(PIKZ-ee-food)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

...or more simply, just pixifood. allow me to explain.

pixifood (PIKZ-ee-food), noun: any food substance that is highly pleasant to the taste as a child and tastes shockingly unpleasant once you become an adult.

some examples may include:

fun-dip
as a child it tastes like: a multi-flavored lollipop.
as an adult it tastes like: cavity filling.
tidbits: what you do is you dip your edible “lik-a-stix” into different flavors of “fun-dip” and … do you ever wonder if the people at the willy wonka candy company were just playing an extravagant gag on America?*

*like the song ymca. i mean, obviously this has been mentioned a few times by now, but it is a song about how much fun it is to stay at the ymca. there’s really nothing too tactful about the song. it includes the lyrics: “young man ... i’m sure you will find many ways to have a good time,” and “you get get yourself cleaned ... you can have a good meal ... you can do whatever you feel.” and yet if you were driving by a christian coalition rally and you booed “ymca” out of your car window, you can bet some people would do the dance!

little hug "fruit drinks"
as a child it tastes like: fruity liquid goodness
as an adult it tastes like: diabetes
tidbits: also known as ghetto juice or quarter water. it's the delicious beverage that came in the little grenade shaped bottle with the aluminum peel off cap whose "flavors" were often referred to by color as opposed to being called by their actual intended "flavor." seriously though, quarter waters taught my generation how to stretch a dollar*; who wants to spend their $5/week allowance on a sugar high (candy bar) that costs a dollar; when you could get four juice grenades for a buck, that will put you in a diabetic coma for a week?

*thank you little hugs for teaching me and my friends the value of a dollar.

sour patch kids
as a child it tastes like: sour chewy love
as an adult it tastes like: gummi jonas brothers coated in powdered drano
tidbits: i know i've said many times that i enjoy anything gummi*, and i do still enjoy a sour patch jonas brother every once in a while. but seriously? as a kid i think my mouth must have been coated with teflon, because i remember eating those little bastards by the patch-load. now? i eat a handful of those sour shitheads and i can't taste anything else for a week.

*not included in the classification of "anything" gummi: gummi penises, gummi snakes, elisabeth hasselbeck.

necco wafers
as a child it tastes like: sugar dusted yumminess.
as an adult it tastes like: sidewalk chalk.
tidbits: this is probably the most versatile pixifood, as they came in flavory goodness ranging from fruity (lemon, orange, lime), to spicy (cinnamon, clove, licorice), to minty (wintergreen), to savory (chocolate). candy cigarettes may taste like blackboard chalk, the kind at school; but while necco wafers are more like sidewalk chalk, the kind kids use to make hopscotch boards in your driveway.*

*that’s the beauty of being a kid, you can differentiate between the different flavors of chalk. you know, like m&m’s taste different based on the color. it's a shame that as we get older we lose the highly-refined tastes we had as children.

WHAT ARE YOUR PIXIFOODS?

[adapted from joe posnanski via slog]

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