I'm not sure who Jim is, but I wouldn't be surprised if this sign is hanging on the door of EVERY Halloween Party in America tonight. [PSA]
The Next Bullshit Medical Diagnosis Has Surfaced:
...look for it at a medical hack's office near you, right next to the over diagnoses of a.d.d. and a.d.h.d., among others.
A 60-year-old British woman known only as KH is the first known case of a person born with phonagnosia, or the inability to identify and recognize voices. Phonanosia was previously only known to occur in those who had suffered strokes or brain damage. The only speaking voice that KH can recognize? The deep Scottish accent of Sean Connery.did we really need to "diagnose" that? does it really effect anyone's life, not being able to recognize a voice on the phone? give me a fcuking break.
[telegraph via jezebel] Read more...
Oh, Canada! Alaska? [Potent Quotables]
Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York. Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada." -Tucker Carlson
Re: [Potent Quotables]
Thursday, October 30, 2008
in regards to the grand OLD party's criticism about last night's obamaganza, i believe chris matthews summed it up best:
i'm pretty sure the 8:30 block was available."
[read the jealous republican bullshitfest here]
And speaking of undeniable...
how about this jam? it instantly shoots me back to junior high dances in the gym. you know, the guys-hands-on-hips and girls-hands-on-shoulders rock-back-and-forth-til-you're-ready-to-puke dances, whilst leaving enough room for the fattest kid in class to stand between you?!? (essentially to avoid cooties.) it reminds me of that, and of the episode of saved by the bell when kelly dumped zack and went to the prom with the 40 year old manager of the max (i think his name was jeff), and zack cried on a picnic table behind the gym. i'm pretty sure that this wasn't actually the song that was playing, but it reminds me of it. come to think of it, i think it may have been an air supply song in the background, but that doesn't really matter. this one's undeniable.
{love of a lifetime by firehouse} Read more...
Crop Dusting 101
i've worked in restaurants long enough to know what "crop dusting" is (and have done it plenty of times to asshole customers), but i guess i've been away too long, because when i saw this in my reader as the urban dictionary word of the day today, i laughed. hard. but i can't decide which is funnier, the idea of the practice itself, or just seeing the definition written out. either way, LOL.
This Song Totally Gets Me in Touch With My Inner Stripper and Leaves Me Searching for the Pole, Everytime...
{funky cold medina by tone loc} Read more...
Red Sex, Blue Sex [Hypocrit Gang Bang]
in case i haven't mentioned it, I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS ELECTION TO BE OVER. my election anxiety has reached such levels that i can't even read an article about britney spears being crazy without drawing a parallel to sarah palin or that quack nancy pfuckingsucks.
this article is the latest of many that has me heated. in a seriously brief summary, it's an in-depth look at some of the most important issues of the conservative party's base, and how they are blatantly critical of "liberal extremists'" views of said issues. i especially enjoy the parts about how the evangelicals criticize the left for their liberal views on sex education, and how it leads to teen pregnancy; yet in a recent study of states teen pregnancy rates, red states had the highest rates of teen pregnancy. but i'm sure it's not because republicans can be whores too, rather because democratic teen-whores go tramping to red states to pop their wombs and fuck up their statistics before tramping back to jersey. (that's a really good right wing theory, just typing it makes me feel all dirty and republican-y.) my summary does the article no justice. it's lengthy, but worth a read.
In early September, when Sarah Palin, the Republican candidate for Vice-President, announced that her unwed seventeen-year-old daughter, Bristol, was pregnant, many liberals were shocked, not by the revelation but by the reaction to it. They expected the news to dismay the evangelical voters that John McCain was courting with his choice of Palin. Yet reports from the floor of the Republican Convention, in St. Paul, quoted dozens of delegates who seemed unfazed, or even buoyed, by the news. A delegate from Louisiana told CBS News, “Like so many other American families who are in the same situation, I think it’s great that she instilled in her daughter the values to have the child and not to sneak off someplace and have an abortion.” A Mississippi delegate claimed that “even though young children are making that decision to become pregnant, they’ve also decided to take responsibility for their actions and decided to follow up with that and get married and raise this child.” Palin’s family drama, delegates said, was similar to the experience of many socially conservative Christian families. As Marlys Popma, the head of evangelical outreach for the McCain campaign, told National Review, “There hasn’t been one evangelical family that hasn’t gone through some sort of situation.” In fact, it was Popma’s own “crisis pregnancy” that had brought her into the movement in the first place... {con't}[via thenewyorker] Read more...
Please, Louise, Get Me Off'a My Knees...
who is it, exactly, that decides when it's a good time to remake a movie? i'm guessing that every production company employs an overpaid executive to conduct research and in turn prepare a timeline on the relative necessity of destroying cinematic classics. i.e. friday the 13th, texas chainsaw massacre, tron et al. and now, footloose!?!? and the best part? ren mccormack will be played by... wait for it... zac motherfucking efron. apparently his pathetic singing and dancing in 'lame school music 17: left back, again' really blew away producers. i hope that kevin bacon and kenny loggins feel as disgraced as i do.
[via defamer]
I'm Pretty Sure That I'm Going to Hell for Laughing at This as Much as I Have Been [Truth Be Told]
[via kosherham]
"The streets of heaven...
...are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may very well be limitless." -Jed Bartlet
"Rediscovered Jam" [molls...she wrote]
"I've decided that if this song comes on when you're really drunk or really happy or driving with some friends in the car to some place far away or at some sort of dress up clothes function similar to the prom but for adults and you can't find it in you to just like, FEEL this song for a second, that you're totally fucking dead inside."
World Series Cancelled for Lack of Interest - Phillies Led, Something to Something.
In an unprecedented move, Major League Baseball cancelled the 2008 World Series today, citing "overwhelming lack of interest."
This year's contest, featuring the Philadelphia Phillies and some other team, will be the first-ever World Series to be yanked before completion, but in the words of one baseball executive, "We're fairly sure no one will notice."
The decision to pull the plug on the Series came last night after the fifth game of the contest was rain-delayed and suspended with the score standing at something to something.
Some guys were on base and another guy was pitching when the rains came, but no one in the stadium showed a flicker of interest in the outcome.
"Enough already," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "Let's put this thing out of its misery."
At Fox Broadcasting, executives were reportedly "deliriously happy" about the cancellation of the low-rated Series and immediately announced plans to replace it with reruns of "Family Guy" and "House."
In Philadelphia, slugger Ryan Howard was philosophical about the decision to pull the Series: "I wasn't really following it - who was ahead, anyway?"
[via borowitzreport]
War Hero Rant.
i don't care if you're ted stevens or john mccain, being a "war hero" DOES NOT qualify you, nor fill a prerequisite, for anything. i have nothing but gratitude for those who have, do, and will serve our country, but not all "war heroes" are american heroes. and american heroes are my heroes.
timothy mcveigh was a "war hero," would you vote for him for president?
Don't be Stupid: A Blatant Generalization.
that show, "the hills," is stupid. and i'm going to go out on a rickety limb here, and make the blatant generalization that if you watch "the hills," you too, are stupid.
i compare that show to tom cruise. look at tom cruise, he's not sure who he really is. sometimes he's an actor. other times he's an alien worshipping scientologist. or brooke shields' psychiatrist. or a maniacal father. or an flds-like husband. he just can't decide. similarly, "the hills," is sometimes a reality show. sometimes a real world reunion show. or an episode of sweet valley high. or jerry springer. or on it's best days, a mildly amusing after school special. in short, IT SUCKS.
and probably the two most obnoxious fuckers on the show would be these two idiots, spencer and heidi. who i've had the unfortunate experience of seeing on the late night talk show circuit. last time spencer was on letterman, i remember thinking to myself, "is there anything that this guy could do to make me hate him any more than i already do?" i was sure there wasn't.
then he wore a shirt that said, "palin for vp: god, guns, glory," while carrying a six-pack of budweiser and a rifle, and walking with his tone deaf tramp of a girlfriend who had a shirt on that said, "read my lipstick: vote mccain-palin."
these are prime examples of people that i'm afraid of come november fourth. KILL.ME.NOW.
[bestweekever via defamer]
Happy [Martin Sexton]
I like that too. [Potent Quotables]
I like that about the Republicans; the evidence does not phase them, they are not bothered at all by the facts.”
-Bill Clinton
...let's make it obvious. [Potent Quotables]
Monday, October 27, 2008
i guess i'm find of lame. actually, i'm pretty sure i'm lame. because you should have seen the look on my face today when i saw that bravo was having a west wing marathon. i never watched it when it was regularly on, but the lack of daytime programming, and my lack of a job, made the sight of repetitious episodes make me feel like jay leno at a chin convention. it was interesting to watch episodes of a show, from three years ago, talking about the exact issues that are shoved down our throat everyday. this statement came at the end of an episode titled '20 days in america,' an episode about martin sheen's faux re-election really helped confirm my feelings. (it's quoted directly from the script.)
"If our job teaches us anything, it's that we don't know what the next President's gonna face. And if we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives, and cares about making them better... if we choose someone to inspire us, then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things... we can't imagine yet. Instead of telling people who's the most qualified, instead of telling people who's got the better ideas, let's make it obvious."[via twiztv] Read more...
Lost in Translation.
i've always thought that vanity plates were lame. even more lame is a vanity plate that makes no damn sense. or that needs to be explained. this one, "i work," seemed pretty self-explanatory. apparently not, because the douche whose gas guzzler it's on felt it necessary to explain it with an elaborate decal on the tailgate.
"i'm a REPUBLICAN because EVERYONE can't be on WELFARE."
all i have to say is, good thing "you work," so that you could afford that stupid-waste-of-money-decal on your gas guzzling truck, while others in this country struggle to pay bills and feed their children. typical. congratulations.
by the way, did you have to pay by the letter? because you could have saved yourself some money by just getting a decal that said "i'm an asshole." it has exactly the same affect you fucking douchebag.
[photo via horriblelicenseplates]
Lovely Day [Bill Withers]
you don't need to know who this is singing. you don't need to know the name of the song. you don't have to have heard it before. you'll love it anyway. and it will make you happy, no matter what your mood. every time you hear it from now on. hell, it may even make you think of me. that's cool too. but what's most important, is that you really listen to what's being said. and get it. really get it.
The Race for the Title [Potent Quotables]
Cindy McCain is the saddest figure in this miserable election." [via gawker]
Pop a Zit and Lick It. [Plump & Ripe]
Sunday, October 26, 2008
i never realized how many times i would regret saying that "i'll eat anything gummi." here's one more example of disgustingness that i, and the world, could probably have done without. i know that it's essentially just a gusher (which are delicious), but just the thought of the puss... and the... the... *yack*
[via stupid]
Maya's still got it.
this obama variety show sketch did make up for a bit of the disappointment though. and thank god they had coldplay to fill in the lost time, rather than, i don't know, portishead?!
"Passing a construction site on our way downtown..."
Johnny: "I can't believe that people still use jackhammers. It seems old-fashioned."
Me: "Yeah, how token. "Oh, I'm a construction worker and I'm going to break up this sidewalk with a jackhammer because asphalt is hard and jackhammers are efficient."
Johnny: "Yeah, it's classic. That's the quintessential image of a construction worker."
Me: "Totally."
[via itsbedtime]
[Your Morning Coffee]
"wash away" by jeff pianki
fair trade pumpkin spice- This coffee just has the perfect balance of spices, its even great black or without sugar. I feel that a true measure of a good coffee is that you can have it straight up and enjoy it 100%. A great cup of coffee for sitting out in the backyard watching the fall foliage! It is the taste of fall.
October is National Fair Trade Month!
I'm Screwed [Poisoned Deliciousness]
"Two large Japanese food manufacturers have found insecticide in their instant noodles, triggering a food scare.
First, Nissin - which invented the instant noodle - recalled 500,000 pots after a woman became ill. She had eaten from a cup containing insect repellent.
Now another Japanese food giant, Myojo, says it too has found the same substance in two of its own pots."
[bbc via slog]
The Great Logo/Slogan-gate Scandal of 2008.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
by now, you've probably heard some of the unexpected (and frankly, misunderstood) hoopla over the changing of the pepsi logo. and now the best buy logo. and who can forget the changing of the walmart logo a few months back, making it resemble the people that work there? (assholes.)
now molls has been working on adjusting brand slogans for possible relaunch. her new take on dave & buster's had me pissing my pants.
DAVE & BUSTER'S: "Instead of staying at home on a Friday thinking about whoever your ex-boyfriend is currently fucking, go play pool with strange men who are missing teeth and remind you of that 20/20 episode that you saw about meth heads and how sometimes they sip bottles of trucker's urine they found on the side of the freeway hoping that there are enough meth remnants to get them back on that sweet, sweet high."[via molls, dieline, freshfuel, sethgodin] Read more...
Love for a Child [Jason Mraz]
what about taking this empty cup
and filling it up
with a little bit more of innocence
i haven't had enough
it's probably because
when you're young it's ok to be easily ignored
i'd like to believe it was all about
love for a child
when the house was left in shambles
well who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass
was it mom who put my dad out on his ass
or the other way around
well i'm far too old to care about that now
it's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
i've been enjoying both my christmases and my birthday cakes
and taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
and they never checked to see my grades
what a fool i'd be to start complaining now
what about taking this empty cup
and filling it up
with a little bit more of innocence
i haven't had enough
it's probably because
when you're young it's ok to be easily ignored
i'd love to believe it was all about
love for a child
it was all about love
[lyrics via commonpleasure] Read more...
Mom's Say the Darndest Things [Rated 'R' for Language]
i found the last warm & fuzzy photo of the day in a slideshow on huffington post about post-debate pda. a slideshow of presidential candidates and their spouses "celebrating" at the conclusion of each debate. i noted how cold and unfuzzy(?) the mccain's seemed compared to the obama's. my mom asked me to show her a picture of the mccain's, after which she responded:
"ew, he don't eat no pussy and she don't suck his cock."i couldn't make that kind of shit up if i tried. Read more...
Hocus Pocus, I'm Busy.
i'm not a fan of the great pumpkin. as a matter of fact, i think that movie is incredibly lame. yet, for some reason, i'm excited that hocus pocus is on abc family today. at three o'clock. shit, that's in five minutes. gotta go.
We're Gonna Frickin' Lose this Thing...
"...Money and jobs are flying out of this country as our currency becomes worthless and we're talking about the fact that McCain is a veteran. If someone busted into your house and robbed you would you then forgive them if you found out they were a veteran? Of course not. So why are we forgiving McCain for selling out his country by supporting the Bush agenda?
This is it folks. If McCain takes power we fade and become Australia in the seventies: a backwoods country with occasional flashes of relevance. Except we've got a way bigger military and we're angrier. People will get hurt and we'll pay the bill for the bullets. I'm telling you, unless we wake up, we're gonna lose this frickin' thing..."
[adam mckay via huffpo]
I Amsterdam, We Werestersdam [Potent Quotables]
...I will say, however, that Dutch is a peculiar language...it sounds like English played backwards. I can only imagine what Dutch played backwards would sound like. Probably Grateful Dead lyrics or something... Or Christina Aguilera lyrics in the red light district. What confuses me most about Dutch is that, for it’s similarity to German, it sure sounds like chaos when spoken. When German is spoken, it drips with logic. So much so, that you feel stupid for not understanding it. The language’s obsessive compulsive tendencies follow rigorous additive logic and an impeccable structure. With Dutch, It’s like the words got drunk inside the speaker’s mouth and came stumbling out into the street after last call, still looking to party. Dutch is German’s irresponsible younger brother that did poorly in school because of a misdiagnosed hearing problem... but really knows how to have a good time..."
[via jaygrandin]
It's Real [Warm & Fuzzy Photo of the Day]
[Your Morning Coffee]
"ventura highway" by america
fair trade autumn harvest blend- i once took a weekend roadtrip through vermont when i was in college, with my friend john. we headed up from providence with no more of a plan outside of checking out the leaves changing. it was a coffee and cigarette filled weekend. this blend reminds me of the smell of fallen leaves and crisp vermont air; all contrasted with the warm and balanced flavor of this blend.
October is National Fair Trade Month!
The Outcasts...
READ: 'U.S. Muslim voters are election-year outcasts'
[via msnbc] Read more...
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