Letters from the I-95 Corridor...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

i wrote earlier this month about how i haven't felt the christmas spirit in quite a few years, and about how i wasn't sure i'd ever feel the same way about the holidays again. but last night on my six hour trek from richmond up to the poconos, the christmas spirit was alive again, albeit in very strange ways.

now i've driven the i-95 corridor more times than i can count over the years, and i've pretty much traveled every bit of it at some point, from maine to georgia. but never have i had such an eventful evening on the endless highway that is i-95, than i did last night. so i scribbled these letters on a coffee stained envelope from under the seat of my car with a half dead pen, to try and capture the spirit of christmas and the open road, to share with you all.

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dear shitwhistle in the white dodge durango with the xenon headlights,
thank you for tailgating me with your brightass lights gleaming in my rear view mirror. those were the most enjoyable 23 miles i've ever traveled. i know it must have been upsetting to you that i was only going 75mph in the slow lane in a 65mph zone. that, on top of the fact that there was only one other car on the road and only four other empty lanes, i'd be pissed too. santa came early when you finally gave up trying to lick my tailpipe and flew by me. forgive me if i didn't shed a tear when i caught up to you a few miles down the road and you were handcuffed and spread eagle on the hood of your truck with two 5-0s searching you fly-ass whip. don't worry, i hear they make delicious hot mansex cocoa in jail. merry christmas shitwhistle.
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dear city of baltimore,
you smell like beef & cheese. and not in a good way. and trust me when i tell you, having someone from new jersey, of all places, tell you that you stink, means something. you should really work on that.
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dear lady in the green cadillac at the baltimore harbor tunnel toll,
thank you for doing me a solid and paying my toll. and for telling the obviously muslim toll collector to tell me "merry christmas." i thought our country was going to shit, but you made me believe that there is hope for us yet.
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dear dude in the honda hooptie that was behind me at that same toll booth,
you're welcome. merry christmas.
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dear old man that looked like regis philbin's twin brother,
it was a pleasure meeting you at the sunoco station at the chesapeake house rest area. i appreciated the 1/2 gallon of wiper fluid that you gave me because "the salt was going to crust me up" and you couldn't fit anymore in your resevoir. "jolly christmas tidings" back to you.
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dear 90mph wind gusts,
thank you for keeping me alert by attempting to toss me off of every overpass between richmond and philly. my white knuckles appreciate you more than you'll ever know.
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dear tumbleweeds(?!?) on the northeast extension of the pennsylvania turnpike,
what the fcuk are you doing in pennsylvania? go back to arizona where you belong.
sincerely,
me

2 comments:

spleeness 1:58 PM  

This all happened to you last night! holy moly! What a night! I LMAO, your letters are so funny! I loved just picturing the asshole in the dodge getting cuffed. Paybacks are sweeeet...

ps. despite whatever you do for a living, you are a writer at heart. You know this, right?

Blythe's Mom 11:53 PM  

oh that tumbleweed was for me to you, it was your christmas present...did it not have the red bow i put on it when i sent it on its way?

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