuffle of current day politics and utter bullshit. iraq, iran, myanmar, north korea, france, etc. and the unsolicited opinion of the united states being shoved down the throats of the world. all of the hatred and misunderstandings. all of the differences of opinion. but at the opening ceremonies of the olympics in beijing, it was simply people of many nations, gathered in unity. when the athletes of the countries that i mentioned earlier entered the stadium, you could hear the hesitation in the voice of the great bob costas; only to be changed each and every time by the welcoming jubiliance of the awaiting crowd. praised for fighting the good fight. for struggling through the political, religious and personal adversity that was poised to hold them back. they all we all made it. "through the fire, to the limit, to the wall." to remind ourselves to live in the day and take care of our own. to remind ourselves what PRIDE really is.

i personally, don't think that these olympics could have come at a better time for our country. in a time of such uncertainty, where we ourselves are faced with facing our own diversity. our unstable economy and the denial regarding it, the rising numbers of homeless and jobless americans, and the never ending mudslinging of our "great" political system; all in the face of a people to hungry for change. and so, i have decided to make a point of watching and even celebrating our achievements in beijing at least once a day, but that doesn't just mean gold medals and world records. it means recognizing the humanity of the games and the camaraderie between nations.

humility is the subject of the first photo today. when i watched this happening on tv this afternoon, it sent shivers down my spine, and it wasn't meant to be noticed. i have always appreciated the rare occasion when i see someone of celebrity status do something that makes me realize that they are actually human. you know, when you have never seen a person in the flesh, and all you do is see photos of them on the news and in the tabloids, they can seem very unreal. but today, as the women's fencing event came to a close (an event that was swept by team usa!), former president bush shared a special moment with an olympian. after the medal ceremony awarding the first gold, silver and bronze medals to our athletes, the three young ladies were greeted by the former president who had been watching the event all morning. he posed behind them as their families and the press took photos. after the photos were taken, bronze medalist becca ward turned around and shook his hand, at which time she was overwhelmed with emotion. as the tears began to fall on her cheek, president bush reached in his pocket with his free hand and handed her his handkerchief, without hesitation. a mark of a true gentleman. regardless of anything else, he gained my respect today.

the baltimore bullet has done it again. winning his 9th career olympic medal today. he faces the added pressure of breaking a 36 year old record for most medals in a single olympics, yet he does it with a pride and sportsmanship that is unparalleled. it's exciting to have such pride in someone that represents our country, and i must say i am full of it. i'm a phelps phan.

i was really surprised to hear that george w. was the first u.s. president to attend the opening ceremonies of a foreign olympic games, and regardless of his actual intentions, that is commendable. he and his wife, "why you should never run with scissors" laura, also attended michael phelps' gold medal swim yesterday, where they proudly waived their american flags. it's funny to see them in the stands with no visible security, and sitting amongst commoners. i have included below the photo, the actual caption that was posted with it on nbcolympics.com. it made me laugh.
"President Bush waives his flag in celebration of the gold medal victory of Michael Phelps in the 400m im, after First Lady Laura Bush corrects him for holding it backwards."

photos from: [www.nbcolympics.com]

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Tonight, Not Again...

Friday, August 08, 2008

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TAGGED: 7 (more) Little Things...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

i've never been blog tagged before, until queen spleen got me the other day. i suppose i could have made my "100 little things" post "107 little things" and called it a day, but instead, i've come up with a seperate 7, with a bit more detail and pictures. how fun? much i tell you, much. so here we go-

uno: though i'm sure i never met adam herz, the guy who wrote the 'american pie' movies, he certainly knew a lot about me and my friends from high school; at least enough to write the biography of our lives. to this day, i can't watch either of the first two installments without getting emotional. our lives to a T.

dos: if you gave me the opportunity to delete any two words from the english language, they would be moist and trundle. moist is just a really dirty word, i'm pretty sure you could describe something just as well using the word "damp," so lets go ahead and do that from now on people. trundle, according to webster's means to roll; usually used to describe a trundle bed. a trundle bed? seriously? if you have one, i think your phone is ringing; you better get it, it's carol brady, she needs her furniture back in 1969. a trundle bed, could just as easily be called a hide-a-bed or a roll-a-bed, therefore no longer necessitating the need for the word trundle. and god forbid you happen to have moist sheets on your trundle bed, you may just find me hanging from a helicopter, by a piece of dental floss tied around my little toe, over a pit of snakes. backspace, backspace, DELETE. thank you for your anticipated cooperation in dealing with this matter.

tres: more than any other thing in this world, (with the possible exceptions of snakes, clowns, dolls with freckles, elisabeth hasselbeck and tom cruise) i HATE, HATE, HATE alarm clocks. they serve no joyous purpose in anyone's life. some of you may consider them a necessary evil, i think that they should be banned from the surface of the earth and sent in a rocket on the next mission to mars. the best way for me to ensure myself that i'll have a bad day, is to set my alarm clock before bed. it NEVER fails.

cuatro: i have a tattoo. it's on my left wrist. i drew it myself, while i was living in a roach motel on the white horse pike in atlantic city. people always ask me what it means. it represents my family. here it is.

cinco: i love playing with elbow skin. you know, the excess flap of loose skin that stretches when you bend your arm, but just hangs there when your arm is straight? i like to tug on it. and play with it. most people are uncomfortable when i do it to them, especially if i don't ask first. the truth is, i don't have any, so i have to play with yours. :)

seis: i don't mind doing laundry. yours, mine, whatever. i'll wash it. dry it. even fold it if i have to, but i don't do socks. mating them that is. i'd rather roll around naked in a field of poison ivy with an entire family of rattlesnakes.

siete: although i plan on having well behaved children, they won't step into a restaurant until they are 5 years old. not even mcdonald's. (the one and only exception to this rule is chuck e. cheese, in which case, there must be a chaperone in place, because i don't do chuck e. cheese.) the reason for this, is that i understand that children cry and throw tantrums, but before the age of 5, you don't always see them coming and they are more difficult to control. few things bother me more in restaurants than having to listen to your little brat screaming because he doesn't want to eat his broccoli and his red crayon broke. i plan on making my future purchase of a house based on how many available 13 year old babysitters live on the block. then, on my son bobo's 6th birthday, we'll fire said babysitter and meet you out for dinner. until then, that reservation is for two, thank you very much.

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THANK YOU!!!

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Merry Christmas, Shitter was Full...

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

when this truck pulled in the driveway this morning to suck out the septic tank, i got a good laugh from the words on the side of the truck: "we suck it up & deal with it."
the hilarity of the siuation was quickly overpowered by the sheer frustration, when this happened:
so the macgyver in me made this, a cover, to deal with the shit (pun intended) another day. until then you may ask: "what are you going to do, shit in a bucket?" to which i say, "does a bear shit in the woods?"

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100 Little Things...

i'm overjoyed
i'm over loved and feeling lucky
like a little boy who's just,
who's hiding under cover
and looking to discover
every way to play the part inside this darkened cave
the meaning of life well it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and i hope you see mine
~1000 things~ ~jason mraz~

me not writing lately hasn't been so much that i haven't had much to say, but more about how i'm not sure how to say it; and sometimes the most persuasive things are silent. prior to my two earlier posts from last night, it has been a while. and until my friend spleeness shot me a message, i was having trouble getting my act together. so in an attempt to get the proverbial juices flowing again, i've gone ahead and made a list of 100 things about me. (an idea that i totally swiped from her.) some of these things you may know, some you may not. at the same time, some you may wish you didn't know, but i'm fine with that too. feel free to comment if you wish, it would be appreciated as always.

and now, without further adieu...

100 little things about me.

1. I clean my ears everyday. Not because they are dirty, but because it feels good. Eargasms are awesome.

2. For the most part, I don’t mind generic brand products. Some products, however, cannot be substituted; one of those happens to be q-tips. Another is Heinz ketchup. You can keep your “cotton swabs” and “catsup.”

3. I totally have a man crush on Justin Timberlake.

4. I don’t do mornings. And by ‘mornings’ I mean the first 3-4 hours after waking up from 3-4 hours of sleep. If I am awake at 7am, you better hope I’m still up from the night before or else watch the hell out.

5. I despise snakes. I think it’s because I don’t, regardless of who tries to explain it to me, understand how they move.

6. I also despise dolls with freckles. Not really sure of the reason, though I’m pretty sure Chucky & his bride have something to do with it.

7. I love coffee. The darker the better. My purpose in life is to find the perfect cup.

8. I always sleep with a comforter on. In the winter I keep the window open and in the summer I pump the AC, all so I can keep warm under the covers.

9. I can’t sleep with socks on.

10. The worst feeling in the world is walking around in socks and stepping in something wet. Wet socks=DISGUSTING.

11. I can hold full conversations with certain people speaking only in movie and Saturday Night Live quotes.

12. I overuse certain words and phrases. Examples would include “divine” and “I wouldn’t be more serious if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet.”

13. I am probably the least jealous person alive.

14. I enjoy vacuuming because it fills me with a sense of accomplishment.

15. I can’t stand when people talk to me while I’m vacuuming, I must do it in complete silence. This is because you can hear noise coming from someone’s mouth if they talk to you, but you can’t actually hear what they are saying. That frustrates me, think about it. It’s annoying right?

16. I love going grocery shopping with a huge list and no money except the grocery money. I enjoy trying to get everything for a set amount of money. Typically, I end up with change.

17. I enjoy sand in my toes.

18. I love flip-flops.

19. I love shoes, but would rather be barefoot.

20. I bite my nails a lot. To the point that my fingertips hurt sometimes. That’s what you get for quitting smoking. (That and 20 extra pounds!)

21. I appreciate expensive shampoo. Redken is actually better and not because it costs more.

22. I collect books that I want to read, but I tend to reread the same ones over and over again.

23. I’ve read Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain 14 times.

24. My office space is always cluttered. Cluttered and organized. I always know where everything is, even if it’s a post-it in the center of a pile of papers.

25. People who can’t spell annoy me.

26. People who use poor grammar annoy me too.

27. People who mix up words that sound the same make me want to shoot a staple into my cornea. i.e. two, too, to.

28. I sleep on my stomach. Even if I’m on the couch.

29. I only snore when I am sick.

30. My favorite time of year is from Halloween to New Years.

31. With the addition of the 4th of July, because 4th of July BBQs are fantastic!

32. I don’t celebrate my birthday.

33. I don’t like when random people say Happy Birthday to me. Like when you run into a friend in the mall within a day or two of your birthday, and they are shopping with a friend that they work with, that you have never met before- and they say “happy birthday” and then the random friend feels obligated and says “happy birthday.” Happy birthday from a random person? I’d rather drink motor oil.

34. I’m not a huge fan of milk. One thing you’ll NEVER hear come out of my mouth- “I could really go for an ice cold glass of milk.”

35. When I do consume milk, I am VERY conscious of the expiration date.

36. I have no food allergies and I appreciate that.

37. I love artificial cherry flavoring.

38. Therefore I enjoy anything that is artificially cherry flavored.

39. I wish all food was “gummi.” I love gummi anything, especially worms.

40. I listen to a wide array of music. Literally some of everything.

41. Classical music makes me angry.

42. I think all gold jewelry looks cheap.

43. I don’t like making plans. I prefer to go with the flow.

44. I wander when I brush my teeth. I almost NEVER stand in front of the sink when I do it.

45. I’ve cracked my head open three times.

46. I hate when people try and beat around the bush. Just spit it out.

47. And be honest. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.

48. Don’t expect me to censor my opinion. That’ll never happen.

49. I’ve never been arrested. Officially at least.

50. I hate car payments.

51. I’ll cook you a delicious 8 course meal and I’ll enjoy every minute of it, but I won’t wash a single dish.

52. I can sleep through anything, but I can’t fall asleep if it’s not silent.

53. I’ve been homeless and have lived in my car.

54. I hate making multiple trips with groceries; I’d rather injure myself carrying everything at once.

55. My favorite bottled beverages: b-Relaxed VitaminWater, Wild Cherry Pepsi and Snapple Lemon Tea.

56. My favorite bottled water: Panna. But it has to be in a glass bottle.

57. I’m addicted to the entire Law & Order franchise. It doesn’t matter how many times I have seen an episode, I’ll still watch it again.

58. When it comes to competition shows on TV, like Dancing with the Stars or Next Food Network Star, I have anxiety if I miss an episode and didn’t get to see who got the boot. I feel like when I watch shows like that for so many weeks, that I invested so much time in them that would all go to waste if I missed an episode. I know, its neurotic, but it’s me.

59. I love Volkswagens.

60. I love driving with the windows down when it’s freezing cold and blasting the heat on super-hot-as-balls.

61. I’m totally whipped on NBC news. I cannot watch any other news channel because the newscasters are typically asshats. And by NBC, I mean NBC New York. When I lived in South Jersey and North Carolina, and now Pennsylvania, I’ve never cared about the “local” news, New York news is always my “local” news no matter where I am.

62. When it comes to eating strange food, I’ll try anything a dozen times before I decide whether I actually like it or not.

63. I love wine, especially red.

64. I especially love the warm & toasty feeling that you get after consuming copious amounts of wine.

65. Beer is delicious and I truly appreciate the difference in different styles of beers.

66. My least favorite “Beer Season” is the fall.

67. I’ve never owned a car without a sunroof.

68. I used to have a really important job. Everyone knew who I was. But I was never truly happy.

69. Some people think that I am gay because I have a good sense of style when it comes to interior design. They’re all haters.

70. I love photography, especially if it’s black and white.

71. I want to learn how to play acoustic guitar.

72. Or the piano.

73. I despise talking on the phone, because I have no attention span.

74. If I were a betting man, I’d be willing to bet you $500,000.00 that you don’t know another person who has worse credit than I. If I were a betting man, which I’m not.

75. I’m an ordained interfaith minister, like Joey from friends.

76. I’ve had names picked for my unborn children for about 10 years.

77. I thoroughly enjoy spontaneity.

78. I love music for the way it makes me feel. Whether it’s the way the lyrics make me feel, or the music itself. I’ve been known to like songs about “killin’ bitches and hoes,” just because the song had a good beat or a sweet hook.

79. I would love to have a job that required me to carry a gun.

80. Some people think I’m emo because I love Panic @ the Disco and I’m not afraid to admit it.

81. I enjoy cooking for people in my house or at theirs, but I typically don’t eat when I cook.

82. I prefer food that’s cold.

83. If I was on Death Row and was asked about what I wanted for my last meal, I would want my mom’s meatloaf, cold, on Wonder Bread with a whole lot of Heinz Ketchup. And sweet potato fries with honey.

84. It annoys me when people whistle to try and get someone’s attention. Whistle at me and I’ll rip your lips off, I’m not a damn dog.

85. It also annoys me when people refer to items by their brand names regardless of the actual brand of the product. Like people that call paper towels- “Scott Towels,” tissues- “Kleenex” and bleach- “Clorox.”

86. I like walking in the rain.

87. And sleeping through thunderstorms with the windows open.

88. My favorite sushi- spicy tuna handroll.

89. My favorite bagel- everything, not toasted with scallion cream cheese.

90. I love vodka. On ice. It’s delicious.

91. I rarely get hangovers, but when I do, watch out.

92. I used to be able to drink a 30 pack of beer and still be able to function. I say “used to” because it’s been a while.

93. I’d love to live in a shanty on the beach in Key West and have a job that required me to wear flip-flops.

94. Some people have the ability to make me so angry that it gives me a headache. Luckily, Elisabeth Hasselbeck doesn’t come around my house much or she’d be in trouble. Tom Cruise either.

95. I enjoy blogging, but the last dozen things I’ve written, I’ve kept private. Mostly because I don’t care what my sisters have to say about any of it.

96. I love the feeling of contentment after eating the perfect meal.

97. And also the feeling of contentment after sneezing or laughing so hard that your eyes water.

98. I too, have never been good at video games because I lack hand/eye coordination.

99. I appreciate alone time, but rarely have any.

100. I’ve sent six “secrets” to Post-Secret and all of them have been posted on the website. No one will ever know that I wrote them, but I have to say that it’s been nice to be able to get them off of my chest.

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"That Wrinkley White Haired Guy..."

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

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Make. It. Stop. (The War Against Crocs...)

i share in the affinity for the nation's hatred towards crocs, but as a lazy white american, i wear them often and without regard for fashion. i express my hatred without intention of participating in the proposed 'crocs buyback.' i also read all of the 'breaking news' about children getting their feet stuck in escalators while wearing crocs, and i think it is just that- a crock. the following, however, i felt was nearly as entertaining as picturing bloody toddler toes covered in ripped neon foam...

Make.It.Stop.
The case for ending our long national nightmare.

I like to play a game with my son, Joseph. We sit on a bench in touristy Old Town, Alexandria, Va., and we're not allowed to get up until we see a dozen pairs of Crocs. It usually doesn't take long. But the other day we were stuck at eight after a few minutes, and I was getting a little concerned. Just then my boy leaned over and said, "Don't worry, Dad. A family of dorks will come along any minute." To paraphrase Hank Hill, if he wasn't my son, I would have hugged him right then, I was so proud.

I know what you're thinking: what kind of sick father lets his impressionable young son call people dorks because of the shoes they wear? Well, who else will teach him that wearing sweaty bright purple clown shoes in public is not OK? He certainly won't learn that lesson at school. Teachers seem to be some of the biggest abusers of this horrid fad.

I know what else you're thinking: "I like Crocs … they're so comfortable. I'll tell you who the dork is … the guy writing this story, that's who! And who died and made him the fashion authority anyway?" Well, no one. I own pitted-out T shirts that are more than a quarter of a century old, and I've been known to strut around town in some pleated khaki Dockers. I own one belt. A female colleague even told me once I'd be a "perfect candidate for 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'." I think she was trying to be helpful. My complete lack of fashion sense actually supports my theory, because even I know these things are an abomination.

Yes, I'm really, really late to the Crocs-bashing party. Really late. Plenty of fashionistas have written screeds over the years. But the damn things are still here, so this is no time to stop fighting. To quote the great John Belushi: "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!"

I've been following the good work of Web sites like I Hate Crocs Dot Com for some time, even going so far as to submit a photograph of a stuffed skunk spraying a pair of pink Crocs. The fantastic Best Page In The Universe posted a hilarious rant a while back joking that people who bought Crocs on Amazon.com also bought frozen corn dogs, Pabst Blue Ribbon Light and trucker balls, as well as the CD single "Hey There, Delilah" by the Plain White T's. The rant's author, Maddox, writes: "People who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it's supposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterial foam … You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid."

A popular YouTube video called "Dorcs" parodies the trend: "Wow, but they're so ugly," says an office worker to her friend. "That's how you know they're comfortable," he says. By the end, she's a convert: "I've given fashion the finger, and joined the Dorcs revolution!" The Crocs Empire is acutely aware of us haters. Even their own commercials make fun of the irrational and over-the-top rage their shoes instill in people like me. In one, an unshaven lunatic holds a neon blue Croc in front of his face and screams, "Why are you wearing these!" for 30 seconds. I only wish I'd known about the tryouts for this commercial.

Crocs's stock price has cratered of late, so there is hope. According to the Rocky Mountain News, the shoes, "which were once so popular that the company couldn't keep pace with demand, are now piling up in warehouses." Maybe the company's just a victim of its own success. If practically every person in the U.S. already has a pair and they're indestructible, how many more can you sell? The same thing happened to Wham-O back in the 1950s with the Hula Hoop.

But the company isn't giving up. They've been diversifying, sponsoring Olympic teams and veering off into sandals and other designs, trying to fool us. They've even gone so far as to create a high-heeled Croc. OMG, as the kids say. These have to be seen to be believed. I recommend only the strong of heart should attempt to Google "high-heeled Croc." The company Web site has this ominous warning for us: "Today, Crocs™ Shoes are available all over the world and on the internet as we continue to significantly expand all aspects of our business" (italics added). That sounds like a threat to me. They're even suing other companies like Skechers for allegedly stealing their great idea. Skechers says the lawsuit is "baseless," "outlandish," and "ridiculous." I'll tell you what's outlandish and ridiculous: that these things sell so much that another company would feel compelled to copy them, allegedly. Don't we have enough eye pollution with just the originals still out there? Don't be fooled, America! Soylent Green is CROCS!!!

If you think about it, the Crocs company should really be admired. P. T. Barnum would be proud. They've managed to separate money from the wallets of millions and millions of seemingly sane people who wake up, look in the closet, and actually decide: "Today I'll leave the house wearing these neon-green Dutch bubble shoes with Swiss-cheese holes in them. Maybe I'll even buy some little plastic strawberries or bananas and jam them in the sweat holes, just to jazz things up and make the bacteria incubate faster." That's fine. I say do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home. Let your Crocs freak flag fly. But don't make the rest of us watch.

I realize this article might not go down too well even in my own editorial office and certainly not in our ad sales department. My boss in Washington read an early draft and said it was funny, but that I had a "somewhat demented obsessiveness." At least he threw me a "somewhat." Another editor wondered aloud if I had perhaps been trampled by Crocs at some point in my life. I also worry about writing this because some of my best friends—and their sweet, innocent children—wear them. One of my dearest—the sister I never had—introduced me to the shoes years ago when she waltzed into a garden party in a pair of bright hot-pink Crocs. I couldn't stop staring at them. "What are those things?!" I whimpered nervously, hoping maybe she was rehabbing from some sort of strange Achilles mishap. "Oh, they're called Crocs … I got them for gardening," she said, so innocently.

Oh, if only we'd known what a tsunami of fashion idiocy was about to be unleashed, maybe we could have stopped it somehow, and they would have stayed in the garden where they belong, covered with manure, a trendy item to be featured on www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. If only. Then they wouldn't be out there in the American mainstream, that big, vast, sweaty mainstream traipsing through our airports and over our beaches and around our great shopping malls. Plop, plop, plop, they go, stuffing their Crocs faces with ice cream and Doritos and giant sodas. Plop, plop, plop. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And the rest of us have to watch. I spent eight hours waiting on a flight at Dulles over the 4th of July week and I was just minutes from tackling the next group of Crocs ploppers I saw. Luckily for me—and the ploppers—my flight finally arrived and I wasn't arrested for assault. Knowing my luck, I'd have shown up in court to find 12 pairs of Crocs sitting in the jury box.

It would have probably been better for my career if I just posted this as an anonymous Craigslist rant as CrocsHatah35 or something. Plenty of others have spouted off about Crocs there. And sure, I would have had a lot more readers. But Craigslist doesn't write my paychecks, and this is just too important to ignore another day. Some times you just have to make a stand, even if it's a few years late. Do we really think we're going to stop global warming if we can't even end this fashion Chernobyl once and for all? I think the U.S. government should institute a Crocs buyback policy, like they do in the inner city for guns. It would do more to beautify this great land than Lady Bird's highway beautification program ever did.

So I'm begging you, America. Just stop. When you wake up tomorrow and look at your options, choose flip-flops. Go barefoot. Wear boots. Anything but Crocs. By next summer—if we all work together—we can have this plague of bad taste virtually eliminated. Yes! We! Can!

[Newsweek]

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKI! THIS CROC'S FOR YOU!

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